Barbara Johnston-USA TODAY Sports

“Yes, the Phillies are the losingest team in sports history, but that doesn’t mean our fans are ‘suffering’ when they put on the uniform,” a team representative claimed via phone while screams of anguish echoed in the background.

Rumors have surfaced that playing for the Phillies–one of the most horridly led and despicably organized franchises in professional sports history–is in reality a cruel hoax, forcing fans to experience what being a part of the demented baseball carnival’s history would be like.

“Every morning we are awoken with the knowledge that the Phillies were one of the last teams to accept integration,” said attendee Robert Teagarden in a crudely scrawled letter home to his wife in Centerville, PA.  ”If only we had known… the devastation that awaited us here…”

Each morning, according to Teagarden’s letter, “Phantasy Campers” are educated incorrectly on how to operate on a baseball field, with mistakes like dropping the baseball or throwing your glove into the stands being taught as “fundamentals.”

“One guy told me, ‘It has to be right, that’s how we did it in ’72, and we won 57 entire games,” Teagarden’s letter said.

Players like Mike Schmidt and Greg Luzinski reportedly arrive with distant gazes and edgy demeanors, at times unwilling to even speak about their experiences with the team.

“When I was called up, they were at the tail end of a 57-105 season,” Schmidt muttered before sitting on an overturned bucket and bouncing a ball against the wall for four hours.

“Larry Andersen got here and admitted he was contractually obligated to wear Hawaiian shirts until the day he died, before the Phanatic entered and ‘danced’ him into a back room like it was all part of the show,” Teagarden’s letter continued.  ”Every night is dollar dog night.  It is disgusting.”

But the Phillies maintain that everything is fine and their harrowing past of consistently subpar baseball has no place in Phantasy Camp. “Phantasy Camp has been good for the Phillies. It goes back to everything they do — it’s a first-class organization,” Luzinski said “under his own free will,” according to a team representative on Monday.