Focus, instead, on the Double-A All-Star Game of the Eastern League, the one that occurred in Reading and featured a whole bunch of crazy crap that everybody got really excited about.  Even Deadspin got in on the action, and they only show up for the coolest and classiest of events.

PICTURED: Class Eric Hartline-US PRESSWIRE

Tyler Jett of Philly.com kind of summed things up so nicely that nobody else should even try.

A stand-up double, a hot-dog-flinging man riding a fake ostrich, T-shirt guns, T-shirt slingshots, men in American-flag body suits sweeping the dirt, two singles, inflatable mascots boogying in front of the home dugout, two girls in fairy costumes cleaning home plate with a cartoonishly large toothbrush, a fan in a sumo suit jumping off a trampoline onto another fan in a sumo suit, pregame fireworks, postgame fireworks. Oh, and a walk-off win.

–Tyler Jett, Philly.com

And thus was mindset of the contest; baseball becoming a veritable afterthought to the utter madness.  Which is fine, when you consider the madness which baseball has inspired this year.

Sebastian Valle, Darin Ruf, Cesar Hernandez, and Leandro Castro were our starting heroes for the game, which was managed on our side by R-Phils skipper Dusty Wathan.  Valle enjoyed a walk and had his extra base hit murdered right in front of him when a Nationals prospect named Chris Rahl made a “great” catch.

R-Phils reliever Jordan Whatcott entered the game in the top of the ninth, his thoughts humming with electric vengeance.  11 pitches later, he came out of two-thirds of the inning unscathed, having induced a ground out after K’ing Rahl, vaporizing any hope that the smarmy future-Nat had about immortalizing himself in All-Star lore.  He went home a nobody.

Ruf–this generation’s Matt Rizzotti–and the gang ran the table in the third, with a single by Hernandez, power driver via Ruf, and a base-getter by Castro, with Castro being the sole Phil who didn’t also score.

But the real hero was Troy Hanzawa, who came to the plate in the bottom of the ninth, tasked with keeping the two-out inning alive, along with the hopes that this All-Star Game wouldn’t end in a tie and rob every player in attendance of their dignity.

One by one, he grazed each pitch from Hector Nelo–a Nationals prospect, already teeming with the despicable weasliness we’ve come to expect from the organization–until finally, lowering the pitcher’s confidence enough for him to allow a rather incompetent walk.

Hanzawa then watched as a Yankees prospect behind him singled, and finally Eric Campbell of the Binghamton Mets zinged another single past Buck Britton at third–brother of Zach Britton–for Hanzawa to score the winning run, thus maintaining the pride and sanctity of the game, despite the Nationals’ prospect’s best efforts to make everybody go home as disgusted with themselves as he probably is (Eastern League ASGs will end in a tie if necessary).

And so, we learn a valuable lesson from the Eastern League:  Scoring runs late in the game can sometimes lead to victories.  It’s a lesson the real Phillies may learn as they head into what will be a flaccid second half.  But mostly, we can take pride knowing that somewhere in our organization, some Phillies are playing inspired baseball.

No, not alcohol!  Put it down!  Stop assuming that’s what I mean!

No, no, no… not your family.  They left you weeks ago.

I mean literally elsewhere, as in, geographically.  And why not, when a somewhat fulfilling outlet lies right in our own farm system?  I’m talking, of course, about Reading, Pennsylvania, where our Double-A affiliate is gearing up to host the Eastern League All-Star Game.

Baseballtown is hosting a myriad of events showcasing the talents of the future, in an attempt to instill hope in a dying fanbase.  This is not the only recent case of the franchise pointing at it’s farm system lately and going “Ehhh?  Ehhhhhhhh?”

The fun begins July 10 at 7:00 pm, when the Reading Phillies invite you to strut on down to the Home Run Derby and Autograph Session.  The even released a video in which their GM explains exactly what’s going on, instead of having house burned down for asking too many questions like some general managers I know.  

The R-Phils are throwing a party on the infield of FirstEnergy Stadium, during the Home Run Derby. Using a set of revolutionary “Large nets,” partiers will remain mostly unscathed by batted balls as they fill up on precious alcohol and disturb strangers by telling them how they could have been a minor All-Star too, if they wanted to.

If you have money, an All-Star Gala is being held later that day at Building 24, The Works at Wyomissing.  It costs $75 to get into a party where there will be an open bar and probably some other features that won’t matter after your sixth trip to the open bar and ninth 20-minute tirade about watching Travis Lee play first base.

On July 11 at the Crowne Plaza Reading Hotel, there will be a luncheon starring Vance Worley.  Fans will be seated with EL All-Stars themselves, giving them the chance to pepper them with questions or force them to sign shit in case they become famous, and they can’t so “no thanks,” because then we will label them jerks and their careers will be ruined.  The whole thing culminates with Vance’s four hour power point presentation on the trauma that can come from goggle-related bullying in our nation’s youth.  It’ll be a fun day for all!

Then, later that day, the All-Star Game itself will take place, and if you haven’t been asked to leave Reading yet, now’s your chance to check out what everyone’s been murmuring about.  No, not your behavior at the luncheon that had Vance Worley calling for security in the middle of his “Why Rec Specs are cooler than normal glasses” slide.

The game!  There will be young talent!  There will be a pregame concert!  There will be post game fireworks!  And most importantly, there will be a happy hour, in which beer will be a dollar off!  And this is minor league beer we’re talking about!  It’s not even filtered through a standard of gouging you financially!

So, if the Phillies got you down, which they do, don’t lie to yourself, maybe truck out into the burbs for a lookee-loo at tomorrow.  You won’t regret it.  Though everyone else might.

Though I can’t really think of a better word.  Anyway, that team, as I’m sure you guessed by now, is the New Britain Rock Cats.

The Reading Phillies don’t need a prestigious award to be made aware of their grandeur.  No, they’re far more happy to win the popularity contest.  And the first step toward doing so is being nominated for the Larry MacPhail Promotional Award for Innovation of Ballpark-Related Insanity. (more…)