Jake Roth-USA TODAY Sports

Fans were thrilled last week to find out the team had added 17 new options, all local teenage girls.

Fans then saw that thrill completely unravel after it was revealed that the new hires were all filling the position of “ball girl,” not “team outfielder.”

“I was like, ‘oh, man, that’s so Ruben Amaro,’” reported Dwayne Hazlett of South Jersey.  ”A League of Their Own but real?  Did not see that coming.”  [EDITOR'S NOTE: A League of Their Own was actually based on real events.]

To some, it may have seemed like the traditionally radical offseason move pulled off by GM Ruben Amaro had finally occurred, and instead of one large, blockbuster signing, the Phillies’ general manager had pulled off 17 revolutionary ones.

“It was already kind of a big deal before I even saw their stats or anything,” Hazlett continued.  ”I brought the signings up at work and everybody was so shocked that they laughed in my face and told me to shut up.”

The Phillies’ search for outfield depth–which, with most high profile names off the table, had involved players like grown men Scott Hairston and Vernon Wells–would have indeed come to an abrupt end. With so many options to choose from, and so much paper work given the rules of MLB preventing them from hiring any of their new players, there would have without a doubt been very little time to conduct any other business, making the concept a tough one to perceive, even mistakenly.

“I couldn’t believe it,” Hazlett continued via gchat, long after the interview had concluded.  ”I mean, what a historic day.”

At press time it was revealed that TBOH had managed to find the single Delaware Valley citizen who believed the ball girls to be outfield signings and it in no way reflected any idiotic widespread notion.

The point is, we all have one, and with enough exercise, weight lifting, careful grooming, and cybernetic enhancements, the groin can become the most unstoppable force in your neighborhood.  Which for you can bring a wave of self-confidence, and for your neighbors it will bring alarm at all the robotics surrounding your crotch.   (more…)

Raul is where my irrational hopes and impossible fantasies come from.  When somebody jumps on this team–your Pete Orr’s or your Michael Martinez’s–Raul is why there’s always that notion, after they’re debunked as secondhand trash or at most, “nothing special,” that maybe, they will be the awesomest they have ever been for no reason at all.  As a 37-year-old outfielder who was noticeably not Pat Burrell, the bar was very low, but Raul grabbed that bar and used it to clobber his way into a first ever All-Star appearance.

That’s probably the problem, though.  And like me, on this topic, Charlie Manuel has gone insane. (more…)