That Balls Outta Here » Mike Zagurski

Interminable Mike Zagurski Trade Finally Comes to Noticeable End

Justin Klugh — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 15:20:54 +0000

Mike Zagurski was traded and apparently the other team felt obligated to give us something for him, which is nice. Its always encouraging when teams work together like that. After several months of careful, deep introspection, the Diamondbacks gave us Adam Worthington. (more…)

Phillies Recommend Not Filling Void Left by Mike Zagurski with Food

Justin Klugh — Fri, 23 Sep 2011 19:05:20 +0000

Left-handed people are treated like royalty in baseball. If teams could, they sprout and harvest their own crops of southpaws in subterranean labs, getting them from some organic process that led to fully developed humans being birthed out of a giant gross plant or something. Any righties accidentally generated by this process would be summarily executed.

Seriously. They would do that.

My point is that Mike Zagurski’s left arm is probably why we were forced to believe in him for so long. Now, any confidence-building on Zagurski’s behalf will be done by the “crowds” in Arizona, where he is now employed by snakes. (more…)

IronPigs Get Oinked Out of Series Sweep

Justin Klugh — Thu, 15 Sep 2011 13:45:01 +0000

The Phillies may have clinched playoff berth, but they’re not the only ones finding out what goes on afterward. The Lehigh Valley IronPigs are also working their way toward a trophy, so join us as we chronicle their march to victory with astonishing bias.

Nate Bump took the mound for Game 2 of the International League playoff series between the Lehigh Valley IronPigs and the Columbus Shitbirds with no idea that he would not be awarded a victory on account of a horrendous screwjob.

With a runner on first, Bump hurled a 1-2 pitch that appeared to be a called third strike, but was deemed a ball, probably to spare batter Argenis Reyes’ feelings. Either that or the umpires were instructed to do what they could to stretch the playoff series as long as possible in order to keep that sweet, sweet Triple-A money rolling in. (more…)