Nothing.  Just like before.

I’m not complaining.  I’m not going use this as a reason to kick Ruben Amaro in the ribs.  He’s been a ballsy wheeler and dealer until this point, and we’re not going to see the fruits, or parasites, of his labor until baseball is actually being played and not just paid for.

And for the most part, he’s been successful.

*GASP*

Barfing Unicorn, what are you doing here?!  We haven’t seen you since Game 3 of the World Series!  I thought you were reserved only for incidents regarding immense disgust or frustration with the Phillies!

Oh, I see.  You’re also the symbol for confusion.  It’s that pesky bullpen, isn’t it, Barfing Unicorn?  You don’t want March to get closer and closer while watching Lidge-ternatives get snatched by other clubs?

Hmm.  Makes sense.  Unlike a unicorn that barfs rainbows.  But you should cut the Phillies some slack when it comes to which relievers they’re signing.

We know who it’s not.  We know who it might be.

Ruben Amaro’s like a starving hawk in the offseason.  Screeching overhead, he swoops down and snares a third baseman, a bench, and the best pitcher in modern baseball in his talons.  Meanwhile, his chicks in the nest are being eaten by snakes.

The chicks being the bullpen.  Work with me, people.

Look, we think somebody’s showing up for a physical in early January.  It’s just a matter of who. Danys Baez?  Mike MacDougal?  Miguel Batista?  What are you barfing about?  This is exactly the type of pitcher Amaro wants.  Roy Halladay, whether you like the signing or not, devoured a lot of money on his way into Philly, and get this, we were apparently already in the red anyway.

So what Amaro’s looking for, Barfing Unicorn, is somebody he doesn’t have to pay much for, but also someone who could really thrive in a Phillies environment.  He wants to not pay for his cake and eat it too.

I know, I know.  It can be hard to watch.  The bullpen is what cost us a lot this year.  You might say our lack of pitching depth cost us a second consecutive World Series title.  And the only guy who achieved true success on the mound for the Phils in the Series is now quickly getting accumulated to the Pacific Northwest.  But they can’t all be behind-the-back grounders and lazily caught pop-ups.

Besides, we still have that delectable farm system.  If we can acquire a couple of experienced late game relievers, the holes could easily be filled by the likes of Antonio Bastardo, Sergio Escalona, or the apparently indestructible Scott Mathieson.  Those guys aren’t going anywhere.

And like I said, it is being insinuated that Ruben’s hauling in a free agent reliever for a physical next month.  So we’re on our way.

Okay?  Think you can keep the rainbows down for the rest of the night?

Good.

What?  What now?

Oh.  Yeah.  The Mets signed Jason Bay.  That one I can’t explain.

Stay out of my dreams tonight, Barfing Unicorn.

BECAUSE HE IS CHAN HO PARK AND HE IS A MAN DAMN IT.

Ha, ha, wow. This actually happened.

Let’s put aside the weeks-long temper tantrum he’s been throwing about becoming a starting pitcher (The Phillies:  “No.”)  Now, he’s taking a trip down memory lane to get all “Where’s my money?!” on ex-pro catcher Chad Kreuter.

Kreuter is a former Dodger teammate of Park’s from 2000-01 and now coaches at the University of Southern California.  Coaches baseball, not… money-laundering.  Obviously.

Anyways, he apparently borrowed $460,000 from Park at some point, said he’d pay it back in a year, didn’t, and is now suffering the consequences of effing with Park during what is apparently a time in his life when is not to be trifled with.

Why did he borrow the money?  Why from Park?  WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?!

Let’s go to the comments section for some intriguing fan commentary:

“NO MATTER WHERE MR. PARK PLAYS NEXT SEASON THE PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES WILL BE THE 2010 WORLD CHAMPIONS! I HAVE BEEN A PHILLIES FAN FOR 50 YEARS!”

…

Wow.

But why even talk about this when the Phillies aren’t not not signing a relief pitcher, maybe?

The MacDougal or Baez process is going to be about watching and waiting.  I’m going to say that they are close to equal caliber closers, both capable of backing up the ass-end of the bullpen.  I’m just relieved we’re apparently in talks with some relief pitchers.

Hopefully, not far into the future we will be reporting on more “Phillies sign talented relievers” stories, but until then… hat thievery for everyone!   Ha-ha!

One problem, though.  Nobody knows who it is.

“Its Mike MacDougal!” cries the Philly Inquirer.

Sure, let’s start speculation.  Its the holidays.  I’ve got nothing better to do.  Let’s say it’s MacDougal.  All right, cool.  The guy’s not a mind-blower, but he’s got closing experience and in the right environment he could thrive as much as anyone else.

“Its Danys Baez!” MLB.com shouts back.

O…Oh.  Yeah, that’s fine, too.  Honestly, I’m finding myself more and more drawn to anyone new pitching out of our bullpen when I think about Charlie Manuel talking on the phone in the middle of a tense early season game, and Lidge and Romero just look at each other and shrugging.

Baez has even worked with Charlie before, and with an Orioles club that’s perpetually tripping over it’s own division, he’s probably more than ready to get some time with a club like the Phils.  His 4-6, 4.02 ERA in 59 appearances isn’t incredible, but hey.

Somebody’s gotta jog out to the mound late in the game.  Might as well be somebody that’s done it before.

UPDATE:  HELLO, GOOD BAEZ

It’s Danys Baez.

Maybe.

It ain’t Smoltz, because of durability issues, it ain’t Rodney, who went the way of the Angels (LA, not… death) it ain’t MacDougal, because Ruben’s telling us there haven’t been any serious talks with him… it’s dwindling down to Danys Baez, the Orioles reliever.

If it is indeed true, Baez is the first block in a bullpen that needs some building.  Get to it, Ruben.

Merry Christmas.