Following several seconds of playful jostling, crowds of traumatized victims flocked to their nearest smart phone to try find solace in the tweets of strangers.  Mass hysteria had already taken control, but the humorous, sarcastic messages that resulted from the quake’s victims brought smiles to the faces of those who moments before had suffered through the worst earthquake of their lives.

According to Twitter sources, to blame for the quake are mostly fat people, followed by ‘epic farts’ and ‘Mother Nature’s vibrator.’ (more…)

After I recovered from the emotionally devastating tailspin of being told I wasn’t the best, I returned to my computer, closed the browser windows with depression hotline numbers in them, and actually visited the site, where I found the manic rants of one of those people that probably wasn’t the uni-bomber, but might have been a fan of his lifestyle (minus the murders).

It was called The Big Sharkey Show, and it was a collection of the most hideously poetic cynicisms and fist-pumps the internet has ever seen.

“Seeing as I am currently an unemployed sack I decided to devote my time not to the coming birth of my first child, the embetterment of the species or finding a job but to the only thing that matters in this smited world: The Philadelphia Phillies. I’m no expert or Sabermatrician virgin but I am funnier than 90% of the world’s population and you will laugh at my words. The fact that at least 20% of the world speaks Mandarin doesn’t hurt my standing, either.”

“Roy Halladay has the LARGEST dick in the history of the known universe. We are all lucky to see him use it.”

“Look at the sorry Mets. A billion games back and a billion sad sacks wear those colors. At the season’s end they’re without a manager, general manager and dignity. The next 2 men that step into those roles better bring wear condoms on every appendage.”

“Chollie better be standing at the stairs of the fucking dugout with a shotgun to make sure these 18.5-games-back-babies don’t do anything stupid.”

Once more, I find myself crushingly depressed, as Sharkey is pulling the rusty metal grate down over the twisted carnival that was his blog.  He has succumb to the unfortunate realities of family and job, and is no longer willing to sacrifice time and feelings to Phillies blogging, which is understandable, but tragic.  I myself have spent many a long night hunched over a keyboard, trying to cough out something that would be worth the clicks of you jackals.  Which makes it all the more incredible how TBSS could be funny all of the time.

It was funny when we’d win, it was funny when we’d lose.  It was even funny when he didn’t respond to my persistent requests for guest posts, which I had to put in his comment section because he did not have any contact info on his site.  I’d sit at this keyboard, laughing hysterically as I typed out another futile attempt to trap his profane lightning in a perverted bottle.

Our only solace will have to be that all of the things discussed on TBSS in the past; the punching of family members, the horrific mood swings, the dangerously apparent instability–all of it will be happening somewhere out there–I think he’s based in Australia–it just won’t appear on the internet.  Which is fine.  TBOH is still here!  Right, guys?

**Sound of a door slamming**

Part One:  Square Table Discussion

When Crashburn Alley announced its intelligent person round table that for some reason excluded many of us violent alcoholics, we naturally descended into a pit of depression.  In response, we had our own round table, so I and several of the other Phillies writers formed some questions, asked them of each other, and went to town.  The result is this mess before you.  Previously seen on Long Drive, but these answers are slightly different, and totally worth your time!

Your cast:

Me

Cranekicker of Crane Kick Chronicles

Steve @Estebomb and Max @uublog of Fire Eric Bruntlett

Coal Hammels enthusiast @FanSince09

Jeff @Utley4God

Ryan @petzrawr aka @Sl_JonHeyman (RIP)

Danny Cohen @dmc0603

1. Are the Phillies too right handed?

Justin: If you’re asking whether or not I think the Phillies should pick one prospect and force him to permanently switch dominant hands through a combination of experimental medications, periodically abandoning him blindfolded in the woods, and sending him realistically photo shopped pictures of his wife cheating on him, then no, absolutely not.  That’s just awful.  You’re an awful person.

In all honesty, I think we’re too Luis Castillo-ed and not enough Jimmy Rollins-ed.

Steve:  No, absolutely not.  The Phillies can never be too right handed because right is the hand that GOD chose for us to use and all lefties should be purified with hellfire! Unless they’re pitchers.

FanSince09:  If by right handed you mean old, then yes.

Ryan: Trick question. Nobody on the Phillies has two right hands.

Danny: I read that 89 percent of the world is right-handed. That means almost every pitcher the Phillies will face this year is right-handed. It is a fact that if a hitter is the same handedness as a pitcher, he will be out. So if the Phillies have more than one right-handed bat, they are too right-handed. Besides Placido Polanco, who can’t get out because he’s fucking Placido Polanco.

Cranekicker:  Charlie Manuel sticks both hands down his pants. That should answer your question.

Jeff : Yes. They are too right handed.  In fact, they have been too right handed for years.  When Chase Utley came to the big leagues, they told him they needed a left handed bat (notice he throws righty?).  Utley figured how hard could this lefty thing be, I mean John Olerud did it and he’s a baby back birch.  The rest, as they say, is history.

Max:  I’m left handed. In Little League, I set a record for most consecutive strikeouts with 223. I think right handed people are good for an offense. That’s why Chase Utley’s injury is a good thing. (more…)