Dale Zanine-USA TODAY Sports

Or at least, that’s what the team would have you think.  Otherwise the Phanatic’s latest “visit” to an elementary school could be classified as an “escape” or “rampage.”

It’s all part of a master plan organized by a delirious Phillies Phanatic, worn down mentally by another winter of being caged and kept in the bowels of Citizens Bank Park until baseball season.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” a CBP employee responded to questions shouted through a fence.  ”There’s no Phanatic feeding chamber next to the players’ showers, either.”

There have long been questions as to the Phanatic’s activities during the offseason, and after following a thread of evidence, the answer seems to have presented itself.

“Seriously, this is all a waste of time,” the employee continued, leading a live goat toward a stair case at the far end of the stadium, from which guttural growls and and rattling were audible.  ”Those sounds are just Charlie Manuel.  We told him we were ordering ribs.”

The cover-up is apparently wide-open now, as blue prints surfaced in the past week from a disgruntled CBP worker, who claims they indicate the Phanatic, tired of being tormented and quarantined through the winter months, planned an escape, using a visit to a local grade school as cover.

“Look, I’m not saying anything directly,” the former employee said in an anonymous phone call.  ”But if you were to ask some of the players if they heard awful sounds coming from that feeding chamber after the game, they would give you some pretty grotesque looks.”

The schematics seem to chart a path from the school in Gloucester, NJ, to a black market frigate headed for the tropics, from which the Phanatic would seemingly look for passage to his native Galapagos.

“I can’t tell you how nice it would be to find out he made it home,” the former employee went on, his recent departure from the organization narrowing the list of his potential identity.  ”That guy… that guy has been through a lot.  Some nights we could hear gentle sobs, and he’d… he’d try to cover them up with the blast from a hot dog cannon, but we knew.  We always knew he wanted out.”

I, for one, don’t think the Phillies have been the same since Pat Burrell left. I mean, they’ve won exactly ZERO World Series since his departure, while the Giants have won TWO since he joined their organization (as a player in 2010 and now a scout in 2012). I believe it’s because of Pat Burrell’s innate Burell-ness (and by that I mean, his huge, baseball bashing muscles) that the Phils were able to win a world championship.

But sometimes those muscles can get a little ahead of themselves and lead Pat astray. Listen, we all pretty much assumed the guy is a meathead. That seems even more true after what apparently happened over the weekend at a bar, where it’s believed Burrell challenged CBS Sports’ Jon Heyman to a fight. My guess is Heyman was hitting on Burrell’s girl. Heyman, you suave devil, you.

Did you watch any of the 2012 World Series? If you’re like most Americans, you probably didn’t. This year’s four-game sweep by the Giants was the lowest rated Fall Classic in American sports history. It beat the previous low of the 2008 Phils-Rays and 2010 Giants-Rangers series. Boy, I guess those Giants aren’t the darlings of the country are they? Two of the three lowest World Series in the history of the sport both featured San Francisco. I knew that city was out of touch with the mainstream.

This article came through earlier in the week, but it’s worth noting because of its uselessness. I mean, what good is an article about the Phillies prospects if the person whose opinion you’re asking is the guy on the team who is in charge of all the prospects? What’s he going to say, “Yeah, all these guys we have just flat-out SUCK!” No, of course he’s going to talk about all the great qualities and “tools” they all have, making it seem like every young kid in the organization has the chance to be a superstar.

Actually, I take that all back. I guess it is somewhat useful to know this stuff, even if it just gives the fanbase an idea which players the team is really excited about. I just wish there was more to be excited about.

And finally, Heyman, who thankfully emerged from his near-altercation with Burrell unscathed and with typing fingers still attached to a bloodless, fully-formed hand, inform us the Tampa Bay Rays are going to make a qualifying offer to center fielder B.J. Upton, a potential target of the Phillies. It’s unlikely he’ll re-sign though, and I’m starting to believe that if the Phils don’t get Angel Pagan, Upton should be option number two. Come on, B.J., come play for a real city!

Ethan Seidel

Chooch is back, but for how long? The Phillies picked up his option for the 2013 season, but he will be 34 by seasons end. Chooch has been one of the most productive Phillies the past two years, but can they afford to pay him? Bill Baer has the answers, or at least the numbers that matter.

Despite his disappointing season, J-Roll won another gold glove.  Anyone who is convinced that Freddy Galvis can replace Rollins’ glove should take another look–he may not be a dominant leadoff hitter anymore, but Rollins is as solid as they come in the field.

Jovan Alford

The way that Darin Ruf is hitting right now, the Phillies have to put him on the team for next season the defense will come around but his raw power is something that is desperately needed in the outfield and in the Phillies lineup because he is a right handed power bat which can definitely help Ryan Howard.

Justin Klugh

Howard Smith-US PRESSWIRE

Natural disasters!  The devil’s birthday!  The Philadelphia Eagles!  Our world is in shambles right now, and I think we can all agree that it’s Andy Reid’s fault.  Or maybe Andre Iguodala’s.  Is Michael Vick the reason for Hurricane Sandy?  Ask any scientist, nine of out of then will say “Yes, fine, whatever, just don’t hurt my family.”

Thankfully, we can turn to endless sources of joy in these dark times.  The Phanatic has that innate ability to enter a room and instantaneously spark a raging party.  He did that the other day at the Embassy Suites Hotel, as just moments before, hotel employees who were reviewing files, sipping coffee, or staring out the window were suddenly throwing files in the air, switching their coffee for booze, and kicking out windows in terrifying celebration of Halloween.

Not many cities have an icon who can make literally any moment, in the middle of any horrible professional debacle, the best moment of everyone’s week.  And for that I say, you’re welcome, Philadelphia.  Also, you should appreciate the Phanatic.

Roy Halladay: Not amused by the sun’s antics. Steve Mitchell-US PRESSWIRE

Look at the sun up there.  Scorching the earth.  Hiding from us in the fall.  Abandoning us in the winter.  WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS.  Some kind of immortal space-god, giving us the warm embrace of life, then taking it away in place of the grip of grey, frozen death?

**shakes fist at sky**

CURSE YOU, ETERNAL SKY-BEING!

Science tells us that the sun is hot, and that one day, it will become so hot and large that it will engulf the earth, killing us all.  In this stage, it will be known as a “red giant,” which, we now know, isn’t just who was in the NLDS this year.  Of course, we will have several seconds to refer to it as such before we and everything we’ve ever known are burned off the face of existence.  The future!

However, until that time, we minute little insects of the universe have found a way to harvest the sun’s power, and turn it into energy.  And who better to take point on such a project than a baseball team with nothing left to play for?

That’s why the Phillies were included in a small collective of customers of Community Energy Solar at Kreider Farms in Lancaster, PA.  The event was meant to celebrate not just that arrogant sun, but the “Turn the Power On” initiative from Keystone Solar.  By flipping the switch on Tuesday, the company began a solar program designed to power 950 homes and negate the use of 4,200 tons of carbon dioxide.  Also the Phanatic was there to high-five and molest people.

The Phillies have been exceptionally kind to the environment, ever since the beginning of their “Red Goes Green” program in 2008.  These sort of highly honorable actions are what we’ve come to expect from the club, and should go a long way in buying them and hopefully us some appeasement from the merciless, spherical demon that lives above us, charting our every move.