It’s just… boy.  A sweep really would have been nice.

Yeah, we get it. Gary A. Vasquez-US PRESSWIRE

Cliff Lee and Clayton Kershaw faced off very respectfully for a pitchers’ duel that was going pretty well until John Mayberry flailed his glove at what looked like a catchable home run ball, had he jumped and used any of his, like, eight foot frame to stop it.  But hey, whatever.  I’m sure as Cliff watched that ball shat over the fence he didn’t feel any sort of sharp, growing pain in his head.

“Not once this year have I said anything about being frustrated.  I can only control what I can control, and that’s to make pitches, get as deep into the game as I can and try to give the team a chance to win. I would have loved to win this game, but it’s over now and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

–Cliff Lee

Ha ha, see, he’s fine!  Nobody has any regrets about anything at all, ever.  So shut the hell up, please.

If that's not the look of a confident man, then my dad wasn't confident all those times. Chris Humphreys-US PRESSWIRE

At 1-0 it stayed for a while, until the fourth, when Shane singled and stole second, and Chooch of all Chooches stepped in and methodically brought him home, as if he was the only one who could have.  Shane didn’t even bother to slide, and in fact sort of danced out of the way of A.J. Ellis’ tag in a way that the announcers were charitable enough to say was on purpose and totally strategic.

And then, for a long time, nothing happened.  Regulation came and went, and the next thing we knew, it was the top of the 10th, and Hunter Pence was saving everyone again with a bases loaded single that scored Jimmy and Chase.  With Papelbon on his way, the sweep seemed more in hand than ever.

Which, of course, meant that Paps would implode and the Dodgers would score twice to tie the game, and force us to sit through an infuriating 11th inning, an even more infuriating top of the 12th inning, and a bottom of the 12th inning in which Matt Kemp came up and bashed a two-run walkoff dinger right through Jake Diekman’s feelings.

When It All Went Wrong

I’m gonna say in the 12th when Shane led off with a single and then Shane stole second base and then Chase was intentionally walked and there were two runners on with our best hitter up and no outs and yet still there was a “0″ to hang on the wall come inning’s end.

Most Attractive Play

J-Roll’s soft hands and hot chuck to get the out on a variety of occasions during extra innings.  Everybody seemed to have “stopping the other team from scoring” down pretty well.  ”Allowing ourselves to score” was sadly, thanks to a clerical error, left out of the Phillies 2012 Handbook.

Hero

Hunter Pence with the repetitively heroic bases loaded single to nab a two-run lead in the tenth.  Chooch didn’t even get thrown out at third this time!  Fortunately, Juan Pierre grounded into a double play immediately and saved the concise nature of the comeback.

Villain

Yeah, we get it, you’re an elite talent, Matt Kemp.  What a cliche it is to see the best player on the team hit the walkoff.  The real story would have been Luis Cruz or somebody getting the game-winner.  Instead, we get exactly what everyone knew would happen.  Ooooh, Jake Diekman vs. Matt Kemp in the bottom of the 12th!  Gosh, I wonder which one of them will hit a walkoff home run to avoid the sweep.

YAWN.

HEY MY NAME’S HOME PLATE UMPIRE WALLY BELL AND I HAVE A TURNIP INSTEAD OF A BRAIN.  WHAT’S THAT YA SAY? A GAME ON THE LINE?  A CLOSE PLAY AT THE PLATE?  WELL WADDYA SAY I USE THIS TURNIP-MIND OF MINE TO MAKE THE CALL.  OBVIOUSLY A TIE GOES TO THE THROWER SO WHY DON’T WE GO AHEAD AND CALL THIS ONE AN OUT, HMM? SOUND GOOD?  HAHA JK IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK BECAUSE I AM THE UMPIRE.  LA DEE DAH DE DAH.  BOY I’M HUNGRY THINK I’LL TAKE A BITE OF THIS TURNIP.  OH GOD MY BRAINS.  THEY’RE SCRUMPTIOUS.

It seemed like Hunter has used his clutch moment for the month.

After that, it took a freakishly unlikely turn of events to score the two runs necessary to win.  First, the Phillies loaded the bases in the eighth, which isn’t too uncommon, but with two outs and Chooch unavailable to hit on account of being on first base, it didn’t seem like there was anybody who could knock those runs in.

So Hunter stepped in.

He took a high fastball.  ”Pence’d” at the next one.

And then plucked a grounder up the middle that plated Chase Utley and John Mayberry and gave the Phillies the lead after the seventh inning for the first time in 2012, after failing to do so 39 times before.

It was weird.

Also Roy Halladay came back, I guess.

He pitched five innings with two earned runs, five hits, and six K’s.  The two Dodger runs were a result of four consecutive hits he allowed in the second.  When he departed, everyone realized the bullpen would have to deal for the next four innings and I can’t believe even the bullpen was excited about that.

But the classic Schwimer-Horst-Kendrick-Bastardo-Papelbon cocktail yielded only two Dodger hits between the five of them.

When It All Went Right

Hunter Pence batting with the bases loaded and two outs usually just means that hey; the opposing team can just throw the chopped grounder to any base.  Not this time!  Hunter’s chopper chopped its way to the outfield, where it became what’s known as a “two-run single.”

Most Attractive Play

And then, when the second of two fly balls that would have been tenth row home runs in Citizens Bank Park headed straight for Hunter, instead of falling down or finding someone to collide with, he caught the ball!  Then he collided with something.

Hero

Kyle… Kendrick?

**Checks notes, finds no KK screw-ups as he held the Dodgers scoreless through an inning and two thirds. Also finds no notes; only a crude drawing of Cole Hamels kicking LEGO Land across a map of the United States while thousands flee in horror.**

Uh… yeah.

Villain

Matt Kemp, for throwing Ryan Howard out at home when it’s so obvious Ryan needs all the moral support he can get at his age.

Fortunately, we walked in on the Dodgers are collapsing.  Chris Capuano was supposed to start today, but he couldn’t, because Chad Billingsley is hurt and now Nathan Eovaldi had to step in and–you know what, screw it.  They’re bad.

He can't leave, we spent so much money on his lighting. Kirby Lee/Image of Sport-US PRESSWIRE

Ryan Howard got Tom McCarthy very excited with a fly ball “..to the TRACK, to the WALL…” but sadly ended with an awkward decrescendo into “… caught… on the warning track.”  And naturally, it felt like everything that was going to happen that inning had already happened, despite that being the first out.  Just the terrifically crushing mentality I’ve come to expect from my own brain.

But then Chooch stepped in, and his almost-homer bounced off the low wall in left, letting him scoot into second, where Hunter Pence was content to leave him by flailing like a lunatic at a pitch estimated to be somewhere in the stratosphere.  And once again, the inning felt over, but a nanosecond later, Juan Pierre blooped a really irritating single into right center and the Phillies scored a run.

It was nice.

The next inning, after Joe Blanton almost put a foul ball through Hunter Pence’s brain, J-Roll stepped in and bashed his ninth dinger of the year.  Shane Victorino kept the momentum going by singling to center.  The momentum appeared to be stopped by Chase Utley’s grounder to first, but the Dodgers failed to cover second for some reason and Shane was safe for about 90 seconds before he got picked off or caught stealing or whatever he was doing that ended badly.  Shane went 3-for-4, though,  and socked his third triple in three games, so he reached the offensive quota that allows for a brain fart.

The NEXT inning, Ryan Howard stepped in mere seconds after a Nissan commercial ended and sent a Nathan Eovaldi offering pretty far the other way for his inaugural home run of 2012.

It was three innings of vibrant, pulsating offense, back by solid chucking from Big Joe.  There would be no more, as the rest of the game hinged on Blanton’s eternal dance with utter implosion.

In the fourth, Blanton allowed a brief singles barrage, putting runners at first and third with one out.  Placido Polanco gloved a grounder to third and went home with it, and Chooch chased Mark Ellis back up the base line, slapping him with an empty glove (???), but Ellis ran about six feet out of the base path and was called out.  Don Mattingly came out to argue that the runner should totally be allowed to run into the dugout during a live play if he wants to and was turned away.

HIYA! Kirby Lee/Image of Sport-US PRESSWIRE

Joe then iced James Loney on a thank-ya-kindly fastball and everybody sprinted into the dugout before any of the runners scored somehow.  In the eighth, Joe’s wild pitch allowed a second run, but he wiggled out of it with a huge strikeout of Kemp and got back to the dugout in time to see the Phillies go down on nine strikes.

Jonathan Papelbon came in to be used as Baseba’al intended, and after K’ing Andre Ethier, he allowed a runner, but managed to end the game with him on third.

AND THEN THERE WERE SCREAMS Kirby Lee/Image of Sport-US PRESSWIRE

When It All Went Right

When Joe Blanton was allowed out to pitch the eighth and did not give up a series of home runs that had Charlie Manuel walking out the mound in shock.  The last out was a strikeout of Matt Kemp, who didn’t even bother to run to first base while Chooch tracked it down.  How courteous.  This all led to a bubbling mess of Tom McCarthyisms, but nonetheless, ended the inning.

Most Attractive Play

Is there a sweeter sight than Ryan Howard’s first home run of the season?  Yes, if that home run had come in, like, April.  When it was supposed to.

Hero

Joe Blanton threw 110 pitches tonight, 80 of which were strikes.  He held Matt Kemp and Andre Ethier to 1-for-8.

Villain

Tony Gwynn, dangling off third like a hang nail in the ninth, making everybody nervous.  Shame on you.