He may have looked distraught up in his booth, but the moment the Red Sox gurgled and died, Theo was already plotting his next move in a fit of sneezes and snickers.

From the mystique of his potential hiring, to the denial of his own identity, to the charming of the local media, Theo has sewn a fabric of lies and deceit into America’s midwest.

“I firmly believe that we can preserve the things that make the Cubs so special and over time build a consistent winner, a team that will be playing baseball in October consistently, and a team that will ultimately win the World Series.”

–Theo Epstein

And normally, we certainly wouldn’t care that Theo was saying these things, because this career move would be especially irritating if it meant we needed to start caring what he was up to. (more…)

The Chicago Sun-Times has recently implicated Sandberg in a heartfelt reunion with his old team after a single painful year of being apart.  Sandberg, however, has been perfectly happy in his new home within our farm system, where we heaped upon him lavish gifts and capable players and Domonic Brown in exchange for International League playoff berth.  And when that ended in a series of fart noises, we invited him up to the big club to hang out for the playoffs.  Were we grooming him for a possible opening in the future, offering encouragement in every subtle knowing smile and friendly handshake?  Who knows. (more…)