Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

UPDATE, 12:48 PM: The Yankees, clearly drunk, have called in Al Roker to handle third base.

We were there for #stayberry, #yayberry, #regressionberry, and #shitberry.  The guy is not a center fielder (but he was) and far from a consistent power hitter (but he did).  Now he’s a card-carrying member of the Phillies outfield cluster fuck, and if he’s received Charlie Manuel’s blessing, then he is here to stay.

Unless, of course, somebody came knocking, looking to steal him away.  With a surplus of equally mediocre-and-below options, somebody calling for ‘ol #stinkberry would be an anomaly, the only issue with which would be the assumption that it was all some kind of sick joke.  There’s got to be a hundred Mayberrys out there.

But, the Yankees, who are so comically full of wholes at the moment, you kind of wish that the rest of the league gets together and refuses to trade with them so they have to roll that mess into season missing most of their wheels, have apparently given  some interest.  That will never happen, and it’s far more likely that Ruben will explode trying to concoct some kind of masterful deal that will only cost him John Mayberry.

At 29 years old, Mayberry has to do something or be cast out, and though this is a new league, a .225/.279/.350 spring might not be worth whatever the Yankees have in mind.  If they have anything in mind and their interest in Mayberry was more than like a drunk dial.  Which maybe it was.

Of course, the Yankees are swinging wild at the moment for a variety of positions, including third base, where interest has been shown in not only Chase Headley, but…

Cashman stressed he was serious about his interest in Chipper Jones. Said he had plans to call Chipper’s agent.

— Jack Curry (@JackCurryYES) March 11, 2013

The Phillies are widely panned by critics and fans alike as a clueless enterprise, bumbling through the offseason making questionable acquisitions and mishandling players.  However, Mayberry is reportedly “excited” about the season and refers to his co-workers as “a great group of guys.”

No response was given to the rebuttal that some of those guys are the lumbering, ineffectual Layne Nix or the frantically immobile, historically bigoted Delmon Young. With subsequent comments, it was revealed that Mayberry is possibly unaware of which baseball players are even on the Phillies.

“I also think that mermaids real, to call back on a previous joke related to me,” Mayberry said. Howard Smith-USA TODAY Sports

“Jon Jay is a great guy,” Mayberry said, presumably as concerned team representatives looked on behind him.  The report also indicated that Mayberry is “excited” to see “how new teammates like Michael Young and Revere help get the Phillies back on track.”

Revere and Young were necessary additions to the roster, Revere moreso due to his youth and speed, but Young is seen as a stopgap in place to keep third base from being a gaping hole in the infield, which it pretty much still is.  Yet no one is truly “excited” to see what Young is capable of as an ill-advised “every day third baseman.”

“Excited?  Naw,” said Northern Liberties business owner Kyle Carson.  ”Morbidly curious, sure.  Like when you’re looking out your window at night, and some one-legged homeless guy in a wheel chair is pushing himself down the middle of Broad Street, and you see the light at the intersection behind him turn green, and you’re just like, ‘Oh, boy. How is this gonna work out.’  It’s pretty much like that.”

Mayberry, it seems, does not see it that way.

“Sometimes being in new surroundings can be a spark for a player or a team. I’m looking forward to working with those guys and winning some ballgames,” the outfielder foolishly admitted.

This statement may be the closest thing to an explanation fans have received about the Phillies’ acquisitions, as the team seems to have put a lot of their eggs in the “new surroundings sparking a player or team” basket.

“NO JOHN DON’T LAPSE INTO A MADNESS COMA.” Steve Mitchell-US PRESSWIRE

We have reached the point of the year when the Phillies’ lead protagonist stops being the players on the lineup card and becomes one solitary figure, donned in a slick suit and constantly holding up a finger to answer his buzzing phone.

In the midst of a lawsuit, Ruben Amaro flew to Peoria, AZ to watch his prospects shine in a 10-7 win; and then, as Jim Salisbury described, cooed openly at a text message.

Nobody gets into Amaro’s inner sanctum this time of year, or in other times of the year, but of course, this is when the most mystery exists about his plans.  As the central figure in every narrative, we can’t help but pound his door, demanding answers… knowing the best we can hope for is a patronizing smirk in response.

But one thing we are all very aware of is our holes, one of which being in center field, where John Mayberry I believe was left to fend for himself this winter, wandering about the outfield’s fresh snow, clutching himself for warmth, and burning his glove in order to adequately cook the pigeon he hunted down and snared.

Fortunately, Amaro was able to–boarding and deplaning a mid-flight conference call–let out a brief breath of clarity for the peons.

“Ideally, Amaro this offseason would like to add a centerfielder who can drive in runs and play good defense…”

–Jim Salisbury

“It’s one of our priorities.”

–Ruben Amaro

There are also things like offensively capable third basemen and late inning relievers to consider, but why waste time considering those when the outfield free agent class is so robust with high profile talent!  Josh Hamilton!  Michael Bourn!  B.J. Upton!  Angel Pagan!  These are all guys with known risks in signing to long, foolish contracts, and the endless scroll of a deal Amaro must be itching to give out wouldn’t be the wisest move.

But here I am, talking like some sort of analyst, using players’ names, and knowing who the GM is!  Like I said, the important thing is that Amaro plans to hire a center fielder.  Would have been pretty embarrassing to just a half-starved John Mayberry out there, sick with Pigeon Cough, and cackling at a fly ball and trying to “stomp the devils out of it,” his mind long ravaged by isolation and pigeon meat.