Anyways, here’s Ehsan Kassim of Marlin Maniac again to clear some things up.

Charlie Manuel would have played Delmon Young in right yesterday, had not been for him getting hit by a pitch the day before. Why has god foresaken us?

That’s an easy one, this is all still revenge for booing Santa.  [EDITOR'S NOTE: Oh, do people know about that?]

July 14, 2012; Miami, FL, USA; Miami Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria (right) presents framed photos and newspapers of former Florida Marlins catcher Ivan Rodriguez (left) during a ceremony before the game between the Marlins and Washington Nationals at Marlins Park. Mandatory Credit: Steve Mitchell-USA TODAY Sports

With few good players to have taken from you via injury, what sort of comically inept things do you expect to happen to the Marlins?

Our players don’t need to be injured for bad things to happen to the team. You have to remember our owner is Jeffery Loria. Loria is a man who thinks he knows baseball and acts on an impulse. Even though Redmond does not have much to work with, it would not surprise me at this point to see him firing him for a bad season. It’s funny, Loria told us fans to have patience, but I believe he will lose patience long before the fans do and do something like trade for Ryan Howard (no offense).

This guy recently wrote about the Marlins, “Whether you like the owner or not this is a fun team to watch.” Is that true? Do people think that? Sorry the font just changed.

The Marlins are an extremely fun team to watch, if you have the eye sight of Stevie Wonder. No wait, I take that back, even he would not be able to watch a Marlins game. Last I heard, even the Marlins players’ families don’t watch the games. Mothers fear their kids will have nightmares after watching a game. Me, personally, I sold my soul for Lebron James to sign in Miami, so watching a Marlins game has no effect on me.

How many Marlins games have you been to this season? Are you part of the problem? Or is the whole deal with Loria make the people who DO go to the games part of the problem?

I live in Alabama, so I have not been to any games this season. I think the only thing worse than watching the Marlins play this season is living in Alabama. They still live in the McCarthy Era and believe that everything they disagree with is Communist. But I digress. If I were in South Florida, I would attend as many games as I could. Cannot stand Loria, but the only thing I would hate more is to miss an experience at the ballpark.

Apr 28, 2013; Miami, FL, USA; Miami Marlins catcher Rob Brantly (19) during the fourth inning against the Chicago Cubs at Marlins Park. Mandatory Credit: Steve Mitchell-USA TODAY Sports

The Fish recently climbed over the Phillies in the league rankings of OPS. What is the secret to getting players on base? How have the Marlins figured it out with such a smaller payroll than the Phillies? “Money = production,” I learned in Ruben Amaro’s General Managing Academy of Doom. When I signed up for classes, the “of Doom” part of the sign was covered up by a tree branch.

I read Moneyball, so I think the secret to get runners on base is either to get four balls or hit the ball where a fielder is not located at. But then again, I have not seen a competent offense in a long time, so players being on base is a foreign affair to me.

Can the Marlins notch win number 10 during this series? Yes, they can. Which two games will they win, by how much, and what will the defining moment be?

Well, I answered these questions after the Marlins dropped the opener, but I am still holding out hope for at least one win this series. At this point, a strong start from Fernandez on Saturday and his first major league victory would be amazing enough for me.

The Phillies head to glorious Miami for the weekend to play baseball in an empty room against the league’s crappiest team.

The Marlins have been, as advertised, very bad.  The Opening Day attendance was fun, but it’s nine games into the season now, and it’s time for reality to set in: This is not a good team.  This is not a fun team.  This is a team the Phillies should beat, after the pregame yuks with Placido Polanco and Greg Dobbs behind the gatting cage.

Coming off their first series win of the year and a pair of dominant pitching starts from Cliff Lee and Kyle Kendrick, the Phillies put John Lannan out there to see if he’s going to give them another seven good innings.  Chase Utley, Dom Brown, and Michael Young look to keep their bats hot and I’m sure [Marlins player] wants to do well, too.

John Lannan, (0-0) 3.86 ERA

Apr 6, 2013; Philadelphia, PA, USA; Philadelphia Phillies pitcher John Lannan (27) delivers to the plate during the first inning against the Kansas City Royals at Citizens Bank Park. The Phillies defeated the Royals 4-3. Mandatory Credit: Howard Smith-USA TODAY Sports

Lannan’s last start was a decent, back of the rotation outing.  He went the amount of innings the recipe calls for, which has been uncommon for the Phillies’ staff this year, thanks to its two best pitchers (what?).

He allowed only five hits and three runs against the Royals, which, if current offensive trends continue, should be enough of a barricade to provide a win.  If he can keep his pitches down against an even weaker lineup, Lannan should be just fine.  Of course, underestimating bad teams is exactly what gets us swept by the Astros every year (and bombarded by the Royals this year).  So maybe he should just throw a no-hitter to be safe.

Ricky Nolasco, (0-1) 3.97 ERA

Nolasco has already pitched twice this year, somehow, but has not a victory to show for it.  Blame the offense, as he has only allowed five runs in over 11 innings.  If you Google him, the results are mostly Bryce Harper stories with Nolasco’s name mentioned in passing as one of the little clown-enthusiast’s victims.

He allowed two runs on Opening Day and lost; he allowed three runs against the Mets and left after 5.1 innings.  He’s an improved specimen from recent years, sacrificing his strikeout total for a more workable, home run-stifling strategy.  In the small sample size, it appears remotely effective, though he did allow a home run almost immediately to start the season.

Nolasco has been pitching well, and if trends continue, we’ll have to count on the Marlins’ offense to sputter before he does.

Offense

Other NL East teams have been making hamburger meat out of the Marlins, and with a small amount of momentum, the Phillies can too.  Their offense has been impressing the hell out of Matt Stairs, the human embodiment of a second-deck home run.

Congrats to my buddy nix on ph homer. Phillies playing much better and getting key hits

— mstairs12 (@mstairs12) April 11, 2013

Chase Utley’s solid year continues with exemplary power, knocking another home run in the finale of the Mets series.  Michael Young’s bat has caught fire as well, as he scraped against the cycle in one game, then went 2-for-3 with a walk and a double in the last one.  Ryan Howard notched a couple of hits and seems to be wrapping his head around things, while Ben Revere struggles to get on base after an impressive debut.

Apr 8, 2013; Miami, FL, USA; Miami Marlins right fielder Giancarlo Stanton (27) reacts on opening night against the Atlanta Braves at Marlins Park. Mandatory Credit: Steve Mitchell-USA TODAY Sports

Giancarlo Stanton is the Marlins’ offense and he has been striking out and walking a whole lot.  No home runs and only four hits in 34 at-bats.  Keep him under wraps and everything will probably be cool; but let’s be honest, you know Greg Dobbs is going to be a pain in the ass just because.  Juan Pierre, too.  So annoying.  As a whole, though, the Marlins’ lineup is non too menacing.

Chris Valaika got his first career start at first base, though!

I read the article and I still don’t know who that is.

As noted feelings-haver Craig Calcaterra recently put it, a team’s numbers can only be trusted so much when half of their games have been against Miami.  They’re just not a good… thing.  With that said, there are still a few heroic fishermen weathering the storm in South Florida.  One is Ehsan Kassim of Marlin Maniac, who took the time to respond to my consistently antagonistic messages.

The Marlins recently kicked a bunch of fans out of their park for protesting the team being ruined. What will be the breaking point for Jeffrey Loria? Will there be one? What will break?

Jeffery Loria is your modern day supervillan. He is the perfect antagonist, as he does whatever he wants to ruin other peoples lives and no one can do anything to stop him. I believe him when he says he wants to experience 2003 again, but he has no idea how to do that again. He walked into a situation with an up and coming ballclub and made a couple of moves that happened to go his way. If he had not won the 2003 World Series, 2003 would be remembered as the year the Marlins traded Adrian Gonzalez for a closer who is currently in prison.

I don’t think Loria has a breaking point. He does not care about public perception at all. He has already screwed baseball in Montreal and he won’t stop till he gets a shot to kill the Yankees organization from bottom up. The only person that could stop Loria is Bud Selig, but he and Jeff have been buddy buddy since Montreal.

After trading away every asset, what is the idea behind keeping Giancarlo Stanton? Even if they don’t care about baseball – they don’t – then can’t they understand how much precious, precious money they could get for him?

Giancarlo is still a Marlin because he is considered cheap labor. Making just the league minimum, Loria and company have no problem paying Stanton nothing to be one of the best players in baseball. This upcoming offseason, Stanton will be arbitration eligible for the first time. If the team has not extended Stanton by that time, he is likely a goner and the Marlins will find a package of 4-5 prospects making even less than Stanton. Yay for Marlins Way!!

Giancarlo Stanton recently said it was “too early to panic” about the season. Is he insinuating that there are people whose hopes for the Marlins were so high that they are seeing the beginning of their season as a disappointment? Where are these people? Are they okay?

I think Stanton was talking about his own play eventually picking up as he makes his adjustments. But also, unlike Loria, Stanton has a heart and cares about the Marlins fans. He was just throwing the fans a bone and providing hope for a season that everyone knows is essentially a lost cause.

The only way you will find a Marlins fan with high hopes is if they are on an acid trip. That is the only way I can phantom someone picturing this current Marlins core hoisting the NL East crown. As they tell you in school, “Drugs are bad, just say no.” In the case for Marlins fans, if you want to enjoy the 2013 season, go for it!

Jamie Moyer recently stated that at 50, he hasn’t “closed that door” on pitching in Major League Baseball. How soon after that statement can we expect the Marlins to reach out to him?

I bet you anything that the Marlins have already reached out to Moyer, but were soon turned away as soon as Moyer found out that the Marlins no longer pay players in US currency.  The Loria currency is still looking for a name, as Loria is trying to sell it’s advertising rights, is currently worth less than half a food stamp.

Placido Polanco was cast at the Opening Day clean up hitter for the Miami Marlins. What?

You think that was bad? Greg Dobbs has been the cleanup hitter 5 or 6 times this season. I think that should answer all that you need to know about the Marlins crappiness.

Do the Phillies have the potential to be worse than the Marlins this season? Yes, they do. Whoops, I answered that one for you. Well, how much worse could they be? Like a ton worse, they’re crap. Whoops, sorry again. But answer that last one please.

The Phillies have all the potential to be worse than the Marlins. But the key here is that the Marlins have the potential to be the worst team EVER. So the chances of the Phillies out Marlin-ing the Marlins is not likely. Sorry to disappoint any Phillies fans reading this article.