Apr 16, 2013; Cincinnati, OH, USA; Cincinnati Reds center fielder Shin-Soo Choo warms up on deck during a game against yje Philadelphia Phillies at Great American Ball Park. Mandatory Credit: David Kohl-USA TODAY Sports

I have trouble adopting a voice for some of these recaps.  Like, am I explaining what happened to people who watched it?  Or is it more akin to telling a story to somebody who wasn’t there?

Because my instinct is to start this recap with, “Man, you wouldn’t believe this one.”  But maybe you would.  Maybe you don’t enter the top of each first inning with the idea that maybe this will be the game that turns it around.  But hey, it’s still early!  Why, Delmon Young hasn’t even joined the club yet!

**weeps**

So yeah, John Lannan apparently entered the game already injured with some tendinitis above his knee that he claims to have pitched through before.  Which is great news, because the last thing we want to do is have someone other than John Lannan pitch when John Lannan is giving up eight hits and six runs in less than two innings.

Onward came the bullpen, who did their thing where they just kind of are out there so the mound isn’t empty and the game can continue.  Raul Valdes hopped in there and six hits and five runs through three and a third innings of mop-up duty.  Oh, and then there was this gem.

Raul Valdes has the Phillies’ first extra-base hit in 41 batters.

— Matt Gelb (@magelb) April 18, 2013

Apr 15, 2013; Cincinnati, OH, USA; Cincinnati Reds left fielder Derrick Robinson beats out a hit during the eighth inning against Philadelphia Phillies first baseman Ryan Howard at Great American Ball Park. The Reds defeated the Phillies 4-2. Mandatory Credit: Frank Victores-USA TODAY Sports

Yes, the long reliever set the offensive bar for the day, matched only by Freddy Galvis’ two-run eighth inning home run off a guy appearing in his sixth MLB game ever and cut the deficit to single digits.  The Red’s Mike Leake took complete control for seven innings of shut-out, three-hit ball.  He was backed by a potent lineup of frequent hitters.  Zach Cozart (3-for-5, 3 RBI, 2B, HR) and Brandon Phillips (2-for-2, 3 RBI) were especially devastating, as was Leake’s RBI triple off Lannan.

Chad Durbin and Jeremy Horst would pitch the last three innings with hitlessness and scorelessness that would have really come in handy during some games where we weren’t already down by nine runs.  Dom Brown left the game after feeling a pop in his back while misplaying a fly ball.

Oh, did I mention the pregame ceremony was the Phillies losing a different game?  Today was great.

When it all went wrong

When John Lannan decided to be a hero?  When Ben Revere didn’t hit a ball out of the infield for 10 at-bats, is hitting .194, and is the leadoff hitter?  When nobody walked in this entire series?  When the Phillies scored 10 runs in six games? When

Hero

noun \ˈhir-(ˌ)ō\

a : a mythological or legendary figure often of divine descent endowed with great strength or ability

b : an illustrious warrior

c : a man admired for his achievements and noble qualities

d : one who shows great courage

Villain

Baseball.

TBOH’s thoughts

**In play, run(s); Mike Leake triples on a fly ball** said the screen of the laptop sailing out the apartment window

— Justin Klugh (@TBOHblog) April 17, 2013

I wonder if Big Bang Theory is on. Maybe I’ll get lucky.

— John Stolnis (@FelskeFiles) April 18, 2013

Apr 16, 2013; Cincinnati, OH, USA; Philadelphia Phillies John Mayberry Jr. (15) runs to first base after grounding out as Cincinnati Reds first baseman Joey Votto (19) catches a throw from third during the ninth inning at Great American Ball Park. Mandatory Credit: David Kohl-USA TODAY Sports

Fortunately, the Reds were just as pointless, scoring zero runs off Kyle Kendrick, and the game plunged through inning after inning and rain storm after rain storm to its undoubtedly hideous conclusion.

Only it never came.  This game is still going on, somehow, after rain once again forced a delay in the bottom of the ninth.

Now, the game exists outside of the known universe, floating there with the rest of the Phillies in limbo, like Chooch and Lenny Dysktra’s sanity.  Disgusted by the scheduling abortion, MLB slapped a bizarre “5:30″ start time on the reboot, and hopes that the teams can just get it over with so everyone can hurry up and forget about this mess.  Reds’ starter Homer “can only say things about homers” Bailey said, ”Maybe the first batter will hit a home run and win.”

We have no idea of knowing what will happen.  Yes we do.  The Phillies will not score and some unsung Reds batter will blast the cover off the ball for a gross 1-0 win that just feels gross.  But before that happens, what’s the situation?  After five or six hours of night terrors, your memory is shot.  And now the Phillies are asking you to jump right back into a game already in progress?

We’re here to help.

What’s the situation?

We are still tied at 0-0, obviously.  It is the bottom of the ninth inning.  It’s late and everybody pissed.  If you’re hanging out at your sister’s house, watching the game, she just gave you a displeased look when you claimed you’d “stay up all damn night” if you had to and asked anybody if they wanted anything from your “coffee run.”  She then locked the door after you left.  Maybe you should just get cable.

Who is pitching?

Apr 16, 2013; Cincinnati, OH, USA; Philadelphia Phillies manager Charlie Manuel watches during the first inning in a game against the Cincinnati Reds at Great American Ball Park. Mandatory Credit: David Kohl-USA TODAY Sports

Phillippe “The French Connection” Aumont.  He has been warming up for 16 hours.

Who is batting?

Reds shortstop Zack Cozart.  He’s got one of the Red’s only two hits in the game, but manager Dusty Baker pointed out, ”It’ll be strange getting the first at-bat at home.”  So hopefully Cozart is so disoriented that he holds the bat upside down or somehow strikes out from the broadcast booth.

What time does the game start?

5:30 p.m., just in time for your drive-time commute.  Now you can take all that pent-up work frustration out on your car radio, instead of bursting a blood vessel yelling at the motorcyclists lane-splitting through the gridlock THAT IS ONLY LEGAL IN CALIFORNIA YOU COWARDS **rolls up windows quickly and cowardly**

Who is going to win?

Charlie Manuel says, “Anytime they want to, we can start hitting the ball and scoring some runs.”  If we’re assuming he means the Phillies, then yay!  The key to the Phillies winning this game is them wanting to hit.  The Reds, clearly, don’t want to do it, so if we’re one intense desire away from the W, then I’d say this one’s in the bag.

What are the odds of extra innings?

Pretty good, these teams are really bad.

Unless…

PREDICTION: Both teams unclog the offense. “And it’s 17-17 we enter the top of the 21st here in Cincinnati…” 2nd game starts at 11 p.m.

— Justin Klugh (@TBOHblog) April 17, 2013

@tbohblog @lexuhbooz You are undoubtedly the worst human I know, at least at the moment.

— Chris Branch (@ChrisBranchTNJ) April 17, 2013

It doesn’t get any easier, regardless of how much it happens. To our best pitcher. And now we have to rebound with Kyle Kendrick, whose luck has been almost just as “meh” as the guy he’s facing.

Kyle Kendrick, (1-1, 5.40 ERA)

Apr 10, 2013; Philadelphia, PA, USA; Philadelphia Phillies starting pitcher Kyle Kendrick (38) pitches against the New York Mets at Citizens Bank Park. The Phillies defeated the Mets, 7-3. Mandatory Credit: Eric Hartline-USA TODAY Sports

Since his last start, Kyle has been kissed by Cliff Lee.  Initially, this was thought to inject some form of superpowers into his repertoire, but after last night, it may be a transference of dark powers.

“We’re playing good,” Kyle said after his last start, a 7-3, dinger-happy home romp over the Mets.  ”We’re scoring a lot of runs.”

If that was the key to his previous success, than these other Phillies, the ones who’ve scored eight runs in four games, will not be much help at all.  Kyle will most assuredly need his wits about him, get that new slider working, and baffle hitters into quick hits so they don’t keep him out there too long and expose his soft underbelly: pitching to other baseball teams.

Homer Bailey, (1-1, 5.73 ERA) 

Entering last Wednesday’s game against the Cardinals, Homer Bailey had allowed two hits and three walks.  Over five innings, he allowed nine hits, three home runs, and three walks, for a grand total of seven earned runs.

So, he’s gettable. Just gotta get ‘im.

Have to hope he’s emotionally vulnerable enough to allow the Phillies to score an incredible 3-4 runs.

Game Notes

Feb 16, 2013; Goodyear, AZ, USA; Cincinnati Reds starting pitcher Homer Bailey (34) poses for a photo during photo day at the Reds Spring Training Facility. Mandatory Credit: Jake Roth-USA TODAY Sports

Unless you’re name is Chase Utley, it looks like we’re back in the pits with this offense.  I suppose you could take this on a night-to-night basis, but it seems like the only guy having an “up” period right now is Chase, and even some of his nights aren’t perfect.  Ben Revere can’t get on base, Ryan strikes out, Michael Young and Erik Kratz ground into double plays, and usually strand people like Chase, or maybe Jimmy or Dom if they’re having a decent night, after a leadoff double.

The Reds are having their own troubles, indicated last night as they matched us in ineffectiveness.  The difference was, when the time came for that big hit, they had a Brandon Phillips to deliver.  We had a Chase Utley, who did deliver, but as a pinch hitter could only deliver once.  They’re run totals, even in their past few losses, have been better than the Phils (save that 10-0 loss to the Cardinals), they just can’t keep up or hold a lead.

These are two teams not playing spectacular baseball right now, so it’s fortunate they’re playing each other so they can pick up the two or three games that will be mentioned in the near future when people say “They’ve only won two or three of their last twelve.”