Steve Henderson thinks the Phillies lineup still has a lot of potency, which gives him a better attitude than most of the people reading and/or writing this sentence.  Most would look at the terrible run production of the 2012 Phillies and think, “Ah, shit.  That’s terrible.”  And they would be right.

Last night, the Cardinals pecked the Giants to death 8-3 in the game three of the NLCS.  Eight runs is about twice the league’s regular season average, so we have to ask?  What are the Cardinals doing so, so right?

• Hitting the ball
• Hitting the ball, again
• Hitting the ball when other hitters have just hit the ball and can score
• Hitting the ball during several different innings of the game, so that the “offense” is not limited to a single, desperate, all-or-nothing gasp
• Hitting the ball so much that whatever scrappy underdoggedness the Giants could scrape together from a Hunter Pence speech was dissolved
• No Michael Martinez
• Continuing to score even after just enough runs had been scored to win the game

They’re notes worth examining, as the Phillies’ official web site recently released a story on how the Phillies will be trying to kill the Cardinals and take their place.  As far as examples go, the Cards are solid, and with a new hitting coach in place who claims to “…understand on base percentage,” yet also wants to be “aggressive” at the plate, the recipe is there for an offensive revolution in Philadelphia.

One key adjustment will be not letting B.J. Rosenberg record a fifth career at-bat. Howard Smith-US PRESSWIRE

Of course, a hitting coach’s influence on a lineup of cold veterans could be limited, depending on what mood Jimmy Rollins is in when he gets to Clearwater.  But if Henderson is watching this NLCS in a large, regal easy chair next to a roaring fireplace while jotting down notes like in my head, he could change the climate.  Did I say he would need a weapon of some kind?  Not to like, point at the players, but just reference time and time again that he had in his locker or nod menacingly toward.

Ha ha ha, of course I am kidding.  How would physically threatening the players get them to do better?  If they can hear any of the things I scream at the TV [EDITOR'S NOTE: And I know they can] then we can guarantee that strategy does not work.  I’m not insane.

Henderson is a man whose spent years riding the rails between locales of the Phillies farm system, always winding up where he was needed most. A struggling offense; a slugger trapped in his own head; a shipment of bats stuck in customs; Henderson was there to give a gruff stare and keen advice.  With Wally Joyner at his side, will there be anything he can’t do?

Yes.  He can’t literally hit for the team.  He can only explain his strategies and give them suggestions, and it will be up to them to decide whether or not their league average run production is good enough for them.

“IT ISN’T,” says me from a table at a bar to the TV in the future.

HERE COMES ANOTHER SWEET EMBRAAAACCCE Peter G. Aiken-US PRESSWIRE

Candidates for coaching job are Mike Sweeney and Matt Stairs; not anti-abstinence crime fighting duo

Pete MacKanin was recently fired by the Phillies, leaving a vacancy in their ‘bench coach’ position.  What the bench coach’s job entails is taking over if the manager is thrown out of the game, holding a clipboard, suggesting ideas that are ultimately discarded, and organizing the preseason workout schedules in a way that doesn’t kill the players.

The Phillies decided that the position was not valuable to keep on, and have eliminated it entirely, thus destroying Pete Mackanin’s legacy and dooming it to be forgotten forever.  In its place on the payroll will be an assistant hitting coach, to accompany new hitting coach Steve Henderson and provide valuable insight on the mashery of taters.

“It’s something that’s worked for some other clubs.  We’ve researched it quite a bit, so we’re going to go with a two-man crew in that regard.”

–Ruben Amaro

But the selection process will also indicate just what the Phillies expect from their offense.  Henderson will be there to offer the fundamentals, while the assistant will wind up being more of a definition of their team-specific philosophy.  What philosophy is that?

It depends on which of their first two candidates they pursue.  First is Mike “Captain Hugs” Sweeney, who we all remember from being beloved as a Phillie for a brief time in 2010 and in the process locking Dom Brown in a passionate embrace.  Next would be Matt “Ass Hammer” Stairs, whose job was to obliterate baseballs, which he did, turning them into an endangered species in the Delaware Valley in 2008.

In either case, the Phillies would be employing a folk hero to be on staff and in the clubhouse.  Sweeney would keep people smiling and hugged, and Stairs would keep them alarmed at how large he is, and often hammered.  In the ass.

Either, they’d keep people in a good mood, and Matt Stairs could teach Darin Ruf how to evolve from a “home run” hitter to more of a “home run” clobbering-smasher.  The potential is limitless!