Fortunately, all the Phillies, even the ones we let go, seem to be playing for teams that should do very, very well this year, according to some statements said in public.

"... and we used to laugh. Do you remember how we laughed, baseball glove?" "DUDE I AM TRYING TO FIELD HERE."

“This easily could conceivably be a championship team,” Clay Condrey said of the Twins, blanketing his confidence in a cozy little layer of adverbs.  With a Joe Mauer-powered squad, its like being on the Titanic (Oh no!), only to find out the captain is Superman (Oh, I guess… I guess we’re fine, then).

Pedro Feliz, fielding grounders while silently reminiscing about summers past, is being asked to make a tangent replacement of Miguel Tejada with Houston’s rookie shortstop, Tommy Manzella.  Asking Pedro Feliz to step up his offensive production is one thing.  Depending on him for it… hell, if they can do something to get his bat hot, Phillies, take notes.  We sure couldn’t figure it out.

Loved that glove, though.

“I’m trying to get a ring.  I couldn’t get it the last two years,” explained Chan Ho Park.

Chan Ho’s plan to slide into the starting rotation for a World Series contending team is… half over, I guess.  He’s certainly with a contender, in the same way that you’re with that hot girl standing across the bar, surrounded by dudes.  You’re in the same room; I don’t see why you couldn’t just say you were with her Friday night.

“Does it mean it’ll work out? No, but it clearly gives us a deeper pen in a lot of different ways,” explained Yankees GM Brian Cashman.

Sh… She doesn’t even know I’m here, does she?!

I’m starting to smell out Chan Ho Park for what he really is, and that is a nomadic ring-whore.  Sure, he wanted to stay with the Phillies.  Not badly enough to stay with them, though, even when an offer was presented to him.  But of the “fresh starts” Ruben Amaro was handing out this winter, Park’s got the best chance of having his WS dreams be more than fictional rambling.  Though the odds of him starting… I’ve got to think they’re low.

Brett Myers is also thriving down in Kissimmee.  Having been unable to truly relax and enjoy himself in Spring Trainings past (probably because he had to worry about being good, to, you know, make the team), Myers turned to a source of inspiration valued by all middle-aged men with facial hair and a history of domestic violence:  children.

“I coached my son’s little league team this year, and it kind of inspired me a little bit to see how much fun those kids had.  That definitely helped me this offseason.”

Good, yeah.  What was missing from Brett Myers’ game was that he wasn’t having enough fun.  That was a slip-up on my part.  I should have checked these numbers months ago.  Yup, here it is.  Brett’s Fun Percentage (FuPg%) was down to  .437, and now, after coaching a little league team and reporting to camp, it’s blasted its way up to a stoic .649.  Of course, that doesn’t take into account OFA (Off field antics) or, and this is the important part, just how undependably bad a pitcher can be.

I just wish we could have made baseball more fun for Brett Myers while he was still in Philadelphia.

Matt Stairs, who found out he had an offer from San Diego while at a cheerleading competition (Sweet!) for his daughter (Never mind!), mentioned nothing of the Padres’ World Series aspirations and just swung six bats at once to warm up for the last of his (scheduled) offseason bearfights.

Meanwhile, Eric Bruntlett scrounged up a job being a body for Stephen Strasburg to throw baseballs at.  He’s the baseball equivalent of a sack of old hamburger meat.

“Who the hell is ‘Eric Bruntlett?’” even the Nationals asked.

RUBEN AMARO, JR. sits at his desk, reading a piece of paper.  Silence.  Casually, he turns to his left and COUGHS GENTLY.  A REPORTER sticks his head in the doorway almost immediately.

REPORTER

Stress over the Halladay deal making you sick, Ruben?

RUBEN

No, I was–

Philly Inquirer headline that afternoon:  ”DYING AMARO DEMANDS HALLADAY; SCREAMS AT JOURNALIST.”

When you’re the team linked to one of the greatest, if not the greatest, pitcher in professional baseball, every action, every word, every flutter of the eye lashes is seen as a move in his direction.  And, as Philadelphia is descended on by some ironically Toronto-esque weather patterns, Amaro’s actions are speaking louder than his denials.

It’s become apparent that the bullpen is going to be the sticky wicket in Amaro’s three-part plan.

"Wheels, it was reported that Clay Condrey came out to warm-up prior to the game, only to realize not only had he forgotten his glove, but also his entire uniform. He was also seven hours early."

With Chan Ho Park intent on making the entire country of Korea nervous, it was announced  that Clay Condrey, a guy whose numbers out of the bullpen were fine (6-2, 3.00 ERA), but marred by injury, has been dropped like it’s hot.  Or, like he’s hot. Which he was.

Okay, no more pop culture references.  Too hard.

Why would the Phillies take this consistent, reliable reliever out of their back pocket and toss him into the fire pit? To free up that precious, precious cap space for the strange and wonderful Halladay.  We were close to the the $140 million limit before arbitration, and now that Victorino, Durbin, Ruiz, and Blanton have been taken care of, there are no more pending withdrawals.

Amaro also claimed that his plans were to come to a deal with Condrey just as he planned to with Durbin, and then, a little after midnight on the 13th, said that no, he did not.

Which is indicative that the man is capable of saying one thing and doing another, such as :

“I don’t think there is any likeliness (of a big trade happening) … there is nothing likely. How about that?”

…and then allowing the headlines to fill with fiery speculation while twiddling his thumbs and whistling distractingly.

On a different topic, I’d like to send a particularly fervent “God damn it!” to Chan Ho Park.  What about all the good times, Chan Ho?  The innings of solid relief while “Whoops, sorry everybody,” became Brad Lidge’s mantra?  The “clap, clap, clap-clap-clap, clap-clap-clap-clap, Chan Ho!” cheers we so creatively came up with during Game Five of the World Series?

And now, if you don’t get your way, you’re going to go pitch for another team that’s not as good, but offered you a longer contract and probably an ambiguous promise to be a starter?  Somebody’s got “How to Negotiate a Baseball Deal” by Aaron Rowand on his night stand.

Of course, every team will listen to offers if it was good enough, but this sounds like a headline.

The Phillies need a quality starting pitcher, and the Blue Jays are looking to unload some of their salary cap. It seems like a perfect match made in heaven, but there are a couple of potential problems.

To make this trade happen, both teams will have to get multiple teams involved. That might end up being in the Phils best interest, but it might make the trade go south.

The Phillies would have to give up some of their best prospects to acquire Halladay. While Halladay might be worth giving up Kyle Drabek and maybe Jason Donald, I do not think the Phils would be willing to give up Drabek.

While the Phillies would encourage more teams to get in on the action, just getting the Jays to complete the trade would be a hike in itself.

The Phillies need a reliever almost as bad as a starter. Fans and the front office need to realize that the bullpen that we have is getting old, and at the rate that they are going will be too  overworked to pitch well in the post-season.

Cla Meredith of the San Diego Padres would be a good option for the Phils. Meredith is a quality young arm who would inject some life into the staggering Phils bullpen.

So, getting back to Halladay, here is what would be the after effects of the trade. The Phillies starting rotation would consist of Halladay as the ace, Cole Hamels, Joe Blanton, Jamie Moyer, and J.A. Happ. Then, in the bullpen would be, Chad Durbin, Chan Ho Park, Tyler Walker, J.C. Romero, Scott Eyre, Clay Condrey, Cla Meredith,Ryan Madson, and Brad Lidge.

Getting Halladay and another reliever would be the best possible scenario for the Phillies, but here is what needs to happen for the deal to go down.

Roy Halladay would be highly coveted by the Phillies if he were to be placed on the trading block.

First, the Phillies scouting staff needs to be disgusted at the quality that Dominican pitcher Pedro Martinez is pitching. Second, the Blue Jays need to fail at trading away Alex Rios, Vernon Wells, or Scott Rolen. That would leave the Jays with no other option than to feel like they have to trade Halladay to create some cap space.

On top of that, the Blue Jays need to keep falling further and further out of play-off contention by the All-Star break. If the Jays keep hanging around, then the Toronto staff has no reason to trade Halladay, and will pull Halladay off the block quicker than a Joel Zumaya fastball.

To top it all off, the Phillies need to agree to trade some of their top prospects to get the deal to go through.

Here is what I would trade for Halladay if I were general manager, and what teams I would involve.

Carlos Carrasco, Kyle Kendrick, and Jack Taschner to the Blue Jays, Clay Condrey and Eric Bruntlett to the San Diego Padres, and Roy Halladay and Cla Meredith to the Phillies. I would try to get another team in the mix if I could, but I would have to wait and see who would be interested.

So there is the trade, and what would happen to the team if it were to be approved by the league. Kendrick needs a change of scenery, and Carrasco has been overshadowed and under appreciated since the arrival of Antonio Bastardo and Happ. With Bastardo, Drabek, and Happ, that gives the Phillies some room to deal some pitchers away to acquire players who can help the team win now.

The Phils have a stacked farm system, and with the arrival of Halladay, could be a championship contender for years to come. They could facilitate some of the young guys into the pen such as Bastardo, and not have to worry about using their bullpen heavily if they have guys in there that can go a couple more innings than expected. Of course, it would not matter because Halladay eats up innings by the game, and rarely gets dismissed before the 5th or 6th inning. All seems well in the city of brotherly love.

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