They are merely the latest in a line of disappearances dating back to earlier last week.  Phillies officials are aware of the absences, and have responded that they are in fact the motivation for them.

As of today, the following players have been disappeared:

• Tyler Cloyd, master of Kyle Kendrick-replacement
• Sebastian Valle, master of wielding a catcher’s mask as a weapon
• Tyson Gillies, master of human body-hurling
• Mauricio Robles, master of team confusion
• B.J. Rosenberg

This is what B.J. Rosenberg, I learned today. Mandatory Credit: Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

Reports indicate that the Phillies intend to have enough players to fill out an active roster, but as they continue to mysteriously ship players out of camp, some have wondered if they are aware how many players will be needed.

Regardless, the Phillies camp is five players lighter, as the survivors return home this evening, wondering what the team – or, y’know, life, man – has in store for them.

“Will I even be here tomorrow?” Chase Utley asked.  ”Will I wake up in that corn field with the others?”

“What the hell was that?!” Cole Hamels screamed as the bat leaning on a bench slowly slid and clattered to the floor.  ”Jesus, I thought that was them.”

When pressed by whom he could be living in paralyzing fear of, Hamels shook his head and refused to speak, as he began to assemble a crude religious structure in front of his locker for “protection,” as Rich Dubee explained, rolling his eyes.

He does a fastball, a curve, and a change that most agree is his best friend.  They’re practically inseparable!

Also, this:

• The Peoria Chiefs were referred to as “the second-best hitting team in the Midwest League,” by mid-July, 2008.  They finished the year with a team OPS just barely over .700, but hey, that was a long time ago.  Who knows what numbers meant back then.  Nevertheless, Robles mowed right through them on July 13, chucking six shutout innings and allowing only four hits for the Single-A West Michigan Whitecaps.  Suck it, Peoria.  Added note–the Midwest League MVP that year?  Ben Revere.
• Through over 90 innings, Robles kept his ERA well under 3.00 (And throwing over 45 consecutive scoreless innings at home), but still found himself slotted into the Single-A roster a year later.  He responded in April 2009 by cramming a 5-0 victory down the throat of South Bend.
• His next start was a similar erasing, putting his strike out total for the year–through three starts–at 26.  The team finished April with a 14-5 record.
• In June, Robles got the promotion he deserved, and arrived in Detroit’s Single-A+ operation, Lakeland, ruining his chances to appear in the Midwest League All-Star Game to which he was fervently voted.  He’d missed two games with a blister on his finger.
• A month later, the Mariners saw more value in Robles than Detroit ever would, and snared him in the trade that made Jarrod Washburn a Tiger.  At least one Detroit News writer took notice, saying that “Robles has a chance at being for Seattle what Jair Jurrjens has been for the Atlanta Braves,” which means that this guy apparently thought Robles would one day be forced to watch Cliff Lee hit a home run while giving an in-game interview on Fox Saturday Baseball.
• Robles finished out 2009 in Seattle’s High Desert, eating 32.1 innings and posting a 2.78 ERA with 34 K’s and 19 walks.  Entering 2010, he combined with three other pitchers in his Double-A debut with the Jackson Generals to hurl a one-hit shutout.  As the starter, Robles went four and a third innings, giving up a hit.  He left the game after reaching his pitch count and threatening to pitch everyone to death.
• Then like every good pitching story, Robles had to have surgery in 2011.  He had some of them “loose fragments” in his left elbow that kept threatening his family.
• His favorite food is the “hamburger.”