Freddy Galvis will be there! Mandatory Credit: Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

But why not seek solace in the warm summer sun?  Yes, there’s nothing like heading south in the spring to check out the Phillies in Clearwater and then return home to warn us about how wrong we all are and the team is actually going to be really very shitty.

Nah, they’ll be fine.  I saw it in a dream.

Phillies preseason tickets have gone on sale which, accompanied by the Phillies preseason schedule released a few weeks ago, make for a hell of a pair.  They open the Grapefruit League against the American League Houston Astros, who are really putting a lot of their eggs in the “league-switch” basket.  Good luck, guys!

The rest of March, the Phillies play the Yankees, Braves, Blue Jays, Rays, and Tigers twice, as well as teams like the Nationals, Red Sox, Twins, and Dominican Republic once.  No confirmation if the team’s routine, “just-for-fun” brutalizing of the Florida State Seminoles to kick things off is occurring once again this year.

Regardless, cast off that blanket you’ve been wrapped in for months, address your family and friends, stop staring out your third floor window with one hand pressed against the glass, staring at strangers who walk by as loud, morose violin music plays all through your apartment.  Baseball is here, or at least, they’ve confirmed that it will be here!

That Astros match-up is a mere month and a half away, so there’s really not any reason not to buy a ticket, fly down to Clearwater, and basically live in the Brighthouse Complex until then.  It’s a hard life; barbecuing leftover sea rats from the flood and dodging security by pretending to be one of the sea rats is no easy task.

Are there sea rats?  We should confirm that.  They’re involved in like 98% of the plan.

But nevertheless, the explanation that you are just another frozen northerner,  fleeing from the harsh cold of beyond the Mason-Dixon Line should be good enough for a kind-hearted security guard to leave you alone.  But probably not enough for a normal-hearted and normal-brained security guard.

Squat safely people!  And see you in the spring.

In the mean time, whoa!  They just invited three more guys to Clearwater!

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And how do you fix a fractured relationship?  By pumping millions of dollars into it, of course!

Money.  It fixes everything.  Just ask Jonathan Papelbon, or your parents.  Just kidding.  I’m sure they’re very happy.  The Phillies and Papelbon, I mean.  I don’t know your parents.  I’m sure they’re lovely. (more…)