Man, I gotta go play for the METS??? Mandatory Credit: Jake Roth-USA TODAY Sports

The Mets are going to stink this year. We all know this.

After losing Scott Hairston on a two-year deal with the Cubs last night, the Mets outfield, as of right now, looks something like this:

Lucas Duda in LF, Kirk Nieuwenhuis in CF and Mike Baxter in RF.

Kinda makes a Ruf/Revere/Young outfield combination look like the ’95 Indians by comparison, huh?

Yes, the Mets are in trouble. I mean, they could be really bad this year. Stinky bad.

The only players in the lineup that really scare you are David Wright and Ike Davis. Johan Santana is the only starting pitcher that gives anyone a second of hesitation.

As their rosters look now, the Mets are going to battle the Marlins to reach the 75-win plateau this year.

Of course, that leads to speculation that New York may be seriously kicking the tires on free agent outfielder Michael Bourn. Bourn is still without a home, still presumably looking for that five-year, $15 million a season contract from someone, anyone, that is willing to pay it.

That’s right, even the Mets.

Of course, with the way this off-season has been going for the Phillies, New York is almost a lock to sign him at this point, right?

Maybe not, according to Fox’s Ken Rosenthal…

Either way, one person familiar with #Mets doubts team will meet Scott Boras’ price for Bourn. “Zero chance,” he said.

— Ken Rosenthal (@Ken_Rosenthal) January 24, 2013

But perhaps Bourn’s asking price has come down. Perhaps he’s no longer looking for a five-year deal. Maybe Bourn would take a three or four-year deal.

Or, maybe he’d even sign a one-year contract so that he can re-enter the market next year when there are fewer free agent center fielders available and more teams in need of one.

If that’s the case, shouldn’t the Phillies come calling?

My suspicion is with Justin Upton looking more and more like an Atlanta Brave as each hour passes, the Mets are certain to land Bourn, continuing the collective purple nurple the baseball angels have been giving every Phillies fan for the last year and a half.

Listen, the Phils are going to need all the easy wins they can get in 2013. The last thing they need is for an All-Star player that has been a thorn in their side over the years to stay within the division, causing even more of a headache, even on a team as potentially bad as the Mets.

Of course, maybe it won’t happen. Maybe New York will do the right thing and continue to be a cheap also-ran in the NL East.

That would be better for us.

That would be better for everybody.

Maybe the Mets won’t sign Michael Bourn.

I know, I know… we’re not that lucky.

Ruben Amaro has set fire to the snow in recent winters, giving us warm Halladays and Cliffs and Papelbons to dance around while the sun sets at four in the afternoon.  And while his new found patience is admirable, it is at the same time, explosively irritating.

So let’s all drum our fingers on the counter and watch Thursday Night Football and pretend we’re not staring at that phone like Ruben’s gonna call any moment with the good news.

“I signed Michael Bourn!” he’d say.

“That’s nice, I wish he wasn’t as old as he is,” we’d reply.

“No, you don’t understand, I signed 2009 Michael Bourn, when he led the league in stolen bases and won a Gold Glove.  Employing a witch doctor as an assistant GM has paid off in spades.”

“Hooray, I have literally no other problems!  That was the last one!”

Mandatory Credit: Charles LeClaire-US PRESSWIRE

This will never happen, as Ruben Amaro has suspiciously never confirmed or denied his stance on the effectiveness of witch doctoring.  Also because he keeps us very, very far out of the loop.  But, as a general concept of “signing Michael Bourn,” it may happen for a few reasons:  The Phillies have a past with Bourn, they have the money to pay him what he wants even if it’s outrageous, he’s the superior WAR candidate, and he’s part of a shrinking short list.

He’s a great fit for this offense as a leadoff hitter who can outrun the instincts of most Major League catchers.  He’s got a skill set that makes him a scoring threat after as little as a hit-by-pitch, but he is more than likely going to want money to exchange those skills in a Phillies uniform.

That aforementioned short list includes famed Hawaiian fellow Shane Victorino, Angel Pagan, Josh Hamilton, and some longer shots like Alejandro de Aza and Dexter Fowler, who really are not as good at baseball as the ideal candidate would be.  In baseball’s deepest market, it seems the Phillies are content to go for a swim.

There is no easy formula.  Any guy that’s a great fit wants to stay too long, any guy that’s affordable may not be a solution.  Even the chosen ones like B.J. Upton and Denard Span are flawed, and far from guarantees that they’ll contribute what the blinding light of hope has made it seem they possess.

Which is why it’s refreshing to see our excitable GM taking a second to back up, sit down, and consider just what in the hell is going on.

That doesn’t mean it’s easy to wait for him to figure it out, especially when all of us so clearly have.

Is Michael Bourn reacting to the Nats’ trading for Denard Span? Mandatory Credit: Charles LeClaire-US PRESSWIRE

That drumming you hear is not the drum corps from the local marching band preparing for their next super-cool band competition (confessions of a band geek… I was one). It is not a tribe of late 19th century Apaches trying to freak out a band of westward-traveling pale-faces.

No, that drumbeat you hear is the call of Michael Bourn being led to the Phillies, thanks to the Nationals’ acquisition of Minnesota’s lead-off hitter and center fielder Denard Span.

The Nats were seen as a likely landing spot for the former Phillie and Brave, who were desperate for a lead-off hitter and center fielder to play between Jayson Werth and Rookie of the Year Bryce Harper. Instead, they acquired Span, leaving one less suitor from which Bourn and his superagent Scott Boras can pry more cash.

Not only that, it appears a second suitor other than the Nationals also has no interest in signing Bourn.

#Nationals acquire Denard Span and #reds say they’re not interested in Michael Bourn. The market for Bourn has shrunken.

— Jerry Crasnick (@jcrasnick) November 29, 2012

So with the Reds apparently out, suddenly the Phils are one of the only teams with deep pockets who still have a gaping hole in center field. And while this seems to be unsettling to some fans, the reality is that Ruben Amaro’s patience thus far has put the Phils in an excellent bargaining position.

@andrewheller1 The #Phillies actually can have a choice now between Bourn, Pagan and Victorino Or even Hamilton. Sitting pretty.

— Bob Nightengale (@BNightengale) November 29, 2012

The Phillies really are sitting pretty. They have four potential center field free agent possibilities in Bourn, Josh Hamilton, Angel Pagan and Shane Victorino. And by slow-playing this process so far, Amaro has put the Phils in position to pick and choose the player they want and sign them at a reasonable price.

In fact, Amaro already did the right thing by pursuing B.J. Upton at his own price, refusing to overpay this time around.

The Phillies were the first to express interest in B.J. Upton.But their best offer was five years for $55 million.#Braves

— Mark Bowman (@mlbbowman) November 29, 2012

The truth is, if Amaro can sign any of the remaining free agents to a three-year deal, all of them would be a fit. And along with Bourn, many national pundits and guessperts (see what I did there?) are suggesting Amaro would like to make a big splash and could sign Hamilton in an attempt to one-up the Braves and Nationals.

While I’m sure Amaro would love nothing more than to upstage his inter-division rivals with a big signing, Ruben sure seems to be taking a calm, measured approach to filling the team’s needs thus far.

I know, it feels weird, doesn’t it?

What is certain is that Michael Bourn and his team of money people are circling the wagons, likely realizing their payday isn’t going to be quite the windfall they once expected.

Let’s all silently weep for Scott Boras, if only for a moment.