Here’s How Some Ex-Phils are Hitting in August

Today, we will be looking at some batting numbers from guys who used to be at least somewhat beloved Phillies.

YEAH LET’S DO THIS

What?  Who are you?

I AM THE VOICE OF THE BITTER PAST. I AM AN EMBODIMENT OF THE ‘WHAT-IF’S’ YOU ATTEMPT TO STIFLE NIGHTLY.

Boy I don’t like this at all.

DID YOU CALL THAT GIRL YOU LIKE

Boy I don’t like this at all.

Here are some particularly smoldering ex-Phillies players and Delmon Young.

• Shane Victorino:  .324/.392/.586
• Hunter Pence:  .290/.350/.430
• Nate Schierholtz:  .266/.319/.507
• Jayson Werth:  .393/.486/.640 (Yes, that’s a 1.126 OPS)
• Delmon Young:

Ha ha, wow!  Look at those outfielders! They sure look, um, good.

YESTERDAY THE STARTING PHILLIES OUTFIELD’S BATTING AVERAGE WAS .211.

Why don’t you leave me alone.

JOHN MAYBERRY IS IN THE PHILLIES OUTFIELD. ROGER BERNADINA

You know what!  Why don’t we silence those voices with a bit of sadism. It can’t be true that every former Phillie is having a scorching August.

• Juan Pierre:  .214/.214/.286
• Placido Polanco:  .200/.243/.200

There, see?  Don’t you feel better?

WAY TO GO, MAKE FUN OF A COUPLE OF GUYS IN THEIR LATE 30S WHOSE BODIES ARE LIQUEFYING RIGHT IN FRONT OF US AND SIGNED ON WITH THE WORST TEAM IN THE KNOWN UNIVERSE JUST TO KEEP PLAYING

I don’t feel better, okay?!  I feel quite worse.

NOW YOU KNOW HOW PLACIDO POLANCO FEELS AFTER ASCENDING THE DUGOUT STEPS

Wait, aren’t you making fun of them now?

YOU WANT TO DO CODY RANSOM NOW OR SOMETHING NOW. HOW ABOUT RAUL IBANEZ, THE NICEST MAN IN THE WORLD

No, I–

HERE I’LL DO IT

• Raul Ibanez:  .246/.329/.354

HA HA WOW THAT’S SO FUNNY

I don’t–

HA HA LOOK HOW SMALL THOSE NUMBERS ARE. DO WE FEEL BETTER YET

I’m just trying to–

EVER HEAR FROM THAT GIRL YOU WENT TO PROM WITH

When do you leave? You know?  When do you just go.

YOU KNOW SHE’S MARRIED RIGHT. TO THAT NERD

So I’m going to be one of those bodies they find who power-drilled into his own ear, huh?  Cool.