I have this one friend who always finds himself to be the butt of a joke.  We all have those friends.  If you don’t know who that person is in your group of friends, odds are it is you. Sorry to break this to you on a holiday weekend.

So this friend, let’s call him Roshun, decided to bail on a fun outing myself and about eight other guys had planned to go see the Phillies play re-branded Expos. Roshun had a frequent tendency to bail on a lot of things like this, so it wasn’t a surprise.  His excuse was that he had to stay late at his summer internship working for some bank or investment firm. I don’t really remember.  I just know it was something incredibly boring.

League leader in Hot Dog Cannons (AP Photo/Matt Slocum)

We picked this particular game because it was a dollar dog night.  I know, I know, don’t judge me too harshly.  Since we were foolish and didn’t understand the dangers of hot dogs we bought and consumed a lifetime’s share of the phallic treats.  When you eat this many hot dogs there are a lot of tin foil wrappers left over.

My brother, with probably the greatest idea he has ever had in his lifetime, thought it would be a unique and appropriate prank to use the tinfoil to write Roshun’s cell phone number on the chain link fence directly behind our seats.  First, we tried it with one of our numbers and the calls came pouring in.  We quickly reshaped the metal numbers and they stayed there for inning after inning.

We would later find out Roshun’s phone was ringing nonstop as he sat in a meeting for his internship.  That night he received enough calls from drunk Phillies fans to fill his voicemail box to capacity.  Something like 50 or so people left him messages.  People are weird.

So here’s the point, the Phillies may or may not make the playoffs this year.  Sometimes they are unwatchable, but then they win a series or two to suck you back in.  No matter what their record is at the end of the season, going to baseball games can still be one of the best things of summer.  You can still show up at Citizens Bank Ballpark and create lasting memories.  It is one of the best things about this sport that we all love.

You see, their lack of money or a team and general horribleness has led to a failed interest in baseball in South Florida, which leads to a meager line for regular season tickets.  And some of those people were there because they saw themselves in the reflection of the ticket window and thought they were trapped in a cage.

Howard Smith-USA TODAY Sports

But that laughter was returned to use this week, which is to say there was no laughter, because we in Philadelphia don’t see what’s so funny about ourselves.

Which is exactly what has happened.  The line for Phillies regular season tickets was also not very long, especially when compared to all the job-leaving, school-skipping, tailgating, and day-drinking that occurred last year at this time.  Not that it takes much for us to start day-drinking.

Look, a line!  **Sound of a beer bottle being opened, then drank, then smashed on the ground, then the shards being used to threaten somebody for being different.**

The obvious answer is that the Phillies were one of those normal .500 teams that have never happened in this town.  We’ve had good teams, and we’ve had bad teams, but middling out is the most despicable act you can commit in baseball.  We don’t even register on the top 10 or the bottom 10.  THERE’S BARELY A REASON TO EVEN EXIST.

Which leads to things like a nine-person line to pay astronomical prices for a small slip of cardboard that will give you access to a team that may not actually be very good, again.

But that doesn’t mean the team will be bad!  It just means people are a bit more reluctant to suffer for them.  It does not take much to sway the masses.  Look at me; Ryan Howard kept a smile on his face throughout his whole press conference and I just bet $14,000 that he’ll win the NL MVP.

Lines will not be the biggest problem for the Phillies in 2013.  And now we can start hoping that.

• Swallowing batteries so we can throw them up later on Santa Claus.
• Cole Hamels’ career thus far.
• Those mysterious all-purpose meat cheesesteaks that were such abominations they were flushed down the toilet and became sentient, living abortions.

However, there’s something new in town that is also distinctly our’s.  No, it’s not a screeching, flesh eating sandwich.  This time.

MY GOD HE'S GOT A GUN oh it just shoots hot dog whew that's delicious. Howard Smith-US PRESSWIRE

With the team on the field not playing to expectations, or at all lately, we turn to concessions to eat our feelings.  For some people, those feelings don’t include things like meat or cheese, for some reason.  Our questions about that particular lifestyle aside, their dietary concerns must be accommodated.

Why?  Because this is Philadelphia, the City of Brotherly Love.  We need as many people as we can get to build our Army of Darkness.

So, it’s refreshing to have NPR pull back the curtain on the stadium food at Citizens Bank Park and reveal nothing but the most respected vegetarian food options in the country.  PETA is happy, ARAMARK is happy, and people who don’t have complete mental breakdowns of joy on Dollar Dog Night are happy.

It’s a glorious feeling, to win.  Once again, the Phillies are on top, showing the rest of the National League how it’s done.  Even fans from the dietarily liberal west coast have flocked here to satisfy what California couldn’t give them.

Decked out in Dodgers gear, Amada Armenta waits in line at a concession stand.

“I’m really excited that there’s a veggie dog, actually.”

–Elizabeth Fiedler, NPR

Is it the glory we imagined?  No.  But in a season starved of championship behavior, it’s obvious that we will turn just about anywhere to feed off sweet, sweet success.  So, let’s suck down a veggie dog or two in celebration of setting the bar once more.

Now where is the vegetarian bourbon.