“What we have here is a unique situation,” said the Assistant District Attorney Steven Jones, who’s clearly never been to Philadelphia, despite somehow holding a high-level position within its legislative process.

NOT PICTURED: Feminine wiles. (Image courtesy fo nypost.com)

Susan Finkelstein can’t be the first person to try and have sex with somebody in exchange for World Series tickets to this particular World Series, let alone in general.  I can guarantee you she’s not the first person to have it cross her mind.  So, what is she really guilty of?  Isn’t this middle-aged, “flirty” fan just guilty of being an impassioned Phillies follower, aware of her “feminine wiles” and the effect they have on ticket-holding men everywhere?

Wouldn’t you have done the same thing, ADA Steven Jones?!

No.

Wha Finkelstein is actually guilty of isn’t prostitution (*Phew*), but attempted prostitution (wha… oh, come on). Which is to say, she tried to be a good prostitute, but, in a decision that must still be chewing away at her self esteem, the court system in Philadelphia has determined that she failed.  At being a prostitute.  After making an offer to have sex with someone in exchange for WS tickets.

Finkelstein “… had admitted to being desperate to find reasonably priced tickets to a home game,” reports Fox News. Which sort of makes you wonder what sort of gothic, confusing, assplay-heavy sexual encounters will be the result of ticket prices at Yankee Stadium.

Why are the pretty ones always insane? Because the ugly ones are exchanging sex for money.

Yes, the fairy tale of Susan Finkelstein, the Phillies fan who tried to get World Series tickets by having sex with people she met on Craigslist, (Craiglist!  Of course, I’ve been wasting my time on these fruitless Facebook sex scams), just a got little more magical.  Her lawyer was cackling with glee as Miss Finkelstein was cleared of promoting prostitution, and is now charged merely with being a prostitute.

“Which is great, because now we can explain the difference to all the kids at school and they’ll stop making fun of us for having a whore mom,” exclaimed her children.

And now for a seamless transition to a story actually about baseball.

Noah Lowry! Who is he?!  He’s an ex-Giants reliever who will be trying to get somebody’s attention in a big way with a throwing session on Tuesday.  The Phillies are curious, but so are like 10 other clubs, and right now Ruben Amaro is highlighting every ad for a relief pitcher he comes across.

Which is the right thing to do; as little money left as there is… or isn’t… to spend on the bullpen, it’s healthy to take a look at everything, even though Lowry hasn’t pitched professionally since 2007.  But, the throwing session is set up in Arizona, and the 2003-07 San Francisco Giant with the 4.03 ERA is getting his big chance.

In closing, the Mets signing Jason Bay is like a man hiring a contract killer to take out his wife, but putting him in Citi Field is like telling him he has to do it with a spoon.