Atlanta Braves

“Hey guys, who wants to catch the Van Diesel matinee? I’ll toss in some moo-lah for the popped corn.” Steve Mitchell-US PRESSWIRE

The Braves already lost one treasured mainstay through the magic of retirement, and they are not ready to lose anymore.  Clutching to their veterans like Halloween candy, the team just activated their options for historical Carlos Ruiz-outvoter Brian McCann and crafty survivalist Tim Hudson.  McCann, despite a 2012 OPS under .700 and reports that his right shoulder is a surgery or two shy of tiptop shape, was worth $12 million to them.

The rest of us may not have to catch a glimpse of the spectacled backstop until late April, giving us precious little time to beat the Braves without some kind of wonky clutch double or superb catching getting in the way.  With this in mind, the Braves are also giving second string backstop David Ross a seductive wink in hopes of filling any McCann-holes come spring.

Hudson was rewarded $9 million of his own, though he will be 38 this coming July.  This is the baseball age in which execs start waving their arms and squinting.  ”Eeehhhhhh…” they say, trailing off and checking their smart phones for any messages regarding the guy’s health that he himself may not know about yet.

Especially for a starting pitcher, his body has to be rejecting baseball by now, but Hudson swears that neither his physical state–why, he’s even entered a home run derby–nor the ambiguity of his placement alarms him, claiming that he is a “big boy.”  

He wants to end his career as a Brave, having longfully watched the team play as a child, a mere 90 minutes south of Atlanta.  But it is not reported how much “childhood sentimentality” enters into the Braves’ offseason dealings.

The Braves will also be bringing back starter Paul Maholm, for whom they will spend $6.5 million.  Maholm posted impressive post-Cubs numbers, but there are few numbers that do not appear impressive in such context.

New York Mets

R.A. Dickey clears up a teammate’s back rash by gently touching it with a baseball he has blessed with one of his life-giving knucklings. Mandatory Credit: Anthony Gruppuso-US PREWIRE

R.A. Dickey, 2012 Cy Young candidate, he of the 20-6 record, league-leading complete games (5), shutouts (3), innings pitched (233.2), and strikeouts (230); the NL’s starting pitcher for the All-Star Game, mountain climber, author, and sole present day representative of the Knetwork of Known Knuckleballers,  will stay a Met for $5 million next season, receiving a less than $1 million raise and  probably using the money he makes to fund an orphanage that specializes in teaching kids that they can succeed at anything, as long as they find a loopy, impractical, impossible to fathom method of performing the task at hand.

The Mets will also save the rest of the league from logjamming into each other by keeping David Wright off the market as well, for the time being.

You’d assume at this point that the “face” of the Mets’ franchise would be that of a hideous monster, wailing in agony to be killed, and kept under the staircase to live in darkness and scamper through the ventilation system at night.  But it’s actually Wright’s rather handsome mug, and will continue to be so through 2013 for a cool $16 million.

After that, Wright hits free agency, unless the Mets latch onto him hard, which they seem to want to do, offering him a $1oo million extension.  To start.

Miami Marlins

28 months.  Six managers.  Jeffrey Loria is stepping over the contract of Ozzie Guillen on his way to shaking Larry Bowa’s hand as well as whoever else interviews to be the future bad fit for the Marlins franchise.  Some people, including people you could refer to as “all” people, believe that perhaps it is time to consider it isn’t the pack of scapegoats who are the problem in Miami.  They blame someone Jeffrey Loria hasn’t even considered firing.

“Jeffrey Loria overstepping his bounds and ignoring the people that he, himself, put in charge of making decisions makes me rage with the fire of a thousand suns. His inability to recognize where his organization’s problems stem from (hint: the fucking mirror) makes me unreasonably stabby. He’s an idiot savant, without the savant. He’s real-life trolling the shit out of an entire fan base and he doesn’t even mean to.

This is torture. This is hell. This is Jeffrey Loria.”

–Strip Club with Stanton

“You can surround him with an opulent new, state-of-the-art ballpark but, well, he’s still Jeffrey Loria.  New team name, new logo, new colors, new uniforms, new stadium, new players … same old meddling owner leading the league in impatience.”

–Greg Cote, Bradenton Herald

“The Marlins’ failures — including Guillen, himself — aren’t Guillen’s, but Loria’s.”

–Zach Stoloff, NESN

“At this moment inside the Marlins offices, there are two groups of people. There are those who think team owner Jeffrey Loria is doing an increasingly shabby job of running the franchise right down to Tuesday’s firing of manager Ozzie Guillen.

And there is Jeffrey Loria.”

–Dave Hyde, Palm Beach Sun-Sentinel

So that’s probably one of those problems that gets better if you just look away from it for about a decade.

Washington Nationals

Also he’s got all that snot up there. Scott Kane-US PRESSWIRE

Ah, the Nationals.  What do the Nationals have to improve?  Maybe their Stephen Strasburging policies.  But that matter isn’t trendy or relevant anymore, especially now that there’s a World Series trophy en route to San Francisco.

Whatever, let’s just… let’s just sign Adam LaRoche to some kind of thing.  What kind of thing, you ask?  Why, a long term thing that doesn’t make a ton of sense for a 33-year-old first baseman!  Yes, LaRoche had a charmingly productive season, battering 33 home runs and 100 RBI.  So, why not ink him to a long term deal?  Well, because he’s old, for a guy expected to provide consistent offensive production for years to come.  And he’s got a $10 million option they could pick up to keep filling a hole.  But, hey, why not!  Other than the reasons I just said.

The Nats are also going to have a decision to make about another trustworthy 2012 perfomer.  Sean Burnett was their late inning lefty out of the pen–whatever the hell that is–but now that he’s having “surgery” to “remove” a “bone spur” in his left “elbow,” the team is considering leaving him by the side of the road, what with the impending free agency and all.

Real classy, D.C.

Jennifer Hilderbrand-US PRESSWIRE

The Sporting News has released its annual MLB awards, and while they may not be official, they sure are being said out loud.  And no one needs things to be said louder than Nationals’ manager Davey Johnson, who was informed via megaphone two inches from his shriveled, elderly ear hole that he had won the NL Manager of the Year honors.

“To be recognized by my fellow comrades, a particularly accomplished bunch, makes this award especially meaningful,” Johnson apparently said, finally outing himself as a Communist spy having held meeting after meeting on the Red Porch in our nation’s capital RIGHT UNDER THE PRESIDENT’S NOSE.

There is some skill in turning an absolute train wreck into a train that goes all the way to the NLCS but then gets derailed by a bird landing on the tracks, so Johnson is, in fact, a valid pick.  But his traitorous nature continued to reveal itself as he stealthily forced D.C.’s John A. Wilson Building to take down the flag proudly flown on its roof and replace it with some sort of horrible, squiggly, probably Socialist flag.

Reports are indicating it is actually the flag of the city of St. Louis, which was part of St. Louis mayor Vincent C. Gray’s final revenge on his enemies.  D.C. can take it down today, the Cardinals having lost interest in antagonistic bets after suffering through losing one of their own.  The transition from “baseball” to “normal life things” can be hard.

But Michael Morse has jury duty!  Isn’t that fun and quirky?  It’s the same thing as the World Series.

New York Mets

“Please don’t talk to me, I don’t want to catch ‘Marlins.’” Steve Mitchell-US PRESSWIRE

With the New Jersey Nets and New York Islanders both headed to eventually or already inhabiting Brooklyn, the formula in the Empire State seems to be, if you can’t win, move to Brooklyn, where winners are born.  The Mets now find themselves in a pickle, as Brooklyn fills out as a major sports power, and they have no end in sight to the hopeless mediocrity-at-best baseball that has plagued them since consecutive gutwrenching implosions in 2007-08.  Bernie Madoff didn’t help.

One thing the team could do to avoid hitting rock bottom is grabbing onto David Wright with both hands and refusing to let him go, even when he says “Please let me go,” or “You’re hurting me!”  Last year, they watched as one of their faces, Jose Reyes, walked away to the tune of a multimillion dollar Marlins deal; something he wouldn’t dare wish on his friend David.

No, Jose thinks David should stay there, in New York, something he himself wanted to do, until the Mets decided to use their other plan, “Spend so much less money oh my god.”  The Marlins may not be available to inherit anymore Mets contracts anyway,having turned their focus on signing a pushing-40 Alex Rodriguez, which I think we can all agree would solve everything.

Miami Marlins

Speaking of solving everything, Larry Beinfest is invoking the image of the 2003 Marlins again, and boy does he wish they were still around.   Ozzie Guillen is gone, 2012 is gone, and it’s time for a new direction:  the past.

2003 is only getting further and further away, which makes Beinfest’s reintroduction of the franchise’s championships less and less relevant.  But he keeps doing it, in hopes that the fans won’t completely leave him alone with the team.

One way to get better is watching Heath Bell go, which was nice, but they need a few more changes before reinvigorating that vibrant fanbase with a third totally noticed World Series title.  Meanwhile, the famed Marlins Stadium will be used for soccer games.  Which is also nice.

Atlanta Braves

“I’M TAKING THIS BAT TOO.” Charles LeClaire-US PRESSWIRE

Ron Gant made his “Good Morning, Atlanta,” debut, calling it the “best morning show in the city,” and claiming he’s had “a lot of coffee,” which is just charming.

But it’s not that Braves alumni that is or should be the focus this offseason.  There’s Chipper Jones, who thankfully saw his baseball career end with a blown call in an innovative one-game playoff.  With him gone–presumably, unless he’s got a den to furnish and wants to spend another season being lavished with gifts–someone needs to play third.  And while laying Chipper’s glove in the hot corner and watering it every day might seem like a good plan now, when opening day roles around and Atlanta’s starting third baseman is a wet, ruined glove.

Sure, there are candidates from within like Martin Prado or Juan Francisco.  But apparently, the Braves can see all the potential trades we can, and also think that people like Chase Headley and David Wright would play for them if they gave them enough money.  Which is probably true, but if the Braves sign them, then we can’t have irrational fantasies about doing it ourselves.

Miami Marlins

As Marlins writer/strip club enthusiast SCWS told us yesterday, the Marlins have called up catching prospect Rob Brantly “…because it means we’re that much closer to seeing exactly what kind of hot garbage the Tigers gave us this time around.”

Well, you know what that means.  When a young kid comes up to the Majors to begin auditioning for a role on next year’s squad because this year has gone horribly, you know there’s gonna be some good-natured ribbing!

• Carlos Lee made fun of his catching helmet!
• Other players made him lift up shirt so they could laugh at his abdominal muscles!
• Ozzie Guillen told him he would receive “plenty of playing time!”

It was a real bonkers day for the Marlins, certainly, but when game time rolled around, it was time to get serious and lose 4-0.

What the Miami Herald calls ”tomfoolery” was over… for now.

“From what I hear, there’s a lot more to come.”

–Rob Brantly

Whoa-ho-ho!

Washington Nationals

Setting up for their first playoff run in franchise history, the Nationals suffered a devastating blow when starter and rookie phenom Stephen Strasburg became stricken with injury and unable to play for the remainder of the season.  Except instead of that or any reason, the Nationals are shutting down Strasburg after 180 innings–including the playoffs.

Okay, there’s a reason.  It’s that they are worried about the little guy.  He’s only 24, he’s coming off Tommy John surgery, he’s got his whole life ahead of him, and there’s no reason to ruin all that life by sticking the lad in the middle of something as mundane and life-threatening as an MLB playoff race.

The Nationals are toying with the notion of saying Strasburg was a ghost the whole time. Jennifer Stewart-US PRESSWIRE

And hey, it’s not like he’s even the best pitcher on the team!  Some would argue Jordan Zimmerman has been better.  With one player better than him on the team, obviously, the Nationals can afford to remove him entirely.  Besides, he’s only up to 133 innings!  All they have to do is have him pitch one inning every start, and he’ll be nice and fresh for October!

See?  This plan makes total sense.  I mean it’s not like good players aren’t good 100% of the time.

New York Mets

I would like to welcome the New York Mets to the Assembly of NL East Teams Who Are Looking Toward the Future and by Insinuation Giving Up on the Present.

Yes, it seems the Mets are finally low enough, while still being higher than us, to consider 2012 a wash and start dreaming of how their roster of low ceiling space-fillers could succeed in the coming years, thanks to small and/or massive, irreversible changes.

That doesn’t mean they can’t start the “bad team” tradition of passionate campaigning for individual players to win awards!  R.A. Dickey for Cy Young!  Johan Santana for Comeback Player of the Year!  Scott Hairston for Off the Team!  Terry Collins for Managerial Epiphany of the Decade!

“I think winning games are important.”

–Terry Collins

For us, and the Mets, and don’t forget the Marlins, because you totally did forget the Marlins, the offseason begins today.  And that is very exciting.  As long as you had no playoff hopes prior to the season.  In which case this is incredibly disappointing.

"Well I say that winning games is TERRIBLE!" Brad Penner-US PRESSWIRE

Atlanta Braves

Braves fans like their chances in the home stretch, which is fun, because the home stretch last year ended with them going home for quite a stretch.

But this year, with expanded playoffs and stellar play, the Braves will most likely see the playoffs, if you consider the one game Wild Card playoff “the playoffs.”  Exciting times in Braves country!  Why, they haven’t even won the division 14 times in a row in years.

So excited are the Braves that their announcers are threatening to beat up fans on the air.  Broadcaster Joe Simpson was mistaken on Twitter for the Joe Simpson, father of Jessica, who was arrested on DUI charges, and boy, he did not like what he heard.

If you enjoy people interrupting baseball games to react emotionally to the disparaging of their character and the  awkward silences that follow, then you will get a real kick out of this.  If not, I would suggest having a listen to every other broadcast in the history of baseball, in which that does not happen.