Ruben Amaro has set fire to the snow in recent winters, giving us warm Halladays and Cliffs and Papelbons to dance around while the sun sets at four in the afternoon.  And while his new found patience is admirable, it is at the same time, explosively irritating.

So let’s all drum our fingers on the counter and watch Thursday Night Football and pretend we’re not staring at that phone like Ruben’s gonna call any moment with the good news.

“I signed Michael Bourn!” he’d say.

“That’s nice, I wish he wasn’t as old as he is,” we’d reply.

“No, you don’t understand, I signed 2009 Michael Bourn, when he led the league in stolen bases and won a Gold Glove.  Employing a witch doctor as an assistant GM has paid off in spades.”

“Hooray, I have literally no other problems!  That was the last one!”

Mandatory Credit: Charles LeClaire-US PRESSWIRE

This will never happen, as Ruben Amaro has suspiciously never confirmed or denied his stance on the effectiveness of witch doctoring.  Also because he keeps us very, very far out of the loop.  But, as a general concept of “signing Michael Bourn,” it may happen for a few reasons:  The Phillies have a past with Bourn, they have the money to pay him what he wants even if it’s outrageous, he’s the superior WAR candidate, and he’s part of a shrinking short list.

He’s a great fit for this offense as a leadoff hitter who can outrun the instincts of most Major League catchers.  He’s got a skill set that makes him a scoring threat after as little as a hit-by-pitch, but he is more than likely going to want money to exchange those skills in a Phillies uniform.

That aforementioned short list includes famed Hawaiian fellow Shane Victorino, Angel Pagan, Josh Hamilton, and some longer shots like Alejandro de Aza and Dexter Fowler, who really are not as good at baseball as the ideal candidate would be.  In baseball’s deepest market, it seems the Phillies are content to go for a swim.

There is no easy formula.  Any guy that’s a great fit wants to stay too long, any guy that’s affordable may not be a solution.  Even the chosen ones like B.J. Upton and Denard Span are flawed, and far from guarantees that they’ll contribute what the blinding light of hope has made it seem they possess.

Which is why it’s refreshing to see our excitable GM taking a second to back up, sit down, and consider just what in the hell is going on.

That doesn’t mean it’s easy to wait for him to figure it out, especially when all of us so clearly have.

Howard Smith-US PRESSWIRE

History may tell us that the Fall of 2012 was one of the most disappointing seasons ever seen in Philadelphia sports. We have witnessed the potential end of the Phillies Golden Age, the final chapter of the Andy Reid Era, Bynum’s catastrophic bowling incident, and no hockey to speak of.

But if the whole season is that awful, the past few days are the epitome of the whole year. At least the information age of social media and blogs make us feel that way.

Yes, it has been THAT bad for every team in town, but let’s stick with the Phillies. The focus is on 3 measly days.

On Tuesday, Carlos Ruiz was suspended 25 games for the use of Adderall.  Worse, he was only suspended because he was caught for the second time.  Chooch either has a problem with overuse, or isn’t smart enough to cover it up.  Either way, he should be embarrassed.  (Wagging my Dikembe finger)

This news doesn’t severely hurt the Phillies chances in 2013, but it’s not a good start to the offseason. Call it a bad omen, or even a precursor to Wednesday.

That morning we all thought Ruben had solved the 8^th inning problem.  I soon realized that I actually hate Twitter and Wednesdays.  Both did nothing but get my hopes up.

Thanks to Wilton Lopez’ right elbow, we sat and waited all day wondering what was going on.  Why wasn’t it finalized? And so we waited, and checked twitter every 10 seconds for an update.

Later in the evening I tweeted that I didn’t want B.J. Upton anyway, but a friend of mine (who just happens to be a Braves fan) pointed out that I sounded like I was trying to convince myself.  The jerk may be right.

Frankly, none of us know who or what we REALLY want in center field next year.  Face it, there are number of descent candidates but they are all flawed in one way or another.  So because we didn’t get Upton, we never wanted him in the first place.  Now we all really want Bourn or Hamilton, or Hamilton in left and Pagan in center.

It hurts to write that. The Phils need youth, and bad.

We woke up Thursday morning to rumors of other teams involved for Lopez and finally that he may have failed his physical.  It appears that for whatever the reason, Wilton Lopez is not coming to Philly. The whole thing is shrouded in a cloud of mystery.

As if it couldn’t get any worse, on Thursday evening the newly hated Washington Nationals acquired Denard Span from the Minnesota Twins for a single minor league pitching prospect, Alex Meyer.  Seriously, that’s it? These are 3 days that need to be quickly forgotten.

We got our hopes up just to be let down,  like the rest of 2012. Only 31 days ‘til 2013!

I promise to have low expectations from now on…until the Winter Meetings start on Monday, that is.

“NO JOHN DON’T LAPSE INTO A MADNESS COMA.” Steve Mitchell-US PRESSWIRE

We have reached the point of the year when the Phillies’ lead protagonist stops being the players on the lineup card and becomes one solitary figure, donned in a slick suit and constantly holding up a finger to answer his buzzing phone.

In the midst of a lawsuit, Ruben Amaro flew to Peoria, AZ to watch his prospects shine in a 10-7 win; and then, as Jim Salisbury described, cooed openly at a text message.

Nobody gets into Amaro’s inner sanctum this time of year, or in other times of the year, but of course, this is when the most mystery exists about his plans.  As the central figure in every narrative, we can’t help but pound his door, demanding answers… knowing the best we can hope for is a patronizing smirk in response.

But one thing we are all very aware of is our holes, one of which being in center field, where John Mayberry I believe was left to fend for himself this winter, wandering about the outfield’s fresh snow, clutching himself for warmth, and burning his glove in order to adequately cook the pigeon he hunted down and snared.

Fortunately, Amaro was able to–boarding and deplaning a mid-flight conference call–let out a brief breath of clarity for the peons.

“Ideally, Amaro this offseason would like to add a centerfielder who can drive in runs and play good defense…”

–Jim Salisbury

“It’s one of our priorities.”

–Ruben Amaro

There are also things like offensively capable third basemen and late inning relievers to consider, but why waste time considering those when the outfield free agent class is so robust with high profile talent!  Josh Hamilton!  Michael Bourn!  B.J. Upton!  Angel Pagan!  These are all guys with known risks in signing to long, foolish contracts, and the endless scroll of a deal Amaro must be itching to give out wouldn’t be the wisest move.

But here I am, talking like some sort of analyst, using players’ names, and knowing who the GM is!  Like I said, the important thing is that Amaro plans to hire a center fielder.  Would have been pretty embarrassing to just a half-starved John Mayberry out there, sick with Pigeon Cough, and cackling at a fly ball and trying to “stomp the devils out of it,” his mind long ravaged by isolation and pigeon meat.