May 5, 2013; Philadelphia, PA, USA; Miami Marlins right fielder Marcell Ozuna (48) celebrates with pitcher Jose Fernandez (16) after the game against the Philadelphia Phillies at Citizens Bank Park. The Marlins defeated the Phillies 14-2. Mandatory Credit: Howard Smith-USA TODAY Sports

So we’ll leave the Roy Halladay portion out of this game recap, but don’t worry!  There’s still plenty of horrendous pitching to talk about.

Raul Valdes chewed through 3.1 innings, giving up a run – he has a HBP to his name as well.  Chad Durbin got the ball next, and boy, he began the Phillies’ legacy of surrendering home runs to Justin Ruggiano.  Jeremy Horst closed things out for the Phillies pitching staff, picking up his own Ruggiano dinger, and his own HBP, and setting the day’s ERA bar at a steady-handed 6.59.

Now to the offense!  It was also terrible.

As Bill Baer pointed out during his classic Completely Demoralizing Bill Baer Mid-Game Facts, the Phillies’ offense has had some trouble actually putting runs on the board.  But that all ended today!

Ben Revere singled in Carlos Ruiz in the bottom of the eighth, followed by a Freddy Galvis RBI groundout – YEAH TEAM OF THE FUTURE.

And that’s how the Phillies scored two runs to bring the Phillies within eight runs of tying the Marlins!  Until the next inning, when Justin Ruggiano hit his second home run of the day to make it a ten run deficit again!

The ninth inning Big Comeback featured two groundouts, a Jimmy Rollins single met with sarcastic applause, and another groundout.

And now the Phillies are 14-18 after splitting a four game series with the WORST TEAM in the LEAGUE, a title which really honestly feels like it should be us.

When it all went wrong

Marcell Ozuna’s double was reviewed the wrong way for the Phils, scoring the Marlins’ first runs of the day.  I’ll see you in hell, Marcell Ozuna.

Hero

There are no heroes left in this world.

Villain

You, the fans.  People booed Roy Halladay today.  THEY BOOED ROY HALLADAY.  This indicates a complete lack of intelligence for both baseball and history.  If you do this, ever, you are the worst human garbage that this city can produce at a Phillies game.

TBOH’s thoughts

Hahaha oh baseball you sure know how to get me to clean my shotgun

— Justin Klugh (@TBOHblog) May 5, 2013

The silver lining is that at least he is getting beat by a really good offensive team. I will now throw myself into oncoming traffic.

— John Stolnis (@FelskeFiles) May 5, 2013

Still the Phillies, though.  It won’t ever be not the Phillies.  But it sure is refreshing to see them play not like themselves.

Celebratory hand-touch! Howard Smith-US PRESSWIRE

Roy Halladay was not on fire, giving up four straight base hits to start the game, including a bases loaded double to Jay Bruce.  Somehow, the Reds managed to score only two runs that inning, thanks in part to Dom Brown hosing Chris Heisey at the plate.

Over the next few innings, the score would be jockeyed back and forth as both Doc and Reds starter Mike Leake failed to stabilize their team’s position.  Ryan Howard singled in Juan Pierre in the second and clobbered a shot into “That Ball is Absolutely Hammered”-ville to tie the game in the third.

Ryan Howard powered himself into another spectrum of human vision. Howard Smith-US PRESSWIRE

Erik Kratz solidified his backup catching/nuclear power role by giving the Phils the lead with a solo shot, which in turn was equalized by a big Reds fifth inning that went double-double-single-single-pickoff play in which Brandon Phillips manages to score before they can smother Jay Bruce off second.

5-3 at this point, but the very next inning Chase Utley and Juan Pierre both had RBI before Dom Brown stepped up in a tie game and doubled in Ryan Howard and John Mayberry and made every body feel good and warm inside.

At this point, the Reds courteously backed off a bit on the scoring, but the Phillies, their mouths covered in slop, rudely continued without considering anyone’s feelings.  They scored in every inning but the second, the biggest games had by Ryan Howard (2-for-4, 2 RBI, 2 R), John Mayberry (3-for-5, 3 RBI, 3 R), and Juan Pierre (3-for-4, 3 RBI, 1 R).

Doc, unaccustomed to being picked up by his offense, was naturally disappointed in his own night, (seven innings, 5 ER, 10 H), but gave way to a suspiciously eventless bullpen–Rosenberg, Bastardo, and Lindblom allowed two hits and nothing else over 2.2–and as always, did not have to carry as much guilt as he did.

“I feel like everybody contributed but me.”  **light, sad smile**

–Roy Halladay

It's okay Roy, don't summon the Doc-plane just yet. Howard Smith-US PRESSWIRE

When It All Went Right

Dom Brown’s RBI double got the lead back, raised the youngter’s self esteem, gave us all hope about his clutch-ness, and was generally just an exciting little moment to have that didn’t even lead to the Reds coming back.

Of course you could also argue that everything went right when the Reds stepped on the field, having lost 12 of their last 13 against the Phils.

But... but Dom Brown! Howard Smith-US PRESSWIRE

Most Attractive Play

Let’s give a little fatherly love to a guy who needs it the most.  Antonio Bastardo K’d two Reds looking in a row to end the 8th with two runners on.

Hero

Hey wow, Placido Polanco returned last night and went 2-for-4 with a run.  That’s fun.

Villain

I don’t know what Jay Bruce’s (3-for-3, 3 H, 2 RBI, 1 BB) problem was last night, but he seemed to be in the middle of everything, like some sort of horrible bacteria that makes everyone around it look like diseased-ridden monsters.  Gross.

And that’s the position the Phillies bullpen found themselves in last night, when they entered a 3-2 game in the eighth, their directive simple:  Hold the line… and give us a chance.

They failed.

You got the look of a man who just ruined everything. Steve Mitchell-US PRESSWIRE

Roy Halladay spent the first seven innings being analyzed by all means of face-talkers, who were deciding whether he was “back” or not, despite his one run allowed over his previous 15 innings.  He and opposing starter Mark Buehrle took turns shelling their respective lineups until the fourth, when Doc cracked first, proving once and for all that he is not back and his body is ruined and fuck it just nuke the place from orbit.

Justin Ruggiano had just left the game with an oblique he strained from striking out too hard, when Carlos Lee walked and Giancarlo Stanton slapped a double, putting Lee on third and forcing Hector Luna to chase down the baseball, offering viewers a split screen of speedless pursuits.

This was followed by a Greg Dobbs single and a sac fly that made it 2-0.  If you had enough of Dobbs to this point, I am sorry, because he is about to force himself on you.

If Greg Dobbs didn't force himself into things, he wouldn't get to go anywhere. Steve Mitchell-US PRESSWIRE

Over the next few innings, Ty Wigginton led a self-propelled mini-assault, bombing a home run to right field to get us within run and knocking in Kevin Frandsen with a single to tie it up.  A hopeful sign from a guy who’d been 4-for-35 to that point.  Sadly, this game would require more than a minute resurgence from a withered bench bat.

Dobbs would homer and be the last earned run Doc allowed before leaving the game after seven innings and and equal amount of K’s with one walk and six hits.  B.J. Rosenberg then stepped in to set the stage for a dramatic, late-inning sweep.

He crumbled like old cheese.  Jose Reyes walked because when is Jose Reyes not forcing himself on base, Carlos Lee singled,  Stanton singled, and Rosenberg’s job was done.  It wasn’t a very good job, mind you, but it was indeed over.  A run was in and two future runs were on first and second, which I believe is called “a Rosenberg.”  Dom Brown didn’t help matters by letting Lee and Stanton move up on the first single by throwing the ball to shortstop instead of any base.

Raul Valdes got an out and an intentional walk, then got relieved by Michael Schwimer, who fared worse than everyone, giving up a single, a double, and a single, until my god it was 9-2 and Jose Reyes, batting for the ninth that inning, mercifully grounded out.

The Phillies did  less than nothing in the ninth and missed out on a sweep by a lot.

WHY WON'T YOU JUST TALK TO ME Steve Mitchell-US PRESSWIRE

When It All Went Wrong

Dom’s errant throw in the eighth, as dictated by a disgruntled Chris Wheeler, should have gone to second to stop Stanton from moving up a base, but he tried to send it to third to nail the human slug-esque Carlos Lee.  This is just wrong, as you probably knew being a baseball genius, and therefore we can place 100% of the blame for this one on Dom Brown, as well as the blame for why my family left and why part of my house is on fire.

…and it’s like, yeah, sure; she took the kids.But I, like, don’t even MISS them.You know? #askthebooth

— Justin Klugh (@TBOHblog) August 15, 2012

Most Attractive Play

That would be in the fourth inning, when Roy Halladay stopped play after walking Carlos Lee, because no no no no, that just doesn’t happen.  The umpires fearfully met, talked about not wanting to piss off Mr. Halladay, then ran to the Marlins’ dugout phone to call someone who knew what the count had been.

Hero

Ty Wigginton, who tried as hard as he could to keep us in it.  Sure, Doc tried, but Ty’s offensive strike, that ended after two at-bats, was all we had to make us feel competitive on a sweaty Wednesday afternoon.

Villain

Remember when Greg Dobbs stopped playing for the Phillies, and everyone was like, “Thank goodness Greg Dobbs won’t play for this team anymore.”  Then he became a starting third baseman on an awful team and also the leader of the offense sometimes when he felt like?