EXTRA! EXTRA! MILE-HIGH SCANDAL! Why must the Rockies put our nation’s children in the horrible path of Jason Biggs’ twisted Twitter account by holding a Nickelodeon Day on September 23?! I don’t fully understand this scandal, but you better believe I am outraged by it!

Doesn’t it seem weird that a Major League Baseball team would have a Nickelodeon Day anyway? At this point, the Rockies are desperate to give a reason for the fans to come out to the ballpark, so they certainly aren’t going to cancel the only compelling reason for a kid to come to the ballpark this late in the season.

Both these teams will at best serve as spoilers in the final month of the season. What possible good can come from turning two spoilers on each other at this point, especially with both playing reasonably sort of okay as of late?

It would seem that the schedule makers would have been better served to have non-contending teams only playing fellow non-contenders. However, life doesn’t seem fair, as Rockies and Phillies fans have seen in a terrible 2012. Unfortunately for the fans, they will be paying Major League prices for Minor League games. Maybe next year.

Unlike the Rockies, four of the Rockies Minor League affiliates have made their respective playoffs. What are their undeveloped younglings doing that their MLB-quality players are not? Also–is having Jason Giambi and Troy Tulowitzki “rehab” with the Tulsa Drillers during their post season run some sort of moral gray area?

The good news for the Rockies is that their minor leaguers have had some great seasons. Fans are hoping that it is a sign that the wave of bad drafts and failed prospects is coming to an end and that the franchise will once again reap the benefits of seeing young player after young player come up and make an impact at the big league level.

The Rockies are clearly taking advantage of the system, making sure their minor league teams find their way to the postseason to gain some valuable late-season experience. In fact, the rules are so loose that the Drillers will have Troy Tulowitzki at shortstop in their playoff games as he continues his rehab.

Speaking of Jason Giambi, how does Jason Giambi fit into the Rockies future plans? What are the Rockies future plans? How much longer is Jason Giambi’s future? Do his old bones creak out sage wisdom for a young team learning on the fly?

The Rockies defy conventional logic in many of the things that they do. Jason Giambi isn’t at the top of the list, although he is close. Giambi wasn’t a fit in 2011, let alone 2012. He was sold as a great guy for the clubhouse, but the problem is, if the talent isn’t good enough to win, the attitude in the clubhouse really doesn’t matter.

Giambi would be a good fit for an American League team. He simply doesn’t fit in on a National League team. He is terrible at first base and at this point in his career he isn’t going to get better. I believe that he has helped some of the young players with their approach at the plate, but was it worth a valuable spot on the 25-man roster?

As far as the future, I don’t see this being his swan song. He can still be a valuable bat. He never gives away at-bats and has as good of an eye as anybody in the game. Rockies fans love him, but most of them hope to cheer for him from afar in 2013.

Astros GM Jeff Luhnow recently sent out a letter to season ticket holders, admitting to a highly frustrating season, providing reasons, and explaining plans for the future to make Houston a winning franchise. Will the Rockies fans receive a similar letter? Do you want one? Will it arrive via elegant letterhead or pissed in the snow outside Coors Field?

The Rockies have already started their apology tour.

Dick Monfort has sent out two emails to season ticket holders, as well as holding a season ticket holder conference call where questions could be asked directly to Monfort and general manager Dan O’Dowd. I believe that they know that the situation is dire, but I don’t think they realize how many fans are extremely upset about the way this season has gone.

This team wasn’t expected to compete for the World Series, but they were expected to be closer to a contender than battling for the second pick in next year’s draft. The Rockies pair-pitching theory has gone over like a lead balloon with fans. It seems like an excuse from a front office that has never been very good at proving that they were all that committed to winning.

Last night, Mike Minor was no-hitting the Rockies through seven until Jordan Pachecho–he of the 14 game hitting streak–snapped it in half. What sort of affect would a no-hitter have had on a struggling Colorado lineup? A dagger in their hearts? Or a cold slap on a numb surface?

I would have to say that it would hit more like a cold slap to a numb surface. The Rockies are done. They know it and while they have been playing better, the guys playing are looking for a job next year. Getting no-hit this year would almost be more fitting than anything. Almost everything else that could go wrong has gone wrong, so it would make sense that a no-hitter would be thrown into the mix.

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Look, are you gonna read it or not?

Mike Fiers is making a name for himself with his sporadic fastball and his whoa-now over the top delivery.  Would you say that he is someone to Fier?  I am not positive on how his name is pronounced.  I assume it sounds like “fear.”

It’s pronounced like “fires” so, no, I would hope that Mike Fiers doesn’t get fired anytime soon,. I don’t know if he is really a thing or if he is just a thing that is just a thing right now, but I am excited to see what happens. Anytime your team starts a 27 year old guy with a shaved head and facial hair you have to root for that guy. You should almost be afraid not to.

Front Row Andy once said, “Classy bitches don’t show nip.”  How does this philosophy reflect his Brewers fandom?  And why won’t classy bitches show nip?  Do they even consider it?

Well, I must not be a classy bitch then because at Miller Park Drunk’s Pants Party 2 I was showing nip like it was my business. SO WHAT’S UP NOW FRONT ROW ANDY?

Better question: why are you quoting Front Row Andy? Why is he a thing? Front Row Amy shouldn’t even be a thing and now her parody is a thing too? I don’t get it. Here’s a tip for young bloggers looking to get ahead in the industry: Instead of starting a blog and writing really awesome posts just buy Front Row Amy’s tickets and dress in a funny costume. Then start a twitter account. You’ll get quoted on Phillies blogs, it’ll be cool.

Front Row Amy once said, “U can’t love baseball more than me  .”  Why can’t I?  What’s wrong with me?  I thought I loved baseball a lot

This is really a much bigger question than I am prepared to answer. Why can’t we love a sport or a baseball team more than a 40-ish woman with fake breasts? is a question that has pondered man from day one. I’m sure that you really want to love baseball more than someone who is internet famous for absolutely no reason, but you can’t. Why? Because society won’t let you. Society says that you have to be attracted to boobs even if said boobs belong to someone old enough to be your mother (or at least your mom’s younger sister) and aren’t even real. This isn’t your fault, it is a societal issue. If I were you I’d put the whole system on trial.

Additional thought: What kind of creep tweets “I love baseball only slightly more than you” to someone he saw sitting in the front row of a baseball game? I bet he has a Front Row Amy pic as his wallpaper. I bet he has crudely photoshopped Amy’s head onto a photo of a topless model in order to pleasure himself.

Is there a mysterious FM radio transmitter hidden somewhere in Miller Park?  Does is broadcast some sort of haunting, Brewers baseball-equivalent to the Torre Bert Recordings? 

Yes and it is the voice of former Brewers pitcher Ruben Quevedo trying to order a brat from the pitcher’s mound. His order, much like his pitching, is always unsuccessful.

Has any person ever had the chance to “Ride the Slide” with Bernie Brewer?  Can you imagine if a real person who looked like him asked someone to “ride the slide” with him?

Strangely I’ve been asked this question a couple of times lately and I honestly have no idea. That slide really looks dangerous when you take a closer look at it. I think if you didn’t know what you were doing you could definitely fly off and fall dead into the stands so if you were to go down it you’d definitely need to ride on Bernie’s lap. Which opens up an entire box of issues that the Brewers probably want to steer clear from. I’m going to guess no on the “Ride the Slide” opportunity. There’s a reason TC Bear is only allowed in the chalet after all.

And a real person who looked like Bernie Brewer asking kids to ride the slide with him would basically be Jerry Sandusky with a yellow mustache, right?

Name the three most exciting young names the Brewers are expecting to see called up as this awful, awful year comes to a monotonous close? 

Well, the important one is already here and that’s Jean Segura. Who is basically Barry Larkin for a new generation without the stench of Marge Schott’s dogs on him. He’s going to be really awesome and the Angels are so dumb for giving him to us for three months of not awesome Zack Greinke. I am positively giddy about Jean Segura.

My other two favorite Brewer prospect are two guys that I don’t know if we’ll see in September or not, but certainly would like to. They are Caleb Gindl and Scooter Gennett.

Caleb is like 5’9″ 200 pounds so it’s hard not to get behind him. I’m pretty sure 5’9″ 200 pounds is the very definition of a Wisconsin male (I’m being generous) and his ability to hit while looking just like a more muscular version of us should make him a fan favorite right away. I don’t think he’s quite ready as he’s struggled in AAA this season, but his .897 OPS in July is something to think about.

Scooter Gennett is another guy that doesn’t really have the size that you expect out of a major leaguer, but he just hits so well it doesn’t matter. Scooter is a 5’9″ 165 pound second baseman who has made the All-Star team at every level. He’s probably a 2B or bust and the existence of Rickie Weeks makes his future in Milwaukee a bit cloudy, but I’m still excited to see what he can become. I mean, how can you not like a baseball player named Scooter? I can hear Joe Buck describing him as a “real” ballplayer already.

Ozzie Guillen recently made comments that were neither outspoken nor profane.  How does he expect to be blamed for everything without any cartoonish arm-flailing?

I’ve been wholly disappointed with Ozzie Guillen this year. It’s one thing for almost every single player to fall short of expectations, but to have the manager also fail to live up to the hype? That’s just unacceptable.

Personally, I think he peaked too early. When you start the season by getting yourself suspended for professing your love for an infamous dictator, it’s hard to really go up from there. Ozzie reminds me of Mitch Hedberg’s joke about pancakes: “You can’t be like pancakes, all exciting at first, but by the end, you’re fucking sick of ‘em.”

What could serve as a beacon of hope for the Marlins at this point?  Have any other players considered changing their names?

A wise man (I don’t recall his name, but it might’ve been Tom) once told me, “Where there are fish tanks, there is hope.” So, whenever I’m watching Heath Bell give up a handful of runs, those fish tanks in the backstop kind of make me feel a little better about things.

And nobody has changed their name yet, but if we’re putting this to a vote, I say John Buck goes with John Buckseventytwo, to more accurately reflect his contributions to the team.

It’s the Braves and it’s not even a question. The Nationals are cute with their whole, “We’re totally going to shut Strasburg down even though it’s the stupidest, most illogical idea ever” thing. And the Mets are the Mets; we know how that story goes.

The Braves, though, are everything everyone hates about baseball. Just a boring team with boring fans in a boring city. I mean, seriously, if you were planning a vacation with your friends and one of them suggested Atlanta, you’d punch him right in the face.

Also, Dan Uggla is a whale’s vagina.