John Stolnis

Joy R. Absalon-USA TODAY Sports

Hi. I’m Chris Carpenter. You may remember me from such nightmares as Game 5 of the 2011 NLDS. Yes, I outdueled your uber-stud Roy Halladay in a 1-0 victory that sent us to the NLCS against the Milwaukee Brewers, in route to the world championship that should rightfully have been yours. Well, I just wanted to let you all know that I’m not going to be coming around anymore. Yeah, I know I almost killed all of you a couple years ago, and it was actually kind of fun to do. Sadly, I probably won’t get the opportunity to haunt your dreams ever again. But, we’ll always have 2011.

Love,

C. Carpenter

P.S. Tell Roy I said hi.

The Phillies have been spending a lot of money recently, about $170 million a year the last couple of years. Sure, a lot of that money has gone to things like an unnecessary Ryan Howard extension and exceedingly long deals to closer Jonathan Papelbon, but having money is always a good thing. And with the team’s contract with Comcast SportsNet up in 2015, the franchise is all set to score a HUGE payday, similar to the billion dollar deal the Los Angeles Dodgers recently scored. Of course, the big question is, will it simply be more money for Amaro to waste?

Even though the Phillies have signed future Hall-of-Famer Delmon Young to be their primary right-fielder, there is still a chance Domonic Brown could see the field on occassion in 2013. In fact, he could end up being the everyday left fielder if he plays well enough in Spring Training. And while Brown has not lived up to his billing as the former #4 prospect in all of baseball, a closer look at his numbers reveal he is still a productive player.

And with Carlos Ruiz missing the first 25 games of the season for illegally using ADD drug Adderall, Erik Kratz assumes the starting role on Opening Day. And while he had a very solid season in 2012 as Ruiz’ back-up, the spotlight will be on him more at the start of ’13. Good thing he’s a very good catcher. Otherwise, we might have to give ‘ol Todd Pratt a call and see what he’s up to.

Ethan Seidel

David Murphy of the Daily News posted this friendly spreadsheet of the Phillies lineup over the past 5 seasons. Each opening day starter is listed next to their salary, but what stands at most is at the bottom. He may drive you crazy but Jimmy Rollins has been a bargain every season! J-Roll made over $10 mil last year for the first time in his career. Say what you will about the guy, but the Phillies haven’t overpaid for him. 

It looks like Scott Boras has his latest victim. I don’t know how he does it, but it looks as though he has the Mets bidding against themselves for Michael Bourn. The former Phillie has been the victim of Boras’ negotiating tactics this off-season, but he may finally have found a home. Well played Mr. Boras.

Justin Klugh

I was yelling about baseball during the Flyers game last night, and I went from hysterical tears to wistful nostalgia about listening to games on the radio.  Without a cable bill, the radio may wind up being my best option for the Phillies this season.  Because other options are clearly unavailable.

Does @mlb know that I would gladly pay twice as much for MLB.tv if they didn’t black out the Phillies?

— Dash Treyhorn (@DashTreyhorn) February 5, 2013

So radio it is!  I can hear it now… Franzke and L.A. and jokes about drug use and how dumb teenagers are.  Remember that time L.A. tried to take his chair apart on the air?  Or when he yelled at the Phillies from the booth?  All of it captured through the pristine majesty of AM radio.

…

I actually don’t have a radio either.

To the alcohol depository!

John Stolnis

He got a Steven Lerud high-five, what else is there to prove? Frank Victores-USA TODAY Sports

Listen, we’re all down about how this off-season played out. We all wanted to see one or two bona fide star players come aboard the good ship Amaro, but that’s not what happened. And we all have a right to feel depressed, a little angry, and kinda hungry at the same time. I mean, we gotta eat, right? Which is why I’ve been on the lookout for some positive, optimistic stories about the Phils’ chances in 2013 and, lo and behold, I found one! Basically, if the Phils rotation does what it has done on average from 2010-2012, the Phillies will still have maybe the best rotation in all of baseball. That’s a good thing.

OK, now that the happy news is out of the way, back to the drudgery. Normally, I like The Delco Daily Times’ Jack McCaffery. His stuff is usually pretty good. But he absolutely lost his mind this week with this rant against the Phils’ off-season. I mean, I’m as pessimistic as the next guy, but don’t tell me the Phillies are cheap and betrayed their fanbase. A $200 million payroll is simply not a realistic option.

While Phillippe Aumont looks like a promising bullpen arm for the future, the trade that send Lee to the Mariners still looks pretty crappy. Especially considering the Phils released one of the pieces that came to the club along with Aumont, J.C. Ramirez. Good news though, guys! Tyson Gillies is still here! *muted golf clap*

And finally, to help lighten the mood after a tough last few weeks, here is a video compilation of Japanese bat-flipping. No, seriously. It is.

Justin Klugh

It would be all too easy to chalk up the Phillies’ failure last year to injuries.  So let’s do that.

The Phillies had some incredible luck with injuries for a few years.  Then, the loss of Utley and others for noticeable chunks gave background guys a chance to step up and be the feel-good story of the year.  It made for a hell of a DVD yearbook.  Last year, those guys stepped up again, and helped right the feel-angry-and-sad story of the year.  Now, when we look back, instead of seeing utility guys coming through, we see a trail of bodies.

Remember when Jeff Francoeur was a thing? Peter G. Aiken-USA TODAY Sports

As Jeff Francoeur once said, “The Phillies have done great, I understand.  But, God, they have not had the injury bug.  Bless them, I’m not praying for them to be hurt, that’s great. But you feel it’s got to kick up sometime.”

Thanks to Francoeur’s with doctoring, the injuries certainly did “kick up.”  And now we can do nothing but reflect on a lost year; until now, as we can now analyze a list of numbers and money lost due to Phillies’ injuries of the past five years.

You know who didn’t get hurt in 2012?  Carlos Ruiz.  And he gets to play again in 2013, according to baseball rules.  If only we could visit the future and determine exactly how he will be.

What’s that?  He certainly did get hurt in 2012?  It cost him his MVP candidacy?  Also he is suspended 25 games to start the 2013 season?

Maybe I’m the one whose injured, and I’m lying on North Broad Street right now having a prolonged fevered dream after walking into a lamp post whole celebrating the 2011 Opening Day comeback victory.

Ethan Seidel

With no moves left to be made now the fun of putting the lineup together begins. It should be a fluid process for Charlie throughout the spring (especially minus chooch) but that didn’t stop Bill Baer from having some fun with it. Bill’s lineup makes the most sense if you believe in statistics, but I have a hard time believing Charlie and the gang will follow it to the letter.

John Stolnis

The Phillies are cheap. That much is clear. I mean, who are they trying to kid?

Last year, they entered the season with a payroll of around $170 million, tops in the National League. This year, their opening day payroll would be roughly $158 million. By my math, that’s $12 million LESS than last year. LESS! LESS, PEOPLE!

As we all know, money = wins. It’s that simple. The teams that spend the most, win the most. It’s a tale as old as time. Hell, Ty Cobb lived his entire life by this very principle. If the Phillies don’t spend $12 million more by opening day, no matter who it’s on, it’s obvious they just don’t care about winning. I’m so fed up with their cheap ways.

“And that’s how you turn an entire subculture against you.” Brad Penner-USA TODAY Sports

Spend some money RUBEN!

So, Cody Asche had himself quite a 2012 season. So much so, he’s now considered among the top 10 prospects in the Phillies’ organization by most publications. In fact, he’s such a part of the future that the Phils hired Michael Young to hold down his position for him until he’s ready to make the leap. But what if Cody Asche stinks this year? What then?

CAN YOU SAY, MICHAEL YOUNG CONTRACT EXTENSION???!!! *dunks head in toilet*

And despite a relatively quiet offseason (is there still time to sign someone with a name we recognize??? anyone???), have the Phils still managed to leapfrog the Braves in the NL East?

In a word… no.

And just you wait until Justin Upton is traded to Atlanta. That’ll be fun times.

Justin Klugh

“Wait, when did I… stand… up……?” Chris Morrison-USA TODAY Sports

Hey, prospects.  They’re fun.  Let’s take a look at one of them.

**Hurls glass bottles at wall; shatters against the name “Maikel Franco.”**

Hey, okay, great.  Beyond the Box Score’s Spencer Schneier took this one by the horns and has a whole damn profile on the Phillies’ recently ranked #2 prospect.  Apparently he’s a power hitter, which is nice.  While skulking around SB Nation, be sure to check out David S. Cohen’s “Sanctimonious Blowhards,” the signature post on how self-important the whole Hall of Fame business has become.

It also features a picture of Bud Selig doing a spectacular impression of a rat, guarding the carcass of a second rat, as it prepares to cannibalize it.

Ethan Seidel

The Phillies list of top prospects has changed a great deal over the years, even from last season. Most lists find local pitching product Jesse Biddle at the top, but not on Bill Baer’s. That’s because he’s holding off on regurgitating a rapid reaction like most other sources to the Phillies minor league depth. For those anxiously awaiting Bill’s input, stay tuned as he polls the experts of baseball to form his own (well informed) list.

Hey, remember that bigot, John Rocker? Well if you were wondering what he’s up to these days, and who he’s offending now, turn your attention to this report on Hardball Talk. I don’t want to give away too much of this slanderous rant, but it involves gun rights, Nazis, and of course Jews. Haven’t seen you on my morning subway commute lately, John.