That Balls Outta Here » knuckleball

R.A. Dickey Comes to Terms with Mets Being Terrible

Justin Klugh — Tue, 26 Apr 2011 15:00:27 +0000

“I think we have to find some kind of way to be honest about what kind of team we are. We can’t just keep telling ourselves, ‘We’re a better team than this.’ We may not be.”

–R.A. Dickey

You can’t do that.

You can’t say your own team is really, really bad. What happened to false hope and chronic depression? Is all of this going in R.A.’s really, really well-written book? WHY ARE YOU RUINING YOUR SUCKING FOR US?! (more…)

R.A. Dickey to Soil Own Name with Tell-all Book

Justin Klugh — Mon, 21 Feb 2011 14:29:58 +0000

Whoa.

Before you even have the time to think something, the New York Times would like you to know that the Mets’ R.A. Dickey is a better writer than you.

“Dickey, 36, is far more literary than most pro athletes, and more than even most of the college-educated reporters who write about him.”

Ha, ha. ”College”? What in the hell is that? Whatever it is, it’s automatically obsolete in the face of a knuckleballer with a pen. So, if you’re thinking that R.A. Dickey is just another Major League Baseball player with a shadowy past that’s begging to be transformed into a novel, shut up. He is so literary, after one eyeballing of his words, you will be quoting Faulkner in your sleep and reciting Ulysses whenever a waiter asks you what you want to drink. (more…)

Phillies Tricked by Impossible Bullshit Pitch

Justin Klugh — Mon, 24 May 2010 06:48:45 +0000

You may not know who Lew “Hicks” Moren is, but he pitched for your Philadelphia Phillies for four seasons. And he was a key component in the hideous loss that befell us on this very day.

Lew wasn’t a terribly talented gentleman. His pitching was erratic, there was not a thing symmetrical about his teeth, his Wikipedia entry is only four lines of text, and he was such a poor athlete, he was forced to invent the knuckleball.

The knuckleball, of course, has been carried into our generation in the withered hands of Tim Wakefield, a guy who’s made a career out of bipolar baseball-throwing. For whatever reason, and I’m going to bet it was the fact that the knuckleball is an half-breed abortion of the sport, we didn’t hit him. In the past two games, we’ve been outscored 13-3. That’s terrible, everybody. Just pure shit.

And maybe if Lew Moren hadn’t been talentless enough to invent a pitch that makes no sense, putting him in a realm of history with the originators of geometric proofs and the Rockies’ mascot, we wouldn’t be in this mess.

I mean, there’s got to be a reason that he committed suicide by slitting his own throat.

"Hi there, I killed baseball."

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