That Balls Outta Here » DFA

Phillies Recommend Not Filling Void Left by Mike Zagurski with Food

Justin Klugh — Fri, 23 Sep 2011 19:05:20 +0000

Left-handed people are treated like royalty in baseball. If teams could, they sprout and harvest their own crops of southpaws in subterranean labs, getting them from some organic process that led to fully developed humans being birthed out of a giant gross plant or something. Any righties accidentally generated by this process would be summarily executed.

Seriously. They would do that.

My point is that Mike Zagurski’s left arm is probably why we were forced to believe in him for so long. Now, any confidence-building on Zagurski’s behalf will be done by the “crowds” in Arizona, where he is now employed by snakes. (more…)

Phillies Celebrate Seven Game Win Streak by Disposing of J.C. Romero

Justin Klugh — Thu, 16 Jun 2011 20:37:40 +0000

Just after Cliff Lee reeled in the Marlins, beat them to death with an oar, and tossed them back into the ocean to traumatize their fish families, the Phillies announced that lefty walk specialist J.C. Romero was no longer a part of the team. (more…)

Phillies Deem Brian Schlitter Better than Drew Carpenter

Justin Klugh — Fri, 18 Feb 2011 17:00:58 +0000

“C’mon, Brian, all of Our Lady of Resurrection is behind you!!” says Dr. David L. Fishman, the sponsor of Brian Schlitter’s Baseball Reference page; but you can’t tell if he’s supporting or begging him. A closer look at the page will tell you he pitched in seven games for the Cubs last year, and his ERA may be the age of your child if they’re starting to have more Facebook friends than you. (more…)