That Balls Outta Here » jokes

Phillies Game to Still be Played Despite Earthquake Jokes

Justin Klugh — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 20:19:21 +0000

After several hours of deliberation, the Phillies decided that tonight’s game against the New York Mets will be played, even though it comes within the same day as a 5.8 earthquake and the satirical observations of those who experienced it.

Following several seconds of playful jostling, crowds of traumatized victims flocked to their nearest smart phone to try find solace in the tweets of strangers. Mass hysteria had already taken control, but the humorous, sarcastic messages that resulted from the quake’s victims brought smiles to the faces of those who moments before had suffered through the worst earthquake of their lives.

According to Twitter sources, to blame for the quake are mostly fat people, followed by ‘epic farts’ and ‘Mother Nature’s vibrator.’ (more…)

Top 5 Victims of 2010 Phillies Baseball

Justin Klugh — Mon, 04 Oct 2010 18:29:54 +0000

When I was 14, I was riding my bike home when I came across a cat struggling for life in the weeds. He looked healthy enough that he could have carried on for decades had his torso not been pulverized by a mail truck, or whatever unfortunate vehicular carnage had occurred moments before. He must have been fully prepared for existence, in great shape, seemingly primed for whatever life could stack against him. Sure, there would be harsh times, but he’d pull through, because he was strong and fresh and willing to fight. Instead, he would now spend the next few days meandering half-dead through the vegetation until the last of his guts fell out.

God my fantasy football team blows.

To distract myself from the “pulverized stray cat torso” that is my weekly fantasy affair, I’m going to peak back at the Phillies glorious season, and just whose skulls they stomped on to get where they are now.

Like Gandhi once said, “Sadism is A-OK, because it makes you feel better. Now who wants to finish off this British soldier with my staff.”

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Competent Phillies Ruin So Many Jokes About Incompetence

Justin Klugh — Sat, 18 Sep 2010 07:48:00 +0000

All right, I jerked off Roy Oswalt just plenty earlier today, so there’s no reason to sit here and rehash that shameful display. You know the score. And I want to get back to terrorizing the Liberty City Police Department.

ITS JUST A VIDEO GAME, MOM.

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