So long Brian Schneider, and happy trails. Mandatory Credit: Howard Smith-USA TODAY Sports

Amidst all this negative talk of PED use, Alex Rodriguez, holier-than-thou sportswriters and negativity surrounding Ruben Amaro’s recent moves (much of it created by myself), comes word that former Phillie back-up catcher Brian Schneider has announced his retirement.

Unlike Mike Schmidt’s farewell, Brian Schneider is not announcing his departure from the game in the bowels of the San Diego Padres’ clubhouse in the middle of a long west coast trip. Instead, Schneider spoke to Mandy Housenick at The Morning Call, making sure she was the conduit to the news that is sure to shake the very foundation of the 2013 season.

It would be easy to be snarky at an announcement like this. One could easily say things like, “Geez, I didn’t know Brian Schneider was even still in the league,” but that would be unnecessarily mean.

After all, Schneider left everyone with a lot of memories from the three years he spent here in Philad…

…WAIT A MINUTE… BRIAN SCHNEIDER WAS ON THE PHILLIES FOR THE LAST THREE YEARS???… WAS ANYONE ELSE AWARE OF THIS?… WAS THIS DONE ON PURPOSE?… WAS HE LIKE A SQUATTER REFUSING TO LEAVE AN ABANDONED HOME???… WHAT GIVES???

Yes, those Schneider memories are etched in your mind forever, like tiny fragments of time that bore into your consciousness like a festering tapeworm and feel as though they’ll last forever.

Schneider explained why he was retiring, other than the .212 batting average and the .622 OPS he put up in three seasons as the Phils’ back-up catcher…

“It hasn’t been an easy decision, but there are a lot of factors,” Schneider told Housenick. “You don’t want to retire, but you think of your family and I think more than anything it’s physically how you feel.

“I’d kind of like to leave on my own terms and not have my last impression of baseball be someone telling me I can’t play. But there is a lot going on in my life and I’m very fortunate to have a great family and start being a dad and being around more often and being a good husband.”

Seriously, for Schneider, it was a thrill to sign with the Phils in 2010. He grew up about 20 miles south of Philly and graduated from Northampton High School in 1995. A home-grown product got to play for the team he rooted for as a kid.

That’s definitely something very cool.

What’s not cool is that I just realized I’m about a year older than Brian Schneider. Someone should just euthanize me now, already.

Anywho, we kid about Schneider, but the truth is, anytime you can hang on and have a 13-year career as a Major League ballplayer means you’re doing something right. While never much of an offensive threat, Schneider was a top-notch defensive catcher in his heyday, playing for the Montreal Expos/Washington Nationals, New York Mets and Phillies.

He’s also seen as one of the game’s nice guys, so a proper send-off is more than fitting for the 36-year-old veteran.

Now, Brian Schneider gets to spend more time at home with his wife and four children, as the Phils move on with a new back-up catcher.

Everybody Kratz your hands.

But whatever the reason, the line of Phillie waiting to walk into a buzz saw got a little shorter, again, as one of the Phillies had to leave a game to possibly join their friends on the disabled list.  Again.

This time, it was back up catcher, weak pop-up advocate, and generally nice guy Brian Schneider whose body broke down, in his case, in the form of a right ankle sprain.  The injury occurred in the second game of a humiliating double-header, when the Phillies were actually still in the game, trailing only by a run.

Things are looking up for Brian Schneider. Mainly because that's where all his weak pop-ups are. ark J. Rebilas-US PRESSWIRE

“Maybe they’ll win!” we stupidly thought.

Then the Rodriguez play happened, and suddenly, two more runs were scored and our catcher had been trampled to death for some reason.  Rodriguez was so far from home plate that he actually had to stand up, wipe the bits of Brian Schneider off his uniform, and go back to touch it.

Of course, nobody thinks it was his intent to do so, but it is impossible to penetrate the head of a psychotic murderer like Rodriguez, who is fueled by the salty aroma of human suffering.

“I was thinking slide the whole way.  It wasn’t like I was even trying to hit him.”

–Sean Rodriguez

Oh, sure, sure.  We get it, Sean.  You saw that little smile on Schneider’s face as he thought about his kids between pitches and it just made you sick.  You saw a piece of happiness in this world and you couldn’t stand it.

“I’ll wipe that stupid grin off his peanut-face,” you probably said in the batter’s box.

“What?” Brian and the umpire probably both asked simultaneously.

Brian waited one pitch before signalling to the dugout that he had to leave the game and Cliff Lee signaled to everyone by throwing his arms in the air that he was really pissed off.  Now, the only thing left to decide is how many days Brian will miss.  X-rays were negative, so the DL seems to be ruled out, but I think we all know we are all merely one crossing of Sean Rodriguez away from horrible injury.

But he can catch the ball, and knows how to lay a rough tag on a squeeze play, apparently, which is why he’s the catcher.  Or a catcher.  He’s not the one you want.  Which is why Chooch exists.  As a partially offensive, mostly staff-managing pro, Chooch protects us from having to watch Brian Schneider hit every night.  Can you even imagine?  This nuclear offense having to deal with a  weak-swinging bench player in its midst?  They’d suck!

Christopher Hanewinckel-US PRESSWIRE

(more…)