All it takes is “not baseball” for us to become convinced that this team can turn it around.  The past few days I’ve heard more analysts say “I wouldn’t count the Phillies out yet,” and it is my very strong belief that this phrase is uttered simply because the Phillies have not been playing any games to prove how feeble they are.

When you’re momentum-builder coming back from the All-Star Break is a flaccid contest in which you’re shut down by a rookie with a 75-pitch limit, you can probably go ahead and count yourselves out.

Christian Friedrich was the ace hurler who shut the Phillies down this time, going six incredible innings in his Major League debut, keeping the defending NL East champs (remember?!) at bay with relative ease.  Another guy on the Rockies roster whom you’ve never heard of but was also playing in his first MLB game, ever, seriously, was Josh Rutledge, the shortstop, who went 2-for-2 with two RBI and a walk.  He didn’t even have his own cleats with him.

“I couldn’t have dreamed it up any better.”

–Josh Rutledge

So the Phillies spent another nine inning fulfilling the other team’s dreams, which would be such a nice narrative, if they didn’t have to lose all the time to tell it.

Welcome to the Hall of Fame, son. Chris Humphreys-US PRESSWIRE

Cliff Lee was the steward selected to lead the Phillies’ charge into the second half.  He went six innings, like his counterpart Friedrich, only Cliff’s were filled with hits and runs and various other pro-Rockies sentiments.  Nine hits, three runs, two of them earned, and a hideous walk were in his final line.  By the time the bullpen entered to clown music in the seventh, nobody would have been surprised or even thrown off by seeing Kyle Kendrick out there.

Which he was, in the eighth, because fuck it.  Also because Michael Schwimer gave up three runs upon entering the game in the seventh.  Seriously.  They were tacking the runs on the scoreboard as he jogged out from the bullpen.  I think it’s just part of his entrance music now.

HELLO MICHAEL Chris Humphreys-US PRESSWIRE

The scoring opened in the second with perennial MVP candidate Josh Rutledge’s RBI double, which Shane Victorino kind of like, swatted at with his glove, or something, but the Phillies and J-Roll answered in their next at-bat with a Mayberry-scoring RBI double of his own.  Then Rutledge came back with a sac fly in the sixth, which was all the Rockies needed to start pounding line drives out of Phillies pitching as if it were something they did normally.

Michael Cuddyer put the finishing touches on the masterpiece by tripling in Ramon Hernandez in seventh and then the Phillies put the finishing touches on his finishing touches by allowing him to score on a throwing error by Chooch.

Chase sac flied Jimmy home in the eighth or ninth or something, but at that point, everybody was doing a shot every time the Phillies looked completely inept so we were all pretty much blind.  Also John Mayberry got picked off first, which was hilarious.

What made it all the more undignified was that raucous fart sound that echoed through the stadium during this play. Chris Humphreys-US PRESSWIRE

That’s six straight, for those of you playing at home.

When It All Went Wrong

Pick a moment from Schwimer’s performance when you weren’t numbed by defeat and we’ll call that our climax.

Most Attractive Play

Let’s give it to Jimmy’s triple; a violent slash down the left field line that got your heart racing and fist pounding, but out of “joy” this time, not the anger that would get you kicked out of a Ruby Tuesday.

Hero

Jimmy showed some indomitable spirit last night.  It was refreshing.  Of course it failed to infect anyone else so in the end, he died alone, but hey.

Villain

Either of those Rockies greenhorns who had just a great old time out there running roughshod right through us and probably thrilling living rooms full of cackling family members.

Jun 19, 2012; Philadelphia, PA, USA; Philadelphia Phillies shortstop Jimmy Rollins (11) celebrates scoring with pitcher Cole Hamels (35) during the fifth inning against the Colorado Rockies at Citizens Bank Park. The Phillies defeated the Rockies 7-2. Mandatory Credit: Howard Smith-US PRESSWIRE

What does a team missing its two best offensive players need?  A series with another team missing its two guys that know how to hit a baseball.  Enter the Colorado Rockies, who suck considerably worse than the Phillies do and they happen to be sans Troy Tulowitzki and Carlos Gonzalez.  They have struggled pretty considerably on the mound prompting a switch to a four man rotation with the pitchers throwing about 75 pitches a start.  Apparently it is not going well in Colorado.

Roy Oswalt has yet to pitch in the major leagues this season.  Cliff Lee has nary a win and Roy Halladay is on the shelf with a broken shoulder.  Out of last year’s much ballyhooed four aces, only Cole Hamels has been healthy/effective this season.  Cole took on the Rockies in an attempt to earn his tenth win this season.  He allowed a run in the first inning on a Tyler Colvin single in the first inning.  When a struggling team has its best pitcher on the mound and it appears that another struggling team it going to score a bunch of runs it is reasonably upsetting.  Luckily, Cole Hamels settled down and managed to throw eight innings of two run ball.

The offense had the pleasure of going up against the personification of abject failure that is the Colorado pitching staff.  Former Phillie farmhand and terrible major league pitcher Josh Outman started for the Rockies.  After Jimmy Rollins lead off the bottom of the first with a rocket of a double, the Phillies managed to leave him stranded on third.  It looked like the notably ineffective Outman was going to manage to be effective.  Eventually, the Phillies got to Outman on the strength of a two run home run from John Mayberry Jr.  In all, they tagged him for four runs and five hits in 5 1/3 innings.

If you are going to have your starting pitchers throw 75 pitches in a game, you damn well better have a competent bullpen.  They don’t.  The bullpen let the Phillies open up their lead to 7-2.  Of course the big statement was made with a two run homer from Carlos Ruiz off of Adan Ottavino.  Ruiz has tied his career high for home runs.  It is June. 

When a team isn’t very good, they do stuff to lose games.  Look at all the crap that the Phillies have been doing lately.  The Rockies obliged by running themselves out of a two out rally in the top of the sixth.  Todd Helton walked, Jordan Pacheco singled on a broken bat blooper to center and Chris Nelson tried to get to second on a single and was thrown out at second by Shane Victorino.  It is really nice to watch another team screw up.

The moment that victory seemed more likely than not was Mayberry’s home run.  He has actually looked half decent at the plate as of late.  It surley helped today that he was facing a crappy left handed pitcher.

The most attractive play of the game was actually a series of plays.  After a shaky start, Cole Hamels got five straight guys on strikes. 

The hero of the game was Cole Hamels.  Eight innings, two runs and no break down late in the game.  He is now a ten game winner and has become the ace of the staff.

The villain of the game was Tyler Colvin.  A RBI single in the first inning scared the crap out of all of us.  Luckily it was short lived.

Tomorrow we all hope that Joe Blanton looks like the good Joe Blanton we were privy to last start.  It sure would be nice to get closer to .500.

Huh?  Hmm…

**Snoring intensifies**

No, I… I don’t want that.  I don’t–

**Papers rustling, then something crashes**

HELLO!  Hello.  Ahem, yes.  Hi there.  This week the Phillies are taking on the, uh… the…

**Consults nearby paper**

Uh, the Rockies.  Yeah.  They’re also very bad.  Maybe a little worse?  Nah, they’ll take two out of three from us.  Mark Townsend, Big League Stew contributor and auteur of Heaven and Helton, can let us know how awful this whole three-game thing is gonna… is gonna look.

Troy Tulowitzki is flying to Philadelphia to have the mysterious pain in his left groin area looked at by a specialist.  Do the Rockies really think there is a single professional in Philadelphia that isn’t on the Phillies’ payroll?

About three weeks ago one of our owners, Dick Monfort, stated that he firmly believed general manager Dan O’Dowd was the best at his job in baseball. In the same interview, he later admitted he didn’t actually know how many of the other GMs around baseball were, but couldn’t imagine any of them being better at it than Dan.

Point is, I’m not even sure the Rockies decision makers know what state Philadelphia is in, let alone knows a professional baseball team plays there.

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