Huh?  Wha…?

Apr 5, 2013; Philadelphia, PA, USA; Philadelphia Phillies catcher Erik Kratz (31) gets a high five from starting pitcher Kyle Kendrick (38) after hitting a home run during the second inning of a game against the Kansas City Royals on opening day at Citizens bank Park. Mandatory Credit: Eric Hartline-USA TODAY Sports

What happened?  It was the sixth inning of the Phillies game, they were up by two with that Ruben Amaro-approved bullpen on the way, and we were cruising to .500 like some mediocre bosses.

From what I recall, Kendrick was serviceable and the bats came to life early.  Mike Schmidt and George Brett threw out the first pitches, then yukked it up in the broadcast booth.  The weather was pristine.  Dom Brown blasted a home run and Erik Kratz followed suit.  Guys were putting good wood on the ball and built a 4-0 lead for young Kyle, very early, with the hope being that they wouldn’t somehow forget how to do everything. Even Kyle came within about a foot of a dinger.

Then, Kyle ran into trouble in the sixth, loading the bases as Mike Moustakas singled, Chris Getz doubled, and Billy Butler was intentionally walked.  Not sure what happened after that.  I’m assuming KK went into ‘KK Mode” and SHUT IT ALL DOWN.

Apr 5, 2013; Philadelphia, PA, USA; Philadelphia Phillies right fielder Domonic Brown (9) runs the bases after hitting a home run during the second inning of a game against the Kansas City Royals on opening day at Citizens bank Park. Mandatory Credit: Eric Hartline-USA TODAY Sports

But according to this newspaper fragment jammed into my mouth, the opposite happened.  Kendrick left the game and Jeremy Horst proceeded to let anyone score who wanted to – Alex Gordon knocked them all in with a dirty-ass triple.  The next inning, the Royals loaded the bases again, scored with a sac fly, then loaded them again, then Chris Getz – a guy who entered the game with one hit to his name – blasted a line drive to left that Dom Brown attempted to chase by driving his face into the ground.

This plan failed, and every Royals base runner on the planet scored.  Chad Durbin and Raul Valdes both entered the game, serving as power cells to the Royals’ run factory.  Eric Hosmer was a monster today, going 4-for-5 with 3 RBI, 2 runs scored, a walk, and a double.  Meanwhile, the Phillies were striking out, popping out, flying out, and pretty much bumbling through 1-2-3 innings as if they had just learned how offense was made that very morning.

Wade Davis was the Royals’ starter and not a particularly effective one – he lasted four innings and gave up all four of the Phillies’ runs.  But Bruce Chen came in at one point and made hamburger meat out of the heart of the Phillies’ lineup.  Bruce Chen.  

Worse than that, after they scored their four runs, they looked tired and bored and complacent, all of the things they were being by the end of the 2012 season.  After his home run, Dom Brown looked clueless defensively; Michael Young was slightly more than useless; Ben Revere had an amazing catch in center that in no way balanced out his flailing, brief plate appearances.

Their last hit came in the third inning.  Their last hit.  Until John Mayberry walked in the seventh, none of them even touched base.

The few hundred fans still here are waving white towels. It feels like it’s sarcasm. Or perhaps those are flags and not towels.

— Ryan Lawrence (@ryanlawrence21) April 5, 2013

…..

Why am I in an abandoned car yard?  Why do I taste blood?

Where’s that possum?  Looked delicious.

When it all went wrong

Well, the first bases-clearing triple was demoralizing, but the second one was back breaking.  Both were stupid.  Dom Brown… good lord.  His dive was not a good looking dive, like he was giving it his all.  Just looked like he was falling down.

Hero

Erik Kratz, I guess?  He hit a laser home run and made a nice basket catch.  Plus, the turkey bacon commercials aren’t played out yet.

Villain

On the one hand, Eric Hosmer, who squeezed all the Phillies until their spines shattered.  On the other, the Phillies bullpen was just a sopping, pulpy mess of awful poop.  Just garbage.

TBOH’s Thoughts

Learning a lot about myself today. For example, it turns out I hate baseball and it sucks. The end.

— Justin Klugh (@TBOHblog) April 5, 2013

I’m done with the Phillies! I’m rooting for… *checks status of other Philadelphia sports teams* oh god.

— Stupendous Man (@cachristy1) April 5, 2013

Anyways, I thought it would be worthwhile to ask him a few questions about the team that our hometown heroes have to face over the weekend. With this new fangled, year round inter-league play, the Phillies get to play teams like the Royals more often. I don’t know if that excites you or makes you sad. Either way we must know the enemy if we plan on defeating them and booing them properly.

How long have you been a Royals fan?

My first real memory of the royals is the dynamic outfield of Johnny Damon, Carlos Beltran, and Jermaine Dye in the late 90s when I was 9-10. I’ve been a diehard since the 03 season, our only winning year since the strike. No matter the loses, I’ll still follow them. I think it’s a personal problem.

Has it been as torturous as I imagine?

If the Phillies morphed into the royals for the next 25 years of your life, then yes. But only because you know what winning feels like. I’ve never experience a playoff game and barely a playoff race if you count 03. For me and most Royals fans, it’s more about the players than the record. How did Gordon look in left? How did Sorus look in the 9th? We develop more of a personal connection with players than anything else.

What are your hopes for the season?

I “hope” for a playoff appearance. I expect a winning record. But with the best pitcher and hitter in baseball in our division I can’t see us taking the division. I’m more excited about this season than any other in my lifetime.

When do you think those hopes will be crushed?

Memorial Day. That’s the norm.

Give us a rundown on two or three Royals that Phillies fans should know about.

Salvador Perez; carrying the hopes of all Royals fans

Salvador Perez – I truly feel he’s going to become the best catcher in baseball. A perennial gold glover and an outside chance at an MVP. He also signed the most club friendly contract in baseball ensuring he will be a Royal for the rest of the decade.

Alex Gordon- The secret is probably out on him, but he’s one of the best left fielders in the game. He’s earned back to back gold gloves after a rough start to his career. He’s really come into his own. And I love him in the leadoff role, about the only decision Ned Yost has made that I approve of.

Kelvin Herrera- Our set up guy, but I think future closer; a friggin’ hurler with the nastiest change up in baseball.

Wil Myers- The best pl…oh, wait. Nevermind.

The Royal are 1-2 and the Phillies are 1-2. Does it matter who wins this series?

Not in the least. It doesn’t matter, but I’d rather win it than not. I’m more worried about scoring more than five runs this weekend.

So there you go. Give it up for Pat, the best and only Royals fan I know. He has the the hope that I remember having in the early 2000s.  For his sake, I want the Royals to do well, just not this weekend.

Guzzle that cheap parking lot beer, take another shot at the cornhole, and pack that tube sock full of batteries, you ridiculous sterotype!  It’s the Phillies Home Opener, and it’s time to figure out just what in the hell is going on here.

What in the hell is going on?

Wha… I just told… that was just a rhetorical introductory thing.  I didn’t think you needed to learn what was actually going on… did you sleep here?  In the parking lot?  Do you… live here?  I don’t think I’m supposed to talk to you.

They’re huggers, those Royals. David Banks-USA TODAY Sports

Who are the Royals?

What is this strange place, this… **consults enormous stack of papers**… American League Centralia?  From whence do these odd men dressed in their powder blues come?!  Whose names are these; the Francoeurs, Hochevars, and Moustakas?  Should we… should we throw garbage at them?  **Reaches into hideous aluminum trash can that has been dragged into the bleachers for this purpose exactly**

No, they are not a baseball-themed street gang here to cause trouble.  According to Mike Vamosi of Kings of Kauffman, “The Royals are a baseball organization from Kansas City, Missouri and not Kansas.”  Already, the 2013 home opener has been a raucously educational event.  ”Fun fact, the team began play in 1969 and lost to the Phillies in the 1980 World Series.”

Playing the Royals on opening day is stupid. The Phillies and Royals have absolutely no history or rivalry

— FanSince09 (@FanSince09) April 5, 2013

Wow!  The World Series!  The Royals probably have a chip on their shoulder, in that case.  Even after 33 years, that’s a wound you don’t forget.  Even after many, many subsequent wounds of varying brutality.  Maybe the MLB scheduling bot isn’t so bad after all.

Also, their mascot is Lappy, the Lion Who Uses His Royal Influence to Get Lap Dances.

What are the Royals doing here?

MLB just fell in love with Interleague play some years ago, so now they are trying to overdose on it by having it every day.  It is weird to see an AL team this early, but these are the times we live in.  Crazy.

“My guess is the teams are only playing because the great schedule gods drew the names out of the hat, thus meaning they’ve got to play over the weekend,” Vamosi explains.  We praise the schedule gods for being merciful and blessing us with the Royals, when there are is many one other AL Central team that is very good and could ruin our day.

The Phillies can falter against any team who remembers their pitcher, but fortunately the Royals are of the same breed; a breed that we may actually be able to defeat.

The Philly Inquirer’s Bob Brookover was not impressed by the match-up at all, growing borderline insulted.

“I’ve only been to Philly once (it was for the Dad Veil Regatta),” says Vamosi, “and somehow this doesn’t surprise me that they’d want another opponent. I wonder how this dude’s tune would change if KC happened to win the series? Again, an article like this doesn’t surprise me because of the suck streak the Royals are on.”

Who is pitching?

Kyle Kendrick, fucking something up. Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

Kyle Kendrick, the mop-topped fellow who secures a spot on the roster every year by living in his locker during the offseason.  Kyle got here when he was young and burrowed in, knowing his average skill set would constantly be an obstacle for his using of the skill set.

The years that followed were filled with frightening rhetoric, usually aimed at Kyle, who seemed to make small amounts of progress, only to come out and get shelled in a comically absurd fashion.  Sometimes, it wasn’t even his fault.  Once, in 2011, Jason Giambi homered off of him three times in one game in a 7-1 loss.  Kendrick was dragged into Rittenhouse Square and ridiculed mercilessly, but he had only known he would be starting that game for about 20 minutes before he did (Joe Blanton got scratched due to elbow soreness).

Naturally, he will be our opening day starter.  But that’s not his fault, either.  All the other good pitchers have already had a turn.  And they doing their own bit of faltering.  Kyle, on the other hand, had an improved 2012 and could be a key player in any sort of Phillies success in 2013.

Or he could come out there today, trip, face plant, receive a disgusted head shake from Rich Dubee, and never recover.

Let it be known that I will never hate Kyle Kendrick

— Jonathan (@JNisula) April 5, 2013

See?  We’re already coming around to him.  All he has to do is be absolutely perfect and we won’t make snap judgments about how the rest of his year is going to go and how physically attractive his mother is.

On the other side for the Royals is Wade Davis, a 27-year-old right hander who is named after a Canadian anthropologist.  Davis was traded from the Rays this offseason, and hasn’t made a start since 2011.  He has already been pushed back on the schedule for shoulder problems like some sort of dorkus.

He is the second cousin of former MLB person Jody Davis, who I remember owning the baseball card of.  I believe he was in mid-jog.  I had, like, three of them.

What’s the weather like?

Sunny, with a 0% chance of precipitation.  The day will start at 61 degrees and quite pleasant, and presuming the game ends before the sun goes down, no one will be in danger of an evening chill or of all of the “Philadelphia” that happens in Philadelphia when the city is enveloped by darkness.

People to watch

“Hur hur hur dur.’ Jake Roth-USA TODAY Sports

Jeff Francoeur

As a walking crime against baseball, the Royals outfielder and former “chosen one” is probably going to do something grotesque.  It’ll be funny.

Chase Utley

He just keeps doing wonderful things, and sometimes, he’s the only one.

Kyle Kendrick

He’ll be the guy covered in garbage if he makes a single mistake.

Cliff Lee

He’ll be in the dugout.  Probably smiling and telling jokes.  Or just chilling out.  Just a fun guy to look at and remember he is on your team.

Phanatic

Ha ha ha!  Look at him!

Look at him go! Howard Smith-USA TODAY Sports

So, how’s all this gonna go?

I don’t know.  Maybe clean yourself up, stop living in a parking lot, contact whatever family you have left, get a job, stop eating cats–

No, I mean the game

The game will be fine!  People will be excited, it’s a gorgeous day, the Phillies just won once so maybe they can do it again.  It’s really you I’m worried about.

I just read the back of my tickets.I can’t bring guns into CBP? Since when?!! #Obummer #ShariaLaw

— FanSince09 (@FanSince09) April 5, 2013