I mean obviously people are lining up to talk to this guy. Steve Mitchell-USA TODAY Sports

Miami Marlins

If you’re the Marlins, what’s your biggest problem?

No money?  No fans?  No talent?  No credibility with employees, competitors, or the league?

No, the biggest threat to you is the fact that everybody just keeps finding out about these problems.  So why not do the comprehensive thing and, instead of tackling these issues with tough, analytic answers, fix all of them at once in a big, dumb, lazy plan?

On that note, the Marlins will no longer be speaking to the media.  Jeffrey Loria, who radio silenced himself in November, is now telling team president David Samson that he is not allowed to go on the radio or conduct interviews of any kind. Loria followed up the executive order by clapping his hands together, propping his feet up on his desk, and doing nothing else to solve any other problems.

Atlanta Braves

Is it this horse? Who knows!

The creeping madness of retirement has finally caught up to Chipper Jones, and he will in fact be attending the Braves’ spring training camp this year.

Jones plans to inspire young players, offer knowledgeable tutelage, and “see a man at a horse,” according to his Twitter feed, meaning he either thinks “@” means “about” or he misspelled “house” as “horse” or he plans to check out a man standing next to a horse and become awestruck at the wonder of people and horses and how many places there are on this planet to stand and how many of them are near horses or he’s going to do what the phrase “see a man about a horse” usually indicates and do something incredibly shifty and unmentionable.

Still waiting for his Braves spring training e-vite is John Rocker, who, if he is doing that, seems to think that the best way to do so is make more comments about Jews and Nazis and guns guns guns:

“Absolute certainties are a rare thing in this life, but one I think can be collectively agreed upon is the undeniable fact that the Holocaust would have never taken place had the Jewish citizenry of Hitler’s Germany had the right to bear arms and defended themselves with those arms.”

–John Rocker, aware that he must keep talking to stay alive in the media

While we’re discussing absolute certainties, John Rocker was certainly an embarrassment while he was playing baseball, and has worked hard to make sure anyone who ever employed him has deep, deep regrets about it.

Washington Nationals

Apparently, there’s some sort of question as to who the better team is as far Phillies-Nationals, and after putting the two teams next to each other, we can see that yes, each team has players at every position.  Comparing them beyond that, honestly, seems like a waste of time I SAID DON’T DO IT

“Stupid innings limit.” **kicks pebble** Anthony Gruppuso-USA TODAY Sports

Obviously, the Nationals are going to be at least 40 innings better.  They called Stephen Strasburg’s parents to let them know that they’ve upped little Stevie’s innings limit to 200 in 2013, rather than last season’s less than 160.  Mr. and Mrs. Strasburg responded by asking the Nationals not to call after 8:30 at night again because Stephen is in bed.

No word yet on how many innings the Nationals’ new closer Rafael Soriano will be limited to, but what does it fucking matter, the Nationals have all the players and money and somehow everyone on their roster is 22 years old.  So maybe it’s time to start a Take Back the Park campaign of our own, one in which we keep the Nationals’ baseball team from entering the stadium to prevent a situation where we have to play them.

Given how great the team is now, who wouldn’t rather play for the Seattle Mariners?  Michael Morse, of course.  ”That was one of the teams I was hoping for,” Morse said in response to his being traded from the widely considered best team in baseball to a team that everyone is waiting to announce is moving to Oklahoma City.

Having worked out a deal with Adam LaRoche, the Nats deemed Morse and his slugging percentage superfluous, and, refusing to trade him to somebody in-division like a bunch of babies with common sense, sent him across the country.

New York Mets

Jon Heyman is all over the Mets/Scott Hairston proceedings, and so far we can deduce that the Mets don’t want to pay Hairston much money, and that Hairston doesn’t seem to realize how little money he’s going to get.  Heyman specified in a follow up tweet that Hairston is “upbeat” pretty normally, so he could have just been thinking about a bird or something.

Meanwhile, the Mets are getting into the political game–a wise move for a franchise built on high moral standards.

"Miss you Ozzie" Steve Mitchell-US PRESSWIRE

This isn’t exactly how Ozzie Guillen and Jeffrey Loria drew up the season. The influx of free agent talent was supposed to fill in the gaps and make the Marlins a contender. With the trades of Hanley Ramirez, Omar Infante, and Anibal Sanchez, it’s safe to say the Marlins are out of it. Ramirez became an enigma, unable to replicate his success form earlier in his career. To give you an idea of just how good Hanley used to be, the Marlins of all teams locked him up for 6/$70. The shortstop turned third baseman had shown enough regression to warrant a deal, with the Dodgers picking up most of the dough. His brief stint out in LA has shown a reinvigorated Hanley at the plate (go figure). The Marlins now find themselves with an influx of young talent and salary relief, and are merely playing for pride at this point. The Phillies and Marlins have a lot in common, although I thought they’d be fighting for first not last place.

When We Last Met: The Marlins and Phillies look a lot different from when they met back at the end of June. Anibal Sanchez was still pitching, and Hanley Ramirez was patrolling third base. In case you forgot, the Phillies got swept out of the Marlins new ballpark (doesn’t it look like a set out of The Birdcage?) The Phightins couldn’t muster more than 2 runs in any of the 3 games. Not even Cole Hamels was enough to salvage a victory. The series sweep can be tossed in the growing pile of forgettable moments of 2012.

"The Park screams Miami" Steve Mitchell-US PRESSWIRE

Series Predictions: 1) Second time’s the charm, as the Phillies finally win a game in the Marlin’s new digs.

2) Cole Hamels continues to struggle against the Marlins. Maybe those ugly uniforms distract him on the mound?

3) Giancarlo Stanton goes deep twice, hitting one of Hamels that knocks one of the dancing dolphins off kilter.

Fansided Perspective: Marlin’s Maniac editor Ehsan Kassim provides the skinny on everything going down in Miami.

1) Given the expectations at the outset, what’s been the biggest disappointment this season?

The biggest disappointment has to be Hanley Ramirez. He was finally healthy and the most important part of the Miami Marlins team. I had a lot of faith in him that he would turn things around.

All along, I was one of the few Marlins fans defending not trading Hanley, he made me look like an idiot. While I still love what Hanley provided the Marlins, and I wish him the best, he was a major disappointment this season. A huge reason why the Marlins sunk so low.

2) Did the Marlins get enough back for Hanley Ramirez? Not too long ago he was a cornerstone player for the franchise.

The Marlins got all they could get back for Hanley, considering teams saw that he was no longer a superstar and now an overpaid player.

The Marlins did really well to acquire a Preseason top 100 prospect, while the Dodgers ate the entirety of Hanley’s contact.

The real test for the Marlins FO lies in where they re-allocate the rest of Hanley’s contact money.

3) What are the team’s plans for Jacob Turner? Will we see him in September?

Jacob Turner was obviously the prize in the Anibal Sanchez/Omar Infante trade. Turner is projected right now to start one of the Marlins double header games on August 22nd. That will the beginning of the Turner era in Miami.

Ozzie Guillen recently made comments that were neither outspoken nor profane.  How does he expect to be blamed for everything without any cartoonish arm-flailing?

I’ve been wholly disappointed with Ozzie Guillen this year. It’s one thing for almost every single player to fall short of expectations, but to have the manager also fail to live up to the hype? That’s just unacceptable.

Personally, I think he peaked too early. When you start the season by getting yourself suspended for professing your love for an infamous dictator, it’s hard to really go up from there. Ozzie reminds me of Mitch Hedberg’s joke about pancakes: “You can’t be like pancakes, all exciting at first, but by the end, you’re fucking sick of ‘em.”

What could serve as a beacon of hope for the Marlins at this point?  Have any other players considered changing their names?

A wise man (I don’t recall his name, but it might’ve been Tom) once told me, “Where there are fish tanks, there is hope.” So, whenever I’m watching Heath Bell give up a handful of runs, those fish tanks in the backstop kind of make me feel a little better about things.

And nobody has changed their name yet, but if we’re putting this to a vote, I say John Buck goes with John Buckseventytwo, to more accurately reflect his contributions to the team.

It’s the Braves and it’s not even a question. The Nationals are cute with their whole, “We’re totally going to shut Strasburg down even though it’s the stupidest, most illogical idea ever” thing. And the Mets are the Mets; we know how that story goes.

The Braves, though, are everything everyone hates about baseball. Just a boring team with boring fans in a boring city. I mean, seriously, if you were planning a vacation with your friends and one of them suggested Atlanta, you’d punch him right in the face.

Also, Dan Uggla is a whale’s vagina.