Steve Mitchell-US PRESSWIRE

You’re probably one of those lunatics who thinks that just because the Miami Marlins are watching their hopes and dreams turn to ash and blow away in the wind, they’re going to default into some kind of awful hibernation full of twisted, serpentine nightmares.  And if you are, then you are one of many people who think this way.

But not Juan Pierre.

You don’t get to be Jack McKeon’s favorite son by being a thoughtless slacker with a shitty attitude.  Juan Pierre has the most steals of any active player, hit over .300 at the age of 35, and can play an entire outfield position without using his arm correctly.  Throw in that the Marlins’ new manager was backing up Ivan Rodriguez for the Fish when Pierre was the starting center fielder, and you have that current outfielder/former second platoon backstop bond that is damn near unbreakable.

Yes, there’s a lot of promise in Miami for a noodly-armed outfielder pushing 40.  He might even get to start in center.  Hell, he might even lead off.  And that’s why Juan signed a one-year contract with Miami to keep Christian Yelich’s spot warm for him while he finishes bettering himself in Double-A.

This makes the Phillies’ outfield situation a bit less complicated, because with each potential cast off, we get that much closer to giving Darin Ruf the chance he might not even really deserve in left.  And if we don’t do that, then he’ll never get that shot to become the next Ryan Howard, which, shut up, is a good thing.

So Juan Pierre’s highly productive 2012 with the Phillies was all a play to get noticed and snatched by the Marlins.  The old man pulled one over on us all.  I’d feel betrayed by this… this sorcery, but… it’s Juan Pierre.  May he travel to the next city and again be the bright spot in someone’s doomed season.

Eric Hartline-US PRESSWIRE

It was reported yesterday that Juan Pierre was considered desirable by the Baltimore Orioles for the last three weeks of the season.  By the close of business yesterday, the Phillies had walked away from the table, or the computer, or back room of a shady bar guarded by a Phanatic holding a bat with a nail in it, or wherever they sit while wordlessly sliding pieces of paper across the table to opposing GMs.

If you thought the wheeling and dealing was over because something called the “Trade Deadline” had passed, then you are sadly mistaken.  Ruben Amaro lives in a world without deadlines or rules or some of the “more bullshit” laws.  During September, teams on the fringe of the playoffs are only going to become more starved for that final piece to give them the edge, and he knows this, probably.

The issue is, people are now considering the Phillies a “playoff team.”  Of course most of those people are people whose livelihoods depend on other people who like the Phillies buying their newspapers or going to their web sites.  But tonight, the team that was once 10 games out of the Wild Card and saw Kyle Kendrick pitch five no-hit innings and has Michael Martinez on it will be playing to break even and  make what is starting to be universally accepted as a “playoff run.”

So maybe we need Juan Pierre more than the Orioles?  No.  But we apparently need him more than whatever we’d get from the O’s.

As Michael Baumann pointed out when this story was still considered “news,” the Orioles offer must have been ludicrously low for Amaro to walk away.  Or his value of Juan Pierre is ludicrously high.  Something, in this situation, is ludicrous.  It’s up to us to figure out what [EDITOR'S NOTE: No it is not].

The Orioles are trying to fill a Nick Markakis-hole in their outfield, and love Juan Pierre for it in the same way that the Reds went gaga for his veteran leadership earlier this year.  The Phillies have a wealth of outfielders just waiting for a chance in Dom Brown, Darin Ruf, Nate Schierholtz, Laynce Nix, and a hot dog somebody dropped from section 144, and all of them have a better arm than Pierre.

Back in the spring, Pierre was deadlocked in vicious contention with Scott Podsednik, the guy everybody favored to make the team.  ”Scotty-Pod,” we’d call him.  His fan group would be guys dressed up as beans.  Or whales.  Or soulless, alien clones of themselves called the “Pod People.”

We were all excited about it; selling out Podsednik jerseys, finding eight feet of green material to make a bean costume that can fit our awkward figures, wishing we had last names that sounded like three random syllables crammed together.  But in the end, it was Pierre who the Phillies believed would have the best affect, and Scotty-Pod wound up in Boston to round out his legacy.

To Pierre’s credit, the guy has put together a season that makes the deal he signed with the Phillies beneficial for the team.  But he’s not going to get a one-day contract to retire with the Phillies, so if they can steal a low-level prospect or even just get somebody from the Orioles to come pick up that hot dog in exchange for Pierre than maybe they should think about that.

But they have not.  And now that we’re doing what we’re doing, Ruben thinks that at the moment, keeping Juan Pierre is the best move for this team.  So let’s stop talking about this so loudly before somebody gets a Phanatic nail-bat to the head.

Just thinkin'. Steve Mitchell-US PRESSWIRE

The man just won his 700th game as Phillies manager, and has been rewarded with this Sam Donnellon article that insinuates Bobby Valentine could have his job in a few months’ time.

While some may use this as an opportunity to reflect or sob wistfully over the past, others have been focused more on the future lately.  Charlie Manuel is one of these people.  He has to be.  If he focused on the present he may be so emotionally crippled he wouldn’t be able to get out of bed in the morning.

So, talk of his firing has quieted for now, not because the vocal, slovenly masses are back on his side, but because they’ve worn themselves out from all the distressed, misinformed phone calls and are currently taking a nap to recharge.

Charlie Manuel would be a shake-up, sure; but can you imagine if the Phillies started playing better?  If the bullpen wasn’t in cahoots with the Delaware Valley Remote Control industry, and stopped giving us perfectly sound reasons to hurl our controllers into the drywall, then head on down to DWRC Emporium to get hornswaggled on buying the new model.

“What the hell is this?” our wives ask.  ”You were supposed to pick up a cantalope, and you come back with a universal remote that requires you to take a six-week night class and has a radiation poisoning stick on the back?”

“Cantalopes suck,” we explain before flopping onto the couch and reaching into the cushions for that delicious couch-wine we keep in there.

Regardless, Charlie is thinking ahead, and no one gets him considering future times than a 35-year-old outfielder with no capacity for throwing.

Charlie recently said he’d love to have Pierre back for next season–as far as I know, the only admission for any particular player.  Not that they all require public notification, but Charlie loves Juan’s hustle, and despite all of our natural hesitance toward approving him, Pierre has proven useful during times that the Phillies weren’t just getting ruined in public.

But what about Pierre’s age?  Isn’t that an issue?

“The older he gets, the more his age gets.”

–Charlie Manuel

Oh, yeah.  You’re right.  It isn’t.

Makes sense. Steve Mitchell-US PRESSWIRE