Sep 13, 2013; Washington, DC, USA; Philadelphia Phillies starting pitcher Kyle Kendrick (38) hands the ball to manager Ryne Sandberg after being removed from the game against the Washington Nationals during the fifth inning at Nationals Park. Mandatory Credit: Brad Mills-USA TODAY Sports

Soundly-Defeated Phillies Pitchers Gallery

The Phillies have many pitchers; but at the moment, they have very many pitchers who are not pitching for them. Recently, other team’s offense-supporter Kyle Kendrick joined the expanding society of Phillies who are Out for the Season. And what a season it was!

Peruse, then, this catalog of Phillies pitchers who are no longer with us for the extent of the 2013 season.

Kyle Kendrick

The Problem: Shoulder discomfort

The Solution: MRI; all the ice cream he can eat

 

Adam Morgan

The Problem: “lingering shoulder issues”

The Solution: Whatever the opposite of rotator-cuff surgery is

 

Jonathan Pettibone

The Problem:  Right rotator-cuff inflammation

The Solution:  Not playing for the Phillies for the rest of 2013.

 

John Lannan

The Problem:  60% tear of right knee tendon

The Solution:  Surgery; out for season; thorough eyebrow-trimming.

 

Roy Halladay

The Problem: Acute criticism-sting

The Solution: STFU, critics

 

Mike Adams

The Problem: Three different tears in his rotator-cuff

The Solution:  Bacta tank

 

Antonio Bastardo

The Problem: Biogenesis

The Solution:  I’m sure Bud Selig’s got something good cooking.

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