Washington Nationals

Bryce Harper

So, there’s a teenager in the All-Star Game.  Let’s hope he doesn’t miss a fly ball because he’s out there sexting or robo-tripping or not knowing how good he has it because in my day ballplayers had to walk 50 miles to school in a blizzard.

Seemed pretty inevitable that the kid was going to be on the team, whether by rabid, cackling Nationals fans stuffing the ballot box or via the removal of all necessary parties and the correct sequence of events occurring to allow it in some kind of Illuminati plot.

So congratulations, guy.  I’m sure everything will go perfectly for you.

"Don't be awkward don't be awkward don't be awkward YO GUYS YOU HEAR ME SAY THAT CLOWNS THING damn it don't be awkward." Scott Rovak/USA TODAY Sports via US PRESSWIRE

Gio Gonzalez

You know what’s great is not the formidable rotation Gonzalez has helped form in D.C. alongside their organic talent, but rather the best friendship that has formed between him and Strasburg.  You see, one of them’s messy, the other one’s clean; one is quiet and intense, the other one is clownish and noisy.  Remember that one when Strasburg’s parents were coming to visit and then Gonzalez drew a line down the middle of their apartment and then their differences turned out to be their strengths.

This is the first time two varying personalities have ever occupied the same pitching rotation, so naturally, it’s a refreshing turn of events, especially when all of baseball’s other teams are made up of vile, criminal perverts who all hate each other.

Stephen Strasburg

There’s not a lot to dislike about the homegrown, naturally unhittable, prolific, intense, early twenties starting pitcher that the Nationals were terrible enough to acquire.  So the best we can hope for is a stoic representation of National League pitching for the next few years before a terribly personal, public divorce during his first contract negotiation that fractures his relationship with the franchise and the city forever.

New York Mets

David Wright

Oh, David.  I remember when your big dumb helmet and dumb stupid face were my least favorite things in the world.  Now I actually feel like you have been wronged and would use my words to defend you.  Look at you, on the bench.  What a ridiculous series of events.  Look at the slash line.  Look at it.

And you’re getting shoved out of the way because Giants fans get to vote?  Well, at least that clears the question of whether the Giants’ fanbase thinks they’re going to the World Series in 2012 or not, because if they wanted a better chance at home field field advantage, they’d have the guy with the 4.9 WAR start at third instead of their 240 pound plush toy.

R.A. Dickey

Dickey is the second Met to be ousted by a Giant, this time, though, it’s Matt Cain and his perfect game, which as we all know is he baseball equivalent of a license to kill.  Who Matt Cain is planning to kill is still up in the air, but in the mean time, he’s just going to go ahead and take the starting role for the NL, while Dickey the knuckleballer will make an appearance by the fourth or fifth inning, most likely with Chooch as a battery mate.

For once, seeing Dickey will be a good thing, as his twisted reverse back-ass-wards pitching magic is one of the few advantages the NL has.

Miami Marlins

Giancarlo Stanton

Could have used Stanton in the Home Run Derby.

Could have used him in the All-Star lineup.

Could have used a well-placed splashdown dinger that lands in the fountain of a public park in Omaha to ruin C.C. Sabathia’s feelings.

"It is a real honor to stand here and hold this rather than get to wear it in a game." Jeff Curry-US PRESSWIRE

But, Stanton, the sole Fish on the roster, had to go and get himself ruined and will not be playing.  In his stead, the Marlins will have the complaints of Miami owner David Samson, who suggested Tony La Russa should have selected Justin Ruggiano.  But tangibly, the Marlins will have no one.  Hey, you get what you pay for.

Which in this case is $71,750,000 for the contracts of Jose Reyes, Hanley Ramirez, Josh Johnson, Heath Bell, Mark Buehrle, and Carlos Zambrano.

Atlanta Braves

Dan Uggla

When Dan Uggla submits his measurements for his NL All-Star uniform, do the manufacturers look at the numbers like, “Come on, this guy is built like an ice cream truck.  Why does he want a child’s uniform?”  The answer, of course, is no, because Dan Uggla’s garment size illiteracy has been one of baseball’s biggest issues, which I am sure they will address right after even Interleaguer play but before instant replay.

Mmmm? Oh yeah, no, this is just how I like to stand; gazing stoically up at the sky, uniform clinging to my bulging biceps... what's up, brah? Denny Medley/USA TODAY Sports via US PRESSWIRE

Chipper Jones

Chipper will be serving as the game’s “Aww, isn’t that neat?” moment-provider as the broadcasters apply their nine inning tongue bath to the Braves legend.  Bud Selig has already used him has a bastion for the reverence of keeping things the same forever.

“I love that.  It’s one of the things that you hope a lot of players will stay where they played, just like George Brett did here in Kansas City, so you like that a lot.”

–Bud Selig

“See, Chipper stayed in one place his whole career and everybody loves it.  Therefore, we can keep being terrified of change and none of you can call me on it.  Thanks.”

Michael Bourn

Righteousness broke through in Bourn’s appointment, as he should have been on the team all along, but sadly, his moment of glory was sandwiched between paragraphs jerking off Harper, so if you didn’t even know Bourn had made the team you can’t really be blamed.  Also you may not have noticed him because he is quite often a mere blur accompanied by a blast of wind.

Craig Kimbrel

Huntsville, Alabama couldn’t be prouder of its native son for his second straight All-Star appearance.  This time, he didn’t even have to replace Matt Cain at the last second.

Kimbrel represents all that is horrifying about the Braves; young, highly skilled, cultivated by their own system, and kept around.  It’s like nobody’s even in their front office, cashing in prospects for midseason pickups that will make all the magazine covers.

With so much time in the glorious microcosm of the Phillies galaxy, we maybe haven’t had time to step back and take a solid look at the baseball universe.

The All-Star Game gives us the glimpse we may have thus far been missing, offering a cross section of the league’s best, with the addendum that every team needs a warm body out there, and also some guys were hot early and got everybody excited before plummeting back to earth, and also some guys are only out there because they are considered a fine young man, not because of any particular statistical baseball skill in 2012.

That’s exactly the kind of bullshit that the National League doesn’t need.  We lost Albert Pujols, we lost Prince Fielder, and that means we’re relying–heavily–on guys having “up” years, rather than guys who are “up” guys.

Never mind that the giggling Bay Area masses had enough time to vote Buster Posey ahead of Carlos Ruiz and Pablo Sandoval over David Wright, both of which are full blown atrocities for any NL player with World Series aspirations.

ASG election of “Kung Fu Panda” shows the value of a cute nickname. Surprised Giants fans didn’t elect a “ball dude” to start at 3B.

— Sandy Alderson (@MetsGM) July 3, 2012

 

Combine that with the fact that these guys are being arranged by Tony La Russa; meaning that while the AL manager will be using baseball strategy, our manager will be playing some kind of weird chess game to which only he knows the rules and all of the pieces are invisible.  The lineup was announced today and it was so Tony La Russa it could barely stand up.

It’s great that Michael Bourn made the team, but it’s pretty obvious that ESPN has already scripted Bryce Harper’s walkoff in-the-park grand slam, should the opportunity present itself, but the safe money is on Derek Jeter doing some minor thing that everyone jerks him off for.

“YEAH YOU KNOW MARK TRUMBO’S INFIELD TRIPLE WAS PRETTY KEY TO THE AL’S ONE RUN WIN BUT WHAT ABOUT THAT SAC BUNT DEREK JETER ATTEMPTED THREE INNINGS BEFORE. THAT WAS PRETTY NEAT, EXCEPT FOR THAT IT WAS A FOUL POP-UP THAT THE CATCHER CAUGHT ONE HANDED.  JETER WAS SMILING ON HIS WAY BACK TO THE DUGOUT AND THAT’S JUST GOOD FOR BASEBALL AND STUFF YOU KNOW.”

–An Idiot

So everybody gathered around La Russa today and demanded to know what the hell his plan was fending off the other league that now had their two best hitters.  The plus side is that the NL will start Matt Cain and all of the clips of his perfect game, followed probably by R.A. Dickey, and then maybe Cole Hamels if we’re lucky enough, but probably Wade Miley or somebody that La Russa saw in a dream holding a goblet of strategy.

“La Russa didn’t commit to how he will use the pitchers after Cain, except to say that Dickey will likely pitch sometime in the middle of the game.”

–Matt Leach, MLB.com

BREAKING NEWS:  R.A. Dickey will pitch some time in the All-Star game between the first and ninth innings.

The actual news on that is that when Dickey enters the game, Chooch will be coming with him, having taken the first four or five innings to familiarize himself with Dickey’s approach, which is to throw a pitch that is at once totally hittable and completely unhittable.  It’s a tall order, but Chooch has spent the last few years learning quickly to make the game’s best pitchers get comfortable with him and well it seems to be what he’s good at.

“I’m second-guessing [the managers] every game I watch, so I don’t miss managing at all.  I’m never wrong.”

–Tony La Russa

And that is why Tony La Russa won the World Series every day of his life.

Mistakes were made in the assembly of this NL roster, and it’s weaker than the AL one.  Our saving grace will have to be the pitching, and with La Russa making the calls, we will probably get to see nearly each one at his disposal.

What does this mean for the Phillies?  Close to nothing.  They will not even come close to the World Series, so the result of this game means less to them and us than ever.  The best we can hope for is a Hamels and/or Papelbon-Ruiz battery performing awesomely at some point of the game.  Then also Chooch ruins some AL pitcher’s feelings with a slash down the right field line.

The important thing is to remain calm while acknowledging how neat it is that in a year soaked in such crap, we still managed more than the bare minimum of All-Star reps, and one of them is Cole Hamels and he is still wearing a Phillies uniFOR THE LOVE OF GOD THERE IS NO REASON FOR THIS JUST PUT HIS SIGNATURE ON THE PAPER THAT KEEPS HIM HERE FOREVER FOR FUCK’S SAKE THIS IS RIDICULOUS DO YOU NOT EVEN CARE THAT YOU ARE KILLING ME.

No, not alcohol!  Put it down!  Stop assuming that’s what I mean!

No, no, no… not your family.  They left you weeks ago.

I mean literally elsewhere, as in, geographically.  And why not, when a somewhat fulfilling outlet lies right in our own farm system?  I’m talking, of course, about Reading, Pennsylvania, where our Double-A affiliate is gearing up to host the Eastern League All-Star Game.

Baseballtown is hosting a myriad of events showcasing the talents of the future, in an attempt to instill hope in a dying fanbase.  This is not the only recent case of the franchise pointing at it’s farm system lately and going “Ehhh?  Ehhhhhhhh?”

The fun begins July 10 at 7:00 pm, when the Reading Phillies invite you to strut on down to the Home Run Derby and Autograph Session.  The even released a video in which their GM explains exactly what’s going on, instead of having house burned down for asking too many questions like some general managers I know.  

The R-Phils are throwing a party on the infield of FirstEnergy Stadium, during the Home Run Derby. Using a set of revolutionary “Large nets,” partiers will remain mostly unscathed by batted balls as they fill up on precious alcohol and disturb strangers by telling them how they could have been a minor All-Star too, if they wanted to.

If you have money, an All-Star Gala is being held later that day at Building 24, The Works at Wyomissing.  It costs $75 to get into a party where there will be an open bar and probably some other features that won’t matter after your sixth trip to the open bar and ninth 20-minute tirade about watching Travis Lee play first base.

On July 11 at the Crowne Plaza Reading Hotel, there will be a luncheon starring Vance Worley.  Fans will be seated with EL All-Stars themselves, giving them the chance to pepper them with questions or force them to sign shit in case they become famous, and they can’t so “no thanks,” because then we will label them jerks and their careers will be ruined.  The whole thing culminates with Vance’s four hour power point presentation on the trauma that can come from goggle-related bullying in our nation’s youth.  It’ll be a fun day for all!

Then, later that day, the All-Star Game itself will take place, and if you haven’t been asked to leave Reading yet, now’s your chance to check out what everyone’s been murmuring about.  No, not your behavior at the luncheon that had Vance Worley calling for security in the middle of his “Why Rec Specs are cooler than normal glasses” slide.

The game!  There will be young talent!  There will be a pregame concert!  There will be post game fireworks!  And most importantly, there will be a happy hour, in which beer will be a dollar off!  And this is minor league beer we’re talking about!  It’s not even filtered through a standard of gouging you financially!

So, if the Phillies got you down, which they do, don’t lie to yourself, maybe truck out into the burbs for a lookee-loo at tomorrow.  You won’t regret it.  Though everyone else might.