Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

But we all know of Shane’s twitchy swagger when he was on a role.  It got everywhere.  It threw everything off balance.  While he succeeded in fiery bursts, it would make a mess out of everything else.  It was if the universe found a Shane Victorino hitting streak utterly repulsive.

So, when Shane’s Hawaiian thunder came roaring out tonight in the form of a bases-clearing triple off a beleaguered Michael Stutes, it made everything suck in the proximity.  He went off like a hand grenade and the Sox had a five run lead before you could grab the thing you spray water on your cat with to calm him down.

Before he even got his hit, Stutes was mowing down Boston hitters, logging two quick outs before Victorino screamed up to the plate.  He would have had a third, too, but then he “walked” two people, his whole “Well maybe if I walk this guy it’ll cancel out walking that other guy” theory utterly destroyed.

Shane pounced, and it sent negative shockwaves through the air.  The next thing you knew, Carlos Ruiz was getting hit on the hand by an up and in stinger in the 9th.

#Phillies say Chooch has “hand contusion,” aka a bruise. He’ll be reevaluated tomorrow in Clearwater.

— Chris Branch (@ChrisBranchTNJ) March 22, 2013

So, you know.

Thanks Shane.

Dale Zanine-USA TODAY Sports

But it seems that Boston Red Sox outfielder Shane Victorino has plenty more thoughts on the Phillies; namely the small fires Jonathan Papelbon has been setting with all this “leadership” business.

Shane is willing to blame 2012 on the absence of Chase Utley and Ryan Howard; a safe answer, as it offends no one – a backhanded compliment to the two of them, actually – and from most angles rings true.  But it doesn’t explain why Jimmy or Hunter or Shane himself didn’t step up and take point with their admitted leaders having disappeared.

Chooch did his part, unquestionably; Doc had his own problems, Cliff stumbled and his effectiveness also depends on the offense’s ability to get him runs, and Cole’s season was mired in contract talk.  We can complain and wonder why no one was willing to step in, and torch-bearer Papelbon has even admitted that they (and he) should have, but didn’t.  But if we stop the bleeding at Ryan and Chase, then nobody’s feelings get hurt.

And that’s what Shane is doing.

“Early on, we all tried to deny that missing Ryan and Chase was a big thing.  But it was.”

–Shane Victorino

They did do that, didn’t they?  All putting on brave faces so we wouldn’t despair.  That’s sweet.  But after the 30 or 40th time that the “stunning turnaround/comeback” thing failed, it became apparent that no amount of masking the horror in post game pressers was going to fix anything.

Again, the thing that sticks out for me, really, is yeah, the Phillies are a worse team without their first and second basemen.  But why was there a curtain of complacency drawn over everybody else?  A combination of bad timing, bad luck, and injuries?  We say “Ryan and Chase” because their absence was what was different, but it’s a demoralizing thought to consider that your team is one bad set of knees away from crumbling at any moment.

Anyways.  Shane hasn’t given up hope.

“…[the Phillies] are going to be fine.”

–Shane

In the end, Shane, we’re all gonna be fine.  We just may have to work through some shit first.

“Who wants cake?!”

–Shane Victorino

It’s not that we think Shane Victorino could have been an effective member of the 2013 Phillies.  We don’t know that he wouldn’t have been, either, but that’s just another one of the pitfalls of our government’s failures in the time travel arena.

But, career worst OPS or not, Shane won’t be in Clearwater this spring for the first time in eight years.

PICTURED: ??? Jayne Kamin-Oncea-USA TODAY Sports

Being traded, however, doesn’t mean people are banned from the city they were traded from, which I learned as a painfully gullible nine-year-old.  And Shane came back to Philly the other day to visit the Nicetown Boys and Girls Club building that shares his name.

During the delightful afternoon, during which Shane shared cake and baseball stories with some children and hung out with David Montgomery, Shane reiterated that he wanted really, really badly to come back to Philly.  But nothing was going to put a dent in Ruben Amaro’s resolve to revamp the outfield; not all of his assistants pleading that two platoons in the corners was a bad idea, or the 11 frantic voicemails Shane would leave him a day asking to return.

Even during the party, Shane refused to give up on the idea of coming back.

“You never say never. Will I never be a Phillie again? Who knows? But right now I’m a Red Sox and I’m focused on that opportunity.”

–Shane Victorino

Shane will be back again in May, when the Red Sox come to town, and he’ll revel in the prolonged ovation the crowd will give him–**grabs your arm roughly** and you will give it to him–but, well.  The Shane Victorino era is over.

Until he comes back for his Wall of Fame induction, signs a one day contract to retire with the team, and takes over for Gregg Murphy as the in-crowd game correspondent whose supposed to interviewing the 90-year-old lady with the extensive Phillies hat collection but every time they cut to him he’s dancing with the Phanatic.