I, for one, don’t think the Phillies have been the same since Pat Burrell left. I mean, they’ve won exactly ZERO World Series since his departure, while the Giants have won TWO since he joined their organization (as a player in 2010 and now a scout in 2012). I believe it’s because of Pat Burrell’s innate Burell-ness (and by that I mean, his huge, baseball bashing muscles) that the Phils were able to win a world championship.

But sometimes those muscles can get a little ahead of themselves and lead Pat astray. Listen, we all pretty much assumed the guy is a meathead. That seems even more true after what apparently happened over the weekend at a bar, where it’s believed Burrell challenged CBS Sports’ Jon Heyman to a fight. My guess is Heyman was hitting on Burrell’s girl. Heyman, you suave devil, you.

Did you watch any of the 2012 World Series? If you’re like most Americans, you probably didn’t. This year’s four-game sweep by the Giants was the lowest rated Fall Classic in American sports history. It beat the previous low of the 2008 Phils-Rays and 2010 Giants-Rangers series. Boy, I guess those Giants aren’t the darlings of the country are they? Two of the three lowest World Series in the history of the sport both featured San Francisco. I knew that city was out of touch with the mainstream.

This article came through earlier in the week, but it’s worth noting because of its uselessness. I mean, what good is an article about the Phillies prospects if the person whose opinion you’re asking is the guy on the team who is in charge of all the prospects? What’s he going to say, “Yeah, all these guys we have just flat-out SUCK!” No, of course he’s going to talk about all the great qualities and “tools” they all have, making it seem like every young kid in the organization has the chance to be a superstar.

Actually, I take that all back. I guess it is somewhat useful to know this stuff, even if it just gives the fanbase an idea which players the team is really excited about. I just wish there was more to be excited about.

And finally, Heyman, who thankfully emerged from his near-altercation with Burrell unscathed and with typing fingers still attached to a bloodless, fully-formed hand, inform us the Tampa Bay Rays are going to make a qualifying offer to center fielder B.J. Upton, a potential target of the Phillies. It’s unlikely he’ll re-sign though, and I’m starting to believe that if the Phils don’t get Angel Pagan, Upton should be option number two. Come on, B.J., come play for a real city!

Ethan Seidel

Chooch is back, but for how long? The Phillies picked up his option for the 2013 season, but he will be 34 by seasons end. Chooch has been one of the most productive Phillies the past two years, but can they afford to pay him? Bill Baer has the answers, or at least the numbers that matter.

Despite his disappointing season, J-Roll won another gold glove.  Anyone who is convinced that Freddy Galvis can replace Rollins’ glove should take another look–he may not be a dominant leadoff hitter anymore, but Rollins is as solid as they come in the field.

Jovan Alford

The way that Darin Ruf is hitting right now, the Phillies have to put him on the team for next season the defense will come around but his raw power is something that is desperately needed in the outfield and in the Phillies lineup because he is a right handed power bat which can definitely help Ryan Howard.

Justin Klugh

Howard Smith-US PRESSWIRE

Natural disasters!  The devil’s birthday!  The Philadelphia Eagles!  Our world is in shambles right now, and I think we can all agree that it’s Andy Reid’s fault.  Or maybe Andre Iguodala’s.  Is Michael Vick the reason for Hurricane Sandy?  Ask any scientist, nine of out of then will say “Yes, fine, whatever, just don’t hurt my family.”

Thankfully, we can turn to endless sources of joy in these dark times.  The Phanatic has that innate ability to enter a room and instantaneously spark a raging party.  He did that the other day at the Embassy Suites Hotel, as just moments before, hotel employees who were reviewing files, sipping coffee, or staring out the window were suddenly throwing files in the air, switching their coffee for booze, and kicking out windows in terrifying celebration of Halloween.

Not many cities have an icon who can make literally any moment, in the middle of any horrible professional debacle, the best moment of everyone’s week.  And for that I say, you’re welcome, Philadelphia.  Also, you should appreciate the Phanatic.

Hey, it’s Pat Burrell.  He’ll be coming to Philadelphia soon to retire as a Phillie.  Here he is throwing the first pitch out at a Giants game in San Francisco, not at all scanning the crowd with viciously amorous intentions

Yes, I realize there are only three of us supplying links this week, making the “Phive-ness” in the headline seem utterly pointless.  Well, one of our writers has gone to China for awhile, and the other has important matters to take care of than scouring the internet for interesting Philly-isms, somehow.  So I apologize for writing the first headline on the internet to not be accurate.

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