“Former All-Star third baseman Placido Polanco on Thursday signed a one-year contract with the Miami Marlins worth $2.75 million.”

–Jayson Stark, ESPN

“Former All-Star” he called him.

Just… stop grimacing with every movement. Robert Mayer-USA TODAY Sports

Is he saying that because right now, at this moment, Placido Polanco, during rush hour on a Thursday, is not currently an All-Star?  Or does he mean that this once staunch defender and dependable hitter is now an injury risk, looking to log enough innings to get a paycheck?

He was great once, sure.  As recently as 2011, we were voting him to be NL’s starting third baseman in the Midsummer Classic.  But times have changed, age has caught up with him, and there is a reason options were declined this time around.

Polly just isn’t hitting like he used to, or moving like he used to, or staying in the game like he used to.  Too many trots off the field in the middle of an inning while having a hushed exchange with a trainer and the broadcasters try to come up with small talk to put over the silence are becoming part of his repertoire.

Everybody loves Polly, but it was time to go.  Where, you might ask.  Where could be the next home for this gold-gloving, silver-slugging 37-year-old who makes our recent third base acquisition technically labeled as “getting younger” at the position?

Miami, of course.  Where baseball goes to be a nonfactor.

The Marlins are willing pay him $2.75 million for a year of his services, which we all know damn well will not be 100 games.  The Fish tried to make the deal pretty by having installments of $125,000 sweeten the package if he makes it through the centennial, and–fingers crossed–120 games.

It’s part of the Marlins’ new team model, which is to “sign players to play all of the positions that a baseball team requires to still technically be a baseball team.”

If Placido Polanco were a horse, he’d have been put to sleep by now. Mandatory Credit: Howard Smith-US PRESSWIRE

In what should be one of their final moves before a playoff run that is only going to happen inside their own minds, the Phillies on Friday activated Carlos Ruiz from the disabled list and shelved oft-injured third baseman Placido Polanco for the rest of the season.

Polanco has dealt with back problems all year, playing in just 90 games with a .257/.302/.327 slash line, adding just 17 extra-base hits and 19 RBIs in 328 plate appearances. And with the injuries piling up higher than files inside a Veterans Affairs office, it’s become increasingly obvious the Phillies will not pick up Polanco’s $5.5 million option for 2013.

It is still possible the Phils will re-sign him in the offseason for what I would assume would be much, much, much, much less. However, it’s looking more and more like the Phils will cut the cord with their 67-year-old third sacker after this season. Still, Polanco says he would like to be back.

“I’m going to begin a rehab to give myself a chance to try to come back next year,” he said. “If I rehab and it still hurts, I don’t know. But who wouldn’t love to play for the Phillies? This is one of the best organizations ever.”

Well, he’s right about one thing. The Phillies are, like, the bestest organization in the history of world sports. Or maybe, any organization of any kind. Although, General Electric is pretty good too. But really, it’s apples and oranges. Let’s just call it a tie.

Of course the big question now is, what do the Phillies do at third base when the playoffs don’t start in October? Who are they going to rely on to come through in the non-existent playoff at bats that are heading their way? Is there anyone with the mental acumen to execute properly both at the plate and in the field when the imaginary playoffs begin?

The mind melts just thinking about it.

Chooch is back! Mandatory Credit: Eric Hartline-US PRESSWIRE

Taking Polanco’s spot on the roster is Erik Kratz’ back-up for 2013, journeyman veteran Carlos Ruiz. This Ruiz kid seems like a nice player, a real go-getter who had a moderately decent season going at the plate before he got hurt, hitting .335/.399/.559 with 28 doubles, 14 HRs and 58 RBIs in just 95 games.

I mean, those are nice numbers and all, but how is anyone going to force the Phils’ new uberstar Kratz out from behind the plate?

All joking aside, the Phils say they will only use Chooch sparingly during the last month of the season. He’s been out since August 3 with plantar fasciitis in his left foot. Now, I don’t have any idea what that is, but it sounds like a pretty bad footsy ouchie. The Phillies say they plan to use him as a pinch hitter this weekend, and then will give him one or two starts a week the rest of September.

You know, just so he stays sharp for the playoffs that won’t be happening.

“I think he still has a chance to help us,” Phillies Assistant General Manager Scott Proefrock said before Friday night’s game against Colorado. “As long of a shot as it is, we’re not out of this. He can contribute. He’s an important part of our offense.”

Oh, so I guess Kratz means nothing to you now! I guess all the magic that Kratz has brought us, his innate Kratziness, his joie de vivre, is but a scentless vapor in the wind to be dismissed?

For shame, Scott Proefrock. For shame!

And of course, now we have a catcher controversy. With Kratz destroying baseballs at a rate not seen since Carlos Ruiz, who will the Phillies be starting behind the dish in these non-existent playoff games that are just a month away? Do you go with the established veteran All-Star catcher having the season of a lifetime, or the journeyman career minor leaguer riding the hottest streak of his career?

Even though these so-called “playoff games” aren’t actually going to be happening, these are real questions that need to be answered!

If nothing else, it’s just good to see Ruiz back on the field. He deserves a chance to finish his season on a high note and on his terms, Kratz be damned.

As for Polanco, hopefully he can figure out his back problems and give it another go somewhere else in 2013.

Because it’s either that or signing up for the highly-competitive Boggle tournaments at the local assisted living community on Saturday nights. And that can be a little stressful.

Careful! Howard Smith-US PRESSWIRE

“Back inflammation” does not mean someone’s spine is on fire.

That’s probably the most critical aspect of all this.  So if you’ve been sitting around, wondering why they didn’t just put Placido Polanco out instead of just letting him sit there on the disabled list, burning alive, you can rest easy.  And you should.

Because the rest of this is pretty grim.

The Phillies take pristine care while cultivating some positions.  Obviously, they take pride in growing and acquiring top pitching.  The past few years have been a legacy of quality catching as well.  But third base has been problematic, to say the least.  Actually, it’s been “David Bell” to say the least.

Today, Polanco travels to begin a rehab stint in Clearwater so that he can play Thursday-Saturday, and return to the team for the final month of the season, platoon with Kevin Frandsen, and then be released, probably.  It’s a funereal process that still counts as news, no matter how sad it is.

So, with everybody going absolutely mental over Darin Ruf, it’s only fair to ask/assume there is a third base equivalent down there in the farm system that is putting up huge numbers, but being ignored for some reason.  As usual, it’s up to us, the fans, to point out the glaring oversight, because obviously the Phillies front office is too busy.

Ruf the Magic Darin narrowly edges out Babe Ruf as Darin Ruf’s go-to nickname. (coined by @rphilinternjrod)

— M̶i̶k̶e̶ ̶M̶e̶e̶c̶h̶ (@meechone) August 15, 2012

According to this analysis written by some guy, Cody Asche is that fellow.  Currently hitting a spot above Darin Ruf (yes, the Darin Ruf), some guy reports that Asche doesn’t possess the skills or statistics to play at the Major League level yet, but his intangibles could theoretically be threw the roof.  He’s had some good games–he homered twice on July 25–but there isn’t an echoing fervor emitted by his accomplishments, just yet.

There is no real indication that Asche is the third baseman, or even the trade chip, of the future.  But as we watch Polanco suit up for what will most likely be his midnight ride through Philadelphia, his brittle bones and sore muscles creaking like the brakes on the Broad Street line, and with no real plan in sight, we can theorize wildly all we want.

Meanwhile,

#Phillies Darin Ruf homered again last night. Gives him 28 Home Runs on the year at AA Reading. He’s gone yard 10 times in last 12 games

— Top Prospect Alert (@MinorLeagueBlog) August 15, 2012