Miguel Alfredo Gonzalez Has Face, is Person

Long thought to be a figment of someone’s imagination, and the rest of us to therefore also be figments of that same imagination, constantly in danger of blinking out of existence upon that person waking up, Miguel Alfredo Gonzalez revelaed himself to the press the other day, thankfully clearing us of that horrible feeling.

Hopefully, this means that we’ll soon have images of him to use, but until then, there’s a Phillies baseball for no reason! Is that Gonzalez holding it?! You’ll never know!

It isn’t.

The Cuban right hander explained that he actually can throw every pitch known to man to CSN Philly’s Jim Salisbury.

• Fastball
• Curveball
• Changeup
• Cutter
• Splitter
• Sinker
• Knuckleball

Considering the guy(s?) who throws(?) knucklers in baseball today, and that they don’t really throw anything other than a knuckler, this 26-year-old appears to be the Hoyl Grail of pitch types. Ruben Amaro is hopeful that he will slide right into the rotation in 2014, which oh man, wouldn’t that just be nice?

Obviously, there’s still some questions to answer, like, where did this guy get the power to throw every pitch known to man, and can he throw the ball in a way that a professional hitter could not crush it every time, but for now, the Phillies will stow him away in Clearwater to do those high leg kick stretches you always see footage of players doing after it’s stated that they are in Clearwater.

He’s thrown as far as 120 feet away from home plate down there, having taken a brief baseball vacation prior to coming to the States, but has clearly set the bar high in his first public appearance. Mostly, though, we should all just be thankful that Ryne Sandberg isn’t going to wake up in a cold sweat, having only dreamt Gonzalez, and the rest of us cease to exist as well. I mean, what would the earth do without several different Philadelphia Phillies blogs. WHERE WOULD ALL THE NEWS BE REPEATED.