Rich Dubee is not a happy man. Mandatory Credit: Howard Smith-USA TODAY Sports

Lately, Rich Dubee seems about as warm and cuddly as a 200-pound lump of dried-out Play-Doh.

In spring training, Dubee admitted lying to the public last year about Roy Halladay’s health, and then gruffly told everyone that if they had a problem with that, they could go and stick it.

In so many words.

Roy Halladay’s health was none of our business, according to Dubee. Never mind the fact he was the supposed ace of the staff and suffered through his worst season as a professional last year, since he first entered the league.

On the heels of last year’s 4.49 ERA in just 156.1 innings and six-week stay on the disabled list, Halladay continued to struggle in spring training. He could not get Blue Jays minor league players out. It was disconcerting. It was worrisome. And after getting torched in his first two starts of the regular season, in which he gave up 12 runs in 7.1 innings to Atlanta and New York, it was understandable people were concerned the 36-year-old Halladay had officially “lost it.”

Of course, Halladay’s last two starts, in which he’s given up just three earned runs in 15 innings, have been much more comforting. But some scars take a long time to heal for some people.

Enter the Phils’ over-protective pitching coach, who was asked to talk about Halladay’s last two starts on Sunday, per CSN Philly’s Jim Salisbury.

“I’m not going to talk about it,” Dubee said. “Everybody bashed Roy Halladay long enough. Now he has a couple of good ones and all of a sudden he’s a Cy Young candidate. You guys ride that roller coaster and we’ll stay where we’re at. Let Roy be Roy.”

You would be forgiven if you heard the sound of an infant crying in the background.

For the record, only idiots were bashing Roy Halladay. Only moronic fans booed Roy Halladay. Intelligent baseball followers, especially sports writers covering the Phillies beat, were asking genuine questions about the health of Halladay and whether or not the mileage his arm has accumulated over the last decade had finally taken its toll.

They were fair questions and fair concerns to raise.

Of course, Twitter and other social media are often times not the best place to go for measured, constructive civil discourse. One hopes Rich isn’t spending a lot of time there. It is the land of sarcasm and snark. It’s why I like being there so much.

Dubee’s recent petulance comes off as small, and makes him appear to be kind of angry. He seems to lack an understanding of how to talk to, and deal with, the media. And it seems as though any time you question anything he or his pitchers do, you get the wrath of Dubee.

Perhaps Dubee’s fierce defense of his pitchers is a good thing, though. Perhaps it helps rally them behind him. Perhaps Dubee is prepared to be the bad guy in the public if it means shielding his pitchers from the scorn of the media. It’s what Andy Reid used to do with his maddening, “It’s all on me” nonsense.

But that kind of stuff often times does not have the desired effect one would hope it would.

So, as Rich Dubee snipes at yet another reasonable reporter asking another reasonable question, his thin skin becomes more apparent. Dubee really ought to just be honest with the media and let the other stuff roll off his back. And while that’s easier said done then, the old axiom about the media is true.

You catch more bees with honey than you do with vinegar.

Especially if that honey is glazed on top of a one-pound doughnut.

Rich Dubee’s word is NOT his bond. Mandatory Credit: Howard Smith-USA TODAY Sports

When Roy Halladay was struggling through a less-than-stellar spring training last year, everyone was worried. His velocity was down, he wasn’t locating his pitches, and he was getting hammered on a daily basis.

It was a helluva Joe Blanton impersonation.

Of course, everyone in the media and all the Phils fans around the universe who was so worried, were clearly a bunch of morons. We were all Chicken Little, ranting and raving like a bunch of crazed loons, screaming that the sky was falling. We were idiots to be concerned about Halladay’s fastball being 2 to 3 miles per hour slower than normal and about him getting rocked by a bunch of players who would be lucky to make their team’s AAA roster.

“People can say whatever,” pitching coach Rich Dubee said last March. “We’re talking about a guy who is 188-92 in his career. He should have won 20 last year. He pitched to one of his lowest ERAs last year. What’s the panic? It’s what spring training is about. That’s Roy Halladay right there. What, six innings and 72 pitches? Maybe a couple of misfires here and there? Cutter was accelerating through the strike zone again. Sinker was going the other way. Split was back. Everything was in place.”

Seriously, what’s with all the panic, guys? Why are you all being a bunch of alarmists? Just shut up and don’t question anything you see here, we’ve got this!

Of course, as it turns out, everyone was right to be alarmed.

Fast forward to Tuesday, when Halladay got blasted by a Detroit Tigers team filled with scrubs, throwing a fastball that topped out at 88 mph and consistently sat at 84 to 86 mph. His cutter wasn’t working and Roy couldn’t locate the plate with a tour guide, a magnifying glass and a Google maps app.

Naturally, everyone was concerned we were witnessing a repeat of last spring, that Halladay was hurting, and that no one was telling us about it. Again.

Thankfully, here comes Dubee, the man who lied through his teeth to the public last year, to once again to allay our fears.

“He’s fine,” Dubee said yesterday. “He is not having any physical problems this year. Any. Arm. Back. Legs. Nothing.”

So, according to the always trustworthy Phils pitching coach, THERE IS NO PROBLEM WITH ANYTHING ON ROY HALLADAY’S PERSON AND YOU SHOULD JUST SHUT UP ABOUT IT ALREADY, STAT GEEK!”

Of course, there is that little thing about being told he was fine last year, only to find out Dubee and the Phils knew there were physical problems with Doc and were hiding them from the public.

You know, the lying and everything.

“He had issues last year,” Dubee said. “He had issues. He can’t make it public. Why should he? You guys don’t need to know everything, first of all. This guy didn’t want anybody to know he was banged up last year.”

See? It’s all OUR fault. We want to know too damn much. We want to know why a pitcher making $20 million a year, a pitcher who is maybe the best pitcher in baseball, a pitcher who is being relied on to be a Cy Young candidate, is suddenly doing a Kyle Kendrick impersonation.

That’s right, WE’RE to blame. Gotcha.

So, given Dubee’s previous reluctance to share truthful information, why should we trust anything he has to say now?

Frankly, he doesn’t give a crap if you do or not.

“You can believe what you want,” Dubee said. “I’m telling you what I knew last year and what I know this year. He felt obligated to take the ball. This is a special guy, you know? And he tried to pitch through some stuff last year. Right now at this point this year he feels fantastic physically.”

When asked again later why anyone should believe anything that comes out of Dubee’s mouth, the pitching coach again blamed the media, saying…

“You can throw any red flag you want up there.”

Dubee swears Halladay is not hurting now.

“Last year I had more concerns. … I’m not going to come out here and say the guy can’t do this or can’t do that. Why would I? This year, going off what he’s been telling me, physically, talking to him, seeing him, yes, physically he is fine.”

Is Halladay hurt? Or does he just stink now? Mandatory Credit: Derick E. Hingle-USA TODAY Sports

Some people don’t care if you trust them or not. Some people don’t care if their word is damaged or if their reputation is sullied.

Rich Dubee apparently doesn’t care if you believe anything he says.

And you know what? That’s fine. If the Phillies and Dubee want to cover up an injury, there are no rules in baseball that forbid them from doing that. In the NFL, there are rules against hiding or exaggerating injuries in weekly injury reports. But there is nothing like that in baseball.

If Halladay truly is hurting, Dubee is under no obligation to tell us he is. The only thing at stake for him is his word.

For most of us, our word is very important. Our word is our bond.

Dubee does not feel the same way, and that is his prerogative.

Still, what was gained from not being honest with the media last year? No one would have thought less of Halladay had the Phils revealed he was dealing with an injury. No one would have thought less of the coaching staff if they had been up front and honest.

As in most cases, the cover-up is often far worse than the crime.

The unfortunate thing is, given Dubee’s history, no one can trust anything he has to say now. He has no credibility left. We’re just going to have to watch ‘ol Roy go out there and take the mound and judge for ourselves whether or not something is amiss.

And honestly, it doesn’t matter if Halladay is hurt, merely past his prime, or finished as an effective starter altogether.

The radar guns and results on the field don’t lie. He’s going to be what he’s going to be.

We don’t need Rich Dubee to tell us when opposing hitters are lining baseballs all over the park, and we don’t need Rich Dubee to tell us when balls are flying out of the park at a rate unusual for Roy Halladay.

Maybe all truly is well physically with Roy. Maybe it isn’t. But one thing is for sure.

We can’t trust anything that comes out of the mouth of Rich Dubee.

Not that he cares.

“Now when we get in there, they’ll be sleeping, and just hold the airhorn up to their ear and give it a full blast like this–” Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

It’s a contest that begins…. now.

According to Rich Dubee, that competition we’d all kind of thought had been ongoing since the beginning of spring training has finally started.  Guys like Jake Diekman, Jeremy Horst, Michael Stutes, Raul Valdes, and Justin De Fratus will get their shot to have Dubee become a respectable father figure or an antagonistic step-uncle figure.

Yes, with the outfield situation aligning (????, Ben Revere, Delmon Young with a broken ankle) the Phillies see it fit to move onto that other catalyst for failure in 2012, the bullpen.

Nobody’s been able to put together a huge portfolio of innings to show off, which is evident in that most of those guys don’t have an ERA under 9.00.  Diekman does!  Everyone else, be more like Diekman.

Does this mean the rest of the reliever corps will sneak up to his bunk later tonight and smash him good with tube socks full of bars of soap?  Who knows!  Anything goes during Rich Dubee’s ‘Anything Goes’ Bullpen Spots Battle Royale!

“We’ll start peeking closer.  They’ve been out there for three or four times. Those last 12 or 14 days we’ll start taking a real good look at them.”

–Rich Dubee

“A real good look,” Dubee continued, brandishing an FBI background check for Jeremy Horst.  ”You would not believe what THIS guy has gotten into. Shit would not expect.  Like, weird shit.”

He leaned closer.  ”A ton of negative user reviews on eBay.”

So what are the Phillies looking for?  Well, lefties; they always help.  The Braves are chock full of them; so many that they are potentially shopping them (IMMEDIATE UPDATE: “NO WE ARE NOT”).  It’s a valuable asset, and the Phillies have the ability to keep a slew of them around in Horst, Diekman, Valdes, and the presumed secure Antonio Bastardo.  Speaking of which, if Papelbon keeps his cool, Adams stays healthy, and Bastardo finds whatever gave him what he had in 2011, that’s a dependable late inning wrecking crew (not the youth of the Braves, but whatever).

Secondly, these guys all come cheap cheap cheap, which has been the theme of the Phillies offseason.  Like, Mike Trout cheap.  Yeah.

So, after spending what was probably too much on Papelbon and Adams, the Phillies could potentially have a lucrative bullpen of guys who hopefully won’t get too much work, but can come through when asked.  And I honestly don’t see what’s so hard about being flawless at a moment’s notice.