Phillies Now Operating on Strictly Volunteer Basis

This duct-taped together pile of human limbs currently playing the Atlanta Braves is now operating on a volunteer basis, according to Ethan Martin.

Sep 3, 2013; Philadelphia, PA, USA; Philadelphia Phillies interim manager Ryne Sandberg (23) comes out to relieve pitcher Ethan Martin (49) during the fifth inning against the Washington Nationals at Citizens Bank Park. Mandatory Credit: Howard Smith-USA TODAY Sports

For some reason, pitchers were not elbowing each other in the face to make the Phillies’ final start of the season.  Cliff Lee, Cole Hamels, and definitely Roy Halladay have all given their tragic little encores, leaving space for some enthusiastic young miracle-worker to step up.

And that will be Ethan Martin, we know now, after he told us, because nobody else really wanted to, I guess.  Martin, dubbed a potential closer of the future, is embracing his role on the team, which is that of a person who is alive and can fill a space that is required for the game to continue.

The remainder of tomorrow’s volunteers are yet to be determined.

“Guys, you’d be doing me a real solid if you played tomorrow,” Ryne Sandberg is reported to have possibly said to his team as they nonchalantly gathered their things and prepared to go home for the evening and watch another episode or two of House of Cards on Netflix. “I mean, I will suit up and play the infield if I have to. That’s no problem.  And we can probably combine a couple of them. Darin, you can just take right and center field. Might as well. Ruben said to give you a shot in center because, his words, ‘f*ck it,’ and this way we can kill two birds with one you.”

“But yeah, first base? Anybody? Kevin, I guess? You seem like you really care out there, for some reason. That’s cool.”

“And everybody, I just wanted to thank Ethan for taking the start tomorrow.  That’s pretty cool. I actually threw a couple warm-up pitches last night in case I had to go out there. Needless to say, I now require reconstructive surgery on my arm and will spend the majority of the offseason in an iron lung. Rough stuff. But yeah, let’s give Ethan a round of applause.”

“Somebody… somebody other than Kevin clap. C’mon guys. Thanks.”

“So yeah, let’s try to get here around seven-ish and slushies are on me afterward. Oh, and we got a memo from the Braves – if somebody manages to hit a home run tomorrow, you’re supposed to jog around the bases as quickly and quietly as possible so Brian McCann doesn’t have a panic attack and spend the rest of the night in tears.”

“Cool, okay, thanks guys.”