Guzzle that cheap parking lot beer, take another shot at the cornhole, and pack that tube sock full of batteries, you ridiculous sterotype!  It’s the Phillies Home Opener, and it’s time to figure out just what in the hell is going on here.

What in the hell is going on?

Wha… I just told… that was just a rhetorical introductory thing.  I didn’t think you needed to learn what was actually going on… did you sleep here?  In the parking lot?  Do you… live here?  I don’t think I’m supposed to talk to you.

They’re huggers, those Royals. David Banks-USA TODAY Sports

Who are the Royals?

What is this strange place, this… **consults enormous stack of papers**… American League Centralia?  From whence do these odd men dressed in their powder blues come?!  Whose names are these; the Francoeurs, Hochevars, and Moustakas?  Should we… should we throw garbage at them?  **Reaches into hideous aluminum trash can that has been dragged into the bleachers for this purpose exactly**

No, they are not a baseball-themed street gang here to cause trouble.  According to Mike Vamosi of Kings of Kauffman, “The Royals are a baseball organization from Kansas City, Missouri and not Kansas.”  Already, the 2013 home opener has been a raucously educational event.  ”Fun fact, the team began play in 1969 and lost to the Phillies in the 1980 World Series.”

Playing the Royals on opening day is stupid. The Phillies and Royals have absolutely no history or rivalry

— FanSince09 (@FanSince09) April 5, 2013

Wow!  The World Series!  The Royals probably have a chip on their shoulder, in that case.  Even after 33 years, that’s a wound you don’t forget.  Even after many, many subsequent wounds of varying brutality.  Maybe the MLB scheduling bot isn’t so bad after all.

Also, their mascot is Lappy, the Lion Who Uses His Royal Influence to Get Lap Dances.

What are the Royals doing here?

MLB just fell in love with Interleague play some years ago, so now they are trying to overdose on it by having it every day.  It is weird to see an AL team this early, but these are the times we live in.  Crazy.

“My guess is the teams are only playing because the great schedule gods drew the names out of the hat, thus meaning they’ve got to play over the weekend,” Vamosi explains.  We praise the schedule gods for being merciful and blessing us with the Royals, when there are is many one other AL Central team that is very good and could ruin our day.

The Phillies can falter against any team who remembers their pitcher, but fortunately the Royals are of the same breed; a breed that we may actually be able to defeat.

The Philly Inquirer’s Bob Brookover was not impressed by the match-up at all, growing borderline insulted.

“I’ve only been to Philly once (it was for the Dad Veil Regatta),” says Vamosi, “and somehow this doesn’t surprise me that they’d want another opponent. I wonder how this dude’s tune would change if KC happened to win the series? Again, an article like this doesn’t surprise me because of the suck streak the Royals are on.”

Who is pitching?

Kyle Kendrick, fucking something up. Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

Kyle Kendrick, the mop-topped fellow who secures a spot on the roster every year by living in his locker during the offseason.  Kyle got here when he was young and burrowed in, knowing his average skill set would constantly be an obstacle for his using of the skill set.

The years that followed were filled with frightening rhetoric, usually aimed at Kyle, who seemed to make small amounts of progress, only to come out and get shelled in a comically absurd fashion.  Sometimes, it wasn’t even his fault.  Once, in 2011, Jason Giambi homered off of him three times in one game in a 7-1 loss.  Kendrick was dragged into Rittenhouse Square and ridiculed mercilessly, but he had only known he would be starting that game for about 20 minutes before he did (Joe Blanton got scratched due to elbow soreness).

Naturally, he will be our opening day starter.  But that’s not his fault, either.  All the other good pitchers have already had a turn.  And they doing their own bit of faltering.  Kyle, on the other hand, had an improved 2012 and could be a key player in any sort of Phillies success in 2013.

Or he could come out there today, trip, face plant, receive a disgusted head shake from Rich Dubee, and never recover.

Let it be known that I will never hate Kyle Kendrick

— Jonathan (@JNisula) April 5, 2013

See?  We’re already coming around to him.  All he has to do is be absolutely perfect and we won’t make snap judgments about how the rest of his year is going to go and how physically attractive his mother is.

On the other side for the Royals is Wade Davis, a 27-year-old right hander who is named after a Canadian anthropologist.  Davis was traded from the Rays this offseason, and hasn’t made a start since 2011.  He has already been pushed back on the schedule for shoulder problems like some sort of dorkus.

He is the second cousin of former MLB person Jody Davis, who I remember owning the baseball card of.  I believe he was in mid-jog.  I had, like, three of them.

What’s the weather like?

Sunny, with a 0% chance of precipitation.  The day will start at 61 degrees and quite pleasant, and presuming the game ends before the sun goes down, no one will be in danger of an evening chill or of all of the “Philadelphia” that happens in Philadelphia when the city is enveloped by darkness.

People to watch

“Hur hur hur dur.’ Jake Roth-USA TODAY Sports

Jeff Francoeur

As a walking crime against baseball, the Royals outfielder and former “chosen one” is probably going to do something grotesque.  It’ll be funny.

Chase Utley

He just keeps doing wonderful things, and sometimes, he’s the only one.

Kyle Kendrick

He’ll be the guy covered in garbage if he makes a single mistake.

Cliff Lee

He’ll be in the dugout.  Probably smiling and telling jokes.  Or just chilling out.  Just a fun guy to look at and remember he is on your team.

Phanatic

Ha ha ha!  Look at him!

Look at him go! Howard Smith-USA TODAY Sports

So, how’s all this gonna go?

I don’t know.  Maybe clean yourself up, stop living in a parking lot, contact whatever family you have left, get a job, stop eating cats–

No, I mean the game

The game will be fine!  People will be excited, it’s a gorgeous day, the Phillies just won once so maybe they can do it again.  It’s really you I’m worried about.

I just read the back of my tickets.I can’t bring guns into CBP? Since when?!! #Obummer #ShariaLaw

— FanSince09 (@FanSince09) April 5, 2013

“Holds were a problem and a problem compounded much of the season by the lack of power from the missing bats of Utley and Howard.”

–Philebrity

“Amaro Jr. is banking that if Howard, Utley and Rollins can all play to their potential, the trio will one again make the Phillies a contender.”

–NJ.com

“Hardware or not, Utley has been one of the top players of his generation, and the skills are intact for him to ease into the twilight of his career.”

–Deadspin

Apr 1, 2013; Atlanta, GA, USA; Philadelphia Phillies second baseman Chase Utley (26) drives in two runs with a base hit against the Atlanta Braves during the fifth inning at Turner Field. The Braves defeated the Phillies 7-5. Mandatory Credit: Dale Zanine-USA TODAY Sports

On and on they went about Chase (and Ryan, but that’ll be another night).  Like he couldn’t hear them.  Like he could chew on their words for breakfast every morning.

“We need you Chase,” we’d whine.  ”Need.”

There was no denying the betterment of this team with Chase Utley in its lineup.  And he was in it on Opening Day.

In it… to the max.

“Need,” we’d say again.  And people would be like, “Oh my god shut up.”

So, where to begin?  Cole Hamels, I guess. I don’t know if you heard, but he saved his mustache.  It was terrible.  Nobody’s happy.  His commitment was, naturally, under scrutiny.  And then the first game of the year started.

Apr 1, 2013; Atlanta, GA, USA; Atlanta Braves left fielder Justin Upton (8) (right) reacts with his brother center fielder B.J. Upton (2) after hitting a home run against the Philadelphia Phillies during the fifth inning at Turner Field. Mandatory Credit: Dale Zanine-USA TODAY Sports

Atlanta scored immediately, and then again, and then again.  They, as everyone in the known universe said at the time, will hit many home runs this season.  Like they did tonight!  Many, many home runs.  Cole got shelled for three all by himself, courtesy of Freddie Freeman (1st), Dan Uggla (2nd), and Justin Upton (5th).  They accounted for four runs, before Chad Durbin entered the game and just made things even worse.

Literally.  He did nothing to make it better.  Durbin recorded no outs, but when he left the game, runners were on second and third.  It was like watching a nature program about things getting utterly devoured.  His runs came in kind of immediately, but in the final three innings, Jeremy Horst and Phillippe Aumont gave up a combined one hit and zero runs.  It was the Phillies’ game to lose.

And they lost it.

Apr 1, 2013; Atlanta, GA, USA; Philadelphia Phillies starting pitcher Cole Hamels (35) pitches against the Atlanta Braves during the fourth inning at Turner Field. The Braves defeated the Phillies 7-5. Mandatory Credit: Dale Zanine-USA TODAY Sports

But not without the aforementioned Utley.  He knocked in the first run with a homer, knocked in the next two with an RBI double, and scored the next one after tripling.

The amount of runs he knocked in or scored himself equals the total of the runs the Phillies scored tonight.  Ryan Howard – predominantly a nonfactor tonight – had a sac fly and turkey bacon commercial star Erik Kratz had an RBI single to push in Utley and keep people watching.

Ben Revere looking fantastic, taking pitches, making guys throw a lot, getting on base, and stealing at whim.  Somewhere at the top of this lineup, he is going to be massively effective, especially if Utley, and hopefully other people, keep up the ability to get him around.

Michael Young went 0-for-2 with a pair of walks (one IBB) and Dom Brown, who came up in the game’s biggest moment with the bases loaded after Young’s IBB and grounded out to second quickly, was 1-for-3 with a walk and a lot of people making disappointed clicking noises with their mouths.

When it all went wrong

Dom Brown not bashing a thousand runs with the bases loaded and the Phillies mounting a heroic comeback and instead bashing a no-run weak bouncer to second.

Hero 

Chase Utley’s return to the lineup on Opening Day proved he was the dynamo we all suspected he wasn’t being before by not being there.

Villain

Freddie Freeman set the tone for the Braves early, hitting a home run when he was supposed to shut the hell up.

TBOH’s Thoughts

Hey, rest of Phillies. Are you watching Ben Revere here? Hey Ruben, do you see what he’s doing here? This is what we’ve been talking about.

— John Stolnis (@FelskeFiles) April 2, 2013

@felskefiles what are you talking about I’ve never poisoned John Mayberry how dare you slander me I’ll poison you

— Justin Klugh (@TBOHblog) April 2, 2013

Screw the cycle talk crap, Chase Utley is just the sexiest baseball player ever. Wish we had 8 Utley’s out there #phillies

— Ben Horrow (@Summerpastime) April 2, 2013

Dan uggla brings out the worst in people

— Justin Klugh (@TBOHblog) April 2, 2013

He’s so relaxed he’s spent the past few days firing a hot dog cannon and growing a mustache.  This is locked-in, World Seires MVP Hamels, not talk show-rattled, hands-in-the-air post-World Series Hamels.  Watching Roy Halladay step out of the spotlight and into another spotlight a few days later is not stressful at all.

Why shouldn’t we have the same ironclad faith in Cole that we’ve had in Doc?

“If you want to be great in this game, you’re going to have to do it very well more times than not to be that guy.”

–Cole Hamels

Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

Okay, yeah, his t-shirt catch phrases could use some work, but we can’t all have gems like “It’s only gonna get funner” or “Whatever.”  I mean that was groundbreaking stuff.  Innovation at its finest.  Cole’s going up against some heavy-hitters in that regard.

And also, in the baseball regard.  The Braves were so dedicated to offensive prowess in the offseason that they brothers.  Brothers.  Two brothers on the same team!  They might as well just hang out outside the World Series trophy factory and save that beleaguered trophy-maker the long drive to Atlanta so he can he is kids for more than 24 hours a year.

But Cole knows what this situation is and what it implies.

“A lot of great pitchers have had that honor, and to be one of them, it’s something I will cherish. To be able to get your team off to the right start sets the tone for the entire season.”

–Cole Hamels

Some people would argue that this is just one game, it just happens to come before all of the other ones, but Cole knows.  People’s baseball juice is all backed up from holding it all winter.  Today, people will be popping all over the Delaware Valley, and if they have nothing but a dreary loss in their heads tonight, this land will be transformed into a nightmarish hellscape quicker than you can say “It already is pretty bad.”

“So I think — even though you don’t want to hear it — it’s more or less just the knowledge that you have to give it everything you can while you can, because it’s going to be taken away really fast and you don’t want to regret anything.”

–Cole Hamels

Cole understands the inevitable touch of grim death – a key aspect of an Opening Day starter.  He knows the gifts he’s been given are fleeting, like life’s other tricks: love, feelings, confidence, that feeling like everything is going to be okay.  In time, they are obliterated by the harsh realness of being alive.

And if Cole can grasp this, then we should really be okay.  Also, he should have the “pitching” aspect down.  That would be also be good.