I was going to make a Moyer joke, but instead, ha ha, is that Wes Helms in the background? Good god.

“Moyer Unlikely For Opening Day,” said the headline.

“Does that even need to be said?” I replied, looking around the room for some accompanying laughs.  They didn’t come, so I added them myself for a few minutes.

But then I actually read the article, which is a pretty handy technique, by the way, because apparently you can be misled by just the headline, and saw what they really meant:  Jamie Moyer’s fourth surgery, this time on his right meniscus, is going to more than likely bar him from any Opening Day activities.

I would say any allegations of him filling that last spot on the rotation have all but evaporated.

WHO’S IT GONNA BE?!  WHO’S IT GONNA BE?!

Tell us, Phillies blogosphere over the next few weeks.  Kyle Kendrick?  Yeah probably.  But also probably Andrew Carpenter or this guy, Ryan Vogelsong, an ex-Pirate with a year in Japan under his belt and a pocket full of dreams. I’m considering this the least of our problems right now, as we have options to fill in the blanks, instead of other unfortunate clubs who have been left to scratch desperately at the walls, hoping some gold falls out.

If you were worried about Clay Condrey and how he was going to feed his children (and who wasn’t) then stop, because the dude will be playing professional baseball in 2010.  The Minnesota Twins snatched him up like he was a 6-2 relief pitcher with a 3.00 ERA.

… Oh.

Also, remember weeks ago when everything we were reading was about the Phillies prospective third baseman?  Those were the days.  Chone Figgins?  Mark DeRosa?  Placido Polanco?  It could’ve been anybody!  Ha, ha.  Wild.

Well, that one it could have been that I didn’t mention, Adrian Beltre, is now a Red So… ck.  Yeah.  A fantastic fielder, Beltre was cast aside in favor of what Pedro Feliz wasn’t giving us (either):  dependable offense.

And anywhere we travel this year, if at some point a ground ball slips past Placido, we’ll hear a soft whisper on the wind…

“… Beltre …”

God speed, Jamie.  And stay off that groin.

These past few years, Ruben Amaro and his staff have taken advantage of early name-grabbing.  Brad Lidge was snared from the Astros early on the in offseason; just as Raul Ibanez was signed without much time ticking off the clock. Dealings like these have painted Amaro as the GM with his gun already drawn most of the time.

With free agent season opening officially today, the only question is who is in Amaro’s crosshairs.

Truth is, nobody at third is a exciting as Chone Figgins, who cashed himself out of the dealings with $50 million price tag for five years.  Adrian Beltre’s had some lackluster seasons since his explosive year with the Dodgers, Placido Polanco is a better middle infielder, and Mark DeRosa’s got adaptability, but not a ton of power, and may not even be able to play every day.

Though Beltre’s got those Gold Gloves from ’07-’08.

God, who knows?!  I’m sick of these names.  Make the deals already so we’ll have something else to talk about.  Damn.

To the minors!

Human monster Michael Taylor of the Reading Phils is being rewarded for turning the Eastern League into his own personal smorgasbord.  .333 BA, 15 HR, 65 RBI, 18 SB are the statistics I will rattle off to you.  Gross.  Also, he’s 6′ 6″ and weighs 260 lbs.  His hobbies include baseball and sneaking into the opponents’ locker room before a game and eating all of their bats one by one.

I bring him up because Taylor and Reading 3B Neil Sellers are the only players on the same team to be voted onto the 2009 Topps Double-All Star Team.  Sellers was also magic offensively, but more importantly, led the league in hits (164) and fielding percentage by a third baseman (.961).

No wonder everybody wants a piece of our farm system.

As the Phillies begin the “Let’s watch an iceberg melt” pace of the offseason, and Ruben Amaro gears up to make some more small, but extremely critical, moves, we are given a very clear reminder of just how horrifically boring baseball can be when you’re watching the business side in action.

"Wow, that's... such an unineresting question."