HERE COMES ANOTHER SWEET EMBRAAAACCCE Peter G. Aiken-US PRESSWIRE

Candidates for coaching job are Mike Sweeney and Matt Stairs; not anti-abstinence crime fighting duo

Pete MacKanin was recently fired by the Phillies, leaving a vacancy in their ‘bench coach’ position.  What the bench coach’s job entails is taking over if the manager is thrown out of the game, holding a clipboard, suggesting ideas that are ultimately discarded, and organizing the preseason workout schedules in a way that doesn’t kill the players.

The Phillies decided that the position was not valuable to keep on, and have eliminated it entirely, thus destroying Pete Mackanin’s legacy and dooming it to be forgotten forever.  In its place on the payroll will be an assistant hitting coach, to accompany new hitting coach Steve Henderson and provide valuable insight on the mashery of taters.

“It’s something that’s worked for some other clubs.  We’ve researched it quite a bit, so we’re going to go with a two-man crew in that regard.”

–Ruben Amaro

But the selection process will also indicate just what the Phillies expect from their offense.  Henderson will be there to offer the fundamentals, while the assistant will wind up being more of a definition of their team-specific philosophy.  What philosophy is that?

It depends on which of their first two candidates they pursue.  First is Mike “Captain Hugs” Sweeney, who we all remember from being beloved as a Phillie for a brief time in 2010 and in the process locking Dom Brown in a passionate embrace.  Next would be Matt “Ass Hammer” Stairs, whose job was to obliterate baseballs, which he did, turning them into an endangered species in the Delaware Valley in 2008.

In either case, the Phillies would be employing a folk hero to be on staff and in the clubhouse.  Sweeney would keep people smiling and hugged, and Stairs would keep them alarmed at how large he is, and often hammered.  In the ass.

Either, they’d keep people in a good mood, and Matt Stairs could teach Darin Ruf how to evolve from a “home run” hitter to more of a “home run” clobbering-smasher.  The potential is limitless!

But finally, finally… we have the proof that Roy Halladay had a terrorizing 2010.

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In securing at least a series victory from the Padres, the Phillies are attempting to scuttle back from the humiliation of the last series, and seem to be sort of capable to do it.  What reasons could they possibly have for falling to Brett Myers’ latest foster family but being able to bounce back?  Only a handful of explanations make sense.

• Wizard’s curse
• Thought it’d be funny
• Only way to avoid seeing Brett Myers throw embarrassing temper tantrum
• Secret addendum to J.A. Happ’s deal was that he gets to be part of sweep in first series back in Philly
• Everyone distracted by skyrocketing Philly porn scene

“It’s baseball,” Shane Victorino said.

Oh.

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