Why is No One Freaking Out About Shane Watson’s Horrible Betrayal

Weeks ago, 49ers newly appointed stud Colin Kaepernick posted a picture on Twitter, as one does when they have tattoos or a hat or an iguana.

“Ha ha, yes,” everyone said, enjoying the internet picture. It was a great day for us all, even those of us not interested in the 49ers, Colin Kaepernick, or football or sports. Not because of the picture. Because of  unrelated stuff, coincidentally happening on the same day. I think I got the final stamp on my frequent customer card at a pie shop.

But then… the dark turn. After careful examination of Kaepernick’s photo, people came to the horrified conclusion that he was wearing a Miami Dolphins hat; the Dolphins, of course, being a different NFL football team than the 49ers. What did this mean? Had he been traded? Quit and joined another team? Rooting against the 49ers all this time?

It was quickly and correctly labeled “The Worst Sports Thing That Ever Happened,” and as Kaepernick drew up a forced apology, all we could do is be thankful it hadn’t happened to our team.

Until this weekend.

Phillies draft pick Shane Watson committed one of sports’ grimmest acts awfulness by echoing Kaepernick’s crime against sports humanity.

Ha ha, yes, there is a picture on the internet. Look at it, being there, of someone.  I’ll bet that was fun, putting that there.  You say he used his “Phillies prospect” status to get out of a speeding ticket?  That’s so fun and amusing.  Why don’t–wait. WAIT.

IS THAT A PITTSBURGH PIRATES HAT?!

I don’t understand. Does Shane want to play for the Pirates? Does a playoff team have some kind of appeal that a barely .500 team doesn’t?!  Did everyone on the Phillies not grow up loving them – a love that reached its climax upon being drafted by them?  Is he legally on the Pirates now, having put on that hat?

We are left with nothing but questions at this point.  We need to be patient, and assume his apology is genuine, though the scars will always be there.  But the important thing for all you people not freaking out or caring about or listening to this is to freak out about it.  The longer your repress your emotions, the longer the healing process will take.

If you aren’t in the streets later today, knocking over hot dog carts and kicking fire hydrants, then you have a life of unhealthy, unreleased emotions. Some day, one of your kids will ask you to play catch and you’ll burn your house to the ground.