HERE COMES ANOTHER SWEET EMBRAAAACCCE Peter G. Aiken-US PRESSWIRE

Candidates for coaching job are Mike Sweeney and Matt Stairs; not anti-abstinence crime fighting duo

Pete MacKanin was recently fired by the Phillies, leaving a vacancy in their ‘bench coach’ position.  What the bench coach’s job entails is taking over if the manager is thrown out of the game, holding a clipboard, suggesting ideas that are ultimately discarded, and organizing the preseason workout schedules in a way that doesn’t kill the players.

The Phillies decided that the position was not valuable to keep on, and have eliminated it entirely, thus destroying Pete Mackanin’s legacy and dooming it to be forgotten forever.  In its place on the payroll will be an assistant hitting coach, to accompany new hitting coach Steve Henderson and provide valuable insight on the mashery of taters.

“It’s something that’s worked for some other clubs.  We’ve researched it quite a bit, so we’re going to go with a two-man crew in that regard.”

–Ruben Amaro

But the selection process will also indicate just what the Phillies expect from their offense.  Henderson will be there to offer the fundamentals, while the assistant will wind up being more of a definition of their team-specific philosophy.  What philosophy is that?

It depends on which of their first two candidates they pursue.  First is Mike “Captain Hugs” Sweeney, who we all remember from being beloved as a Phillie for a brief time in 2010 and in the process locking Dom Brown in a passionate embrace.  Next would be Matt “Ass Hammer” Stairs, whose job was to obliterate baseballs, which he did, turning them into an endangered species in the Delaware Valley in 2008.

In either case, the Phillies would be employing a folk hero to be on staff and in the clubhouse.  Sweeney would keep people smiling and hugged, and Stairs would keep them alarmed at how large he is, and often hammered.  In the ass.

Either, they’d keep people in a good mood, and Matt Stairs could teach Darin Ruf how to evolve from a “home run” hitter to more of a “home run” clobbering-smasher.  The potential is limitless!

Jeff Lewis-US PRESSWIRE

Everyone knows that in order to win a World Series you have to be very good.

And you also have to be very lucky.

That luck can come in many forms.  Resistance to injury, star players playing at their peak, unsung heroes providing moments of production atypical of their history, and the unknowable game of inches inching their way towards a certain team’s favor, are all components of what it means to get “lucky” in baseball.

(At least, in terms of “getting lucky” on the baseball diamond.  My expertise ends there.)

In 2008, the Phils, while they played extremely well, also got really lucky.

In 2009, they were still kinda lucky, until they ran into a Yankees team that was better and a bit luckier.

In 2010 and 2011, they were sliced and diced by the baseball angels.  And when lady luck did rear her treasonous head, the Phils looked at her and dry heaved all over themselves.

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My seats used to be in left field, where every Sunday home game we would celebrate America’s past time by hurling unfair and unprovoked insults at whomever was unfortunate enough to be slotted in the position for the opposing team.  Usually Pat Burrell got a solid dosage, too, with a few middle-aged housewives chiming in with thier undying support of his ass.

One year, the Blue Jays came to town, and their leftfielder was a stocky journeyman named Matt Stairs.  Those of us who even knew who he was were aware of exactly zero of his accomplishments.  There were no Matt Stairs headlines for us to transform into antagonistic shouts.

“Hey Matt Stairs!” the guy behind us screamed.  ”… I will Stair you down!” (more…)