*sigh*

You old so-and-so.

#Phillies 2B Chase Utley is second all-time in career stolen base percentage at 88.73%

— Whiz Wit Sports (@WhizWitSports) May 23, 2013

Every day, there’s some new Chase Utley fact that makes him the handsomest coolest guy ever.  Just last week, he hosted he and his wife’s annual Casino Night to benefit the PSPCA.  All while he dealt with incredible rib cage discomfort.

Actually, no; it couldn’t have started yet.  Because as Bill Baer points out, Utley would have followed protocol for proper baseballing and being a human and told somebody to prevent the injury from spiraling into a weird, dumb mystery thing.  Of course, Chase’s silence in the past seem to indicate this is a new concept for him, but at least he’s learning.  There are a couple ways to handle an injury, but igniting a conspiracy is probably one of the less effective ones.

Apr. 25, 2012; Phoenix, AZ, USA; Philadelphia Phillies infielder Chase Utley in the dugout during game against the Arizona Diamondbacks at Chase Field. Mandatory Credit: Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

Today is the day that an MRI will determine whether or not Chase heads to the DL, joining the likes of Roy Halladay, John Lannan, and Mike Adams.  When that MRI will take place is beyond us, so it’s probably a good idea to just stay vigilantly anxious all day long.  Snapping at people and lashing out at co-workers is incredibly acceptable, once you clear away the tears and explain the context of your outburst.  If you have to hold someone down, physically, in order to explain, that’s probably a good idea.

“I think we caught it early enough,” Chase says, having felt a twinge during batting practice in his rib cage – the batting cage of the human body.  We can only hope.

And hold people down and shout at them.

So, that means he is out again this evening, and will probably continue to be out for a time labeled casually as “the foreseeable future,” but that’s why we have words like “forever.”  So you don’t have to say all that.

Apr 26, 2013; New York, NY, USA; Philadelphia Phillies left fielder John Mayberry Jr. (15) and second baseman Chase Utley (26) walk in the outfield before the start of a MLB game against the New York Mets at Citi Field. Mandatory Credit: Brad Penner-USA TODAY Sports

Chase checked around and people told him to take it easy.  And that means Chase will probably be on the DL within a day or a few days, and we can shift to discussing who from their paltry options the Phillies should bring up/acquire to replace him.

Well, if current trends continue, the Phillies will sign the worst, most bumbling, racist second baseman they can find, preferably with a history of very aggressive anger.  Remember when Roberto Alomar spat in John Hirschbeck’s face?  Like that, every night.

It could be as unsexy as Pete Orr or as unsexy as Darin Ruf.  Orr is at least a serviceman, parked in the minors in case of emergency.  Ruf is the kid everybody swears will be the real deal if the Phillies ever bother to promote him.  He’s currently 2 for his last 27.  He strikes out a lot.

Take your pick.

May 3, 2013; Philadelphia, PA, USA; Philadelphia Phillies second baseman Chase Utley (26) celebrates hitting a home run during the third inning against the Miami Marlins at Citizens Bank Park. Mandatory Credit: Howard Smith-USA TODAY Sports

According to CSN Philly’s Jim Salisbury, Chase Utley will undergo an MRI on his sore rib cage, meaning he will not be in the lineup for the series finale against the Marlins tonight in Miami.

In case you’re a bit late to proceedings, Utley now joins Carlos Ruiz, Mike Adams and Ryan Howard as players who have needed a trip inside the MRI machine in the last few days, making the MRI machine a more popular Philadelphia attraction lately than The Franklin Institute.

I know we all said we wanted to get Freddy Galvis some more at bats, but I don’t think anyone wanted this.

Thanks, baseball.

Phils GM Ruben Amaro told Comcast Sportsnet this morning, “We’ll probably MRI him today or tomorrow, figure out how significant it is and go from there.”

I love that we’re now using MIR as a verb.

After last night’s game, Charlie Manuel said, “When he took a swing, he felt a little burn, a pain in his rib cage. Sometimes if you keep playing that can get more serious and you lose time. I’ve had those things. It’s hard to breathe, really hard to swing. We’ll see. Hopefully we don’t lose him for very long.”

Obviously, it completely sucks to lose your best offensive player for any length of time, and should it be required, a DL stint for Chase could not come at a worse time. Utley is the team leader in OPS (.814) and RBIs (25) and is second in HRs (7), and batting average (.272). The weak offense cannot afford to lose the one reliable bat they have.

I guess the good news is that his knees have not collapsed in on themselves like a couple of matchsticks holding up half a human. That’s all good. But ribcage/oblique strains are taken very seriously in Major League circles nowadays.

They’re all the rage, really.

Unfortunately, these are some of the consequences of age. As the body gets older, it breaks down a bit. Utley hurting himself during batting practice is like me straining my knee getting out of the shower. Or when I throw my back out sneezing. That kind of stuff happens as you get old.

If Utley does go on the disabled list, the Phils could recall Darin Ruf from AAA or Lehigh second baseman Cesar Hernandez, who is having an outstanding season for the Iron Pigs (.320/.386/.456, OPS .842, 2 HRs, 5 2Bs, 6 3Bs).

Stupid Father Time.