New York Mets

In some worlds, a baseball team can face plant off to a 5-13 start, watch helplessly as their ace pitcher tacks more and more days to his injury leave, and be sued for a billion dollars and people will still demand to watch.  Sadly for the Mets, we do not live in one of those worlds.

For some reason, and its probably the sucking, Mets’ attendance is down this season by 7.8%.  This information is brought to you by the provocatively titled report, “Does Major League Baseball Have an Attendance Problem?” by Darren Rovell of CNBC.

Of course, if you took these numbers to Mets management (Or mismanagement!  Right!  I AM A JOKE MACHINE TODAY!) and tried to bring the “attendance problem” to their attention, they would probably just wordlessly hand you their own report entitled “We Have So Many Bigger Problems Right Now,” and point to a series of graphs with arrows plummeting downward.

"We also have graphs for Mr. Met Plush Toy Sales and Terry Collins' Family's Respect for Him. But they all look exactly the same."

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This division would be so much easier to win if everybody else would stop trying to win it, too.  Some people, however, want to win a little too much.  The fourth minor leaguer to be busted for drugs is finally here!  His name is Adrian Nieto, and he was selected in the fifth round of the 2008 draft by the Nationals.  So he’s their responsibility, and clearly indicative of how they run that whole organization, unlike when that Phillies minor leaguer got busted for the exact same thing just several weeks ago.  You’re going to expect a reason for me saying that in this next sentence, but there won’t be one.  Sometimes life is like that.

But nothing cures a PED-laced hangover like a hot cup of Coffey.  Todd Coffey, that is! Ha, ha.  It doesn’t get much funnier than that, folks, so just stop reading now if you’re not already puking with laughter.

Just kidding, stay here.  Please. (more…)