Inside Kyle Kendrick’s Head for Another Evening

All right Kyle you can do this. Just draw inspiration from somewhere. Look at the ground: Firm, consistent… the place where Chase said he’d bury me if I don’t shape up. He tried to laugh it off, but I know – we both know – he has a shovel in his car.

Plus his laughter somehow sounds like a dead body being buried. 

Bottom of the 2nd

Okay Kyle, welcome back. Welcome back to the spotlight. Drink it in.

Aaaaahhhh

Yes, these are my people. The crowd loves you. I mean I know we’re in Citi Field but maybe certain sections love you. Or just like you. Maybe some parts of the crowd here tonight isn’t currently wishing me immediate harm. Yeah.

Couple of 1-2-3 innings well one 1-2-3 inning and then an opposite of that but that’s okay. They don’t all have to be no-hitters. They don’t ever have to be no-hitters, either. You just keep throwing the ball. Yeah. Yeah.

Bottom of the 3rd

Okay. Still good.

I mean you walked the pitcher but we’re still good.

People don’t say stuff like “classic Kyle” or anything anymore so don’t even worry about that. Don’t even worry about the internet. It’s big and scary. You had those safety parameters installed for a reason, and made the security technician eat the paper with the code on it.

Come on, Kyle – Steph said to stop calling her the “security technician” just because she knows how to engage the parental controls on the PlayStation. Oh god I started to throw a pitch again while I was thinking about PlayStation I don’t even know what this gonna be —

GET IT KRATZ 

Damn it.

Look at me. Out here. Walking the pitcher. YOU HAVE FAILED ME, THE GROUND. I DRAW INSPIRATION FROM YOU AND YOU DEVOUR MY CATCHER?!

Kratz, ruining his body to smother a bunt. HOW MANY LIVES MUST I TAKE. Better take him his mask as a peace offering.

I can’t believe this. Now I’ve got to go to Kratzy’s family, hat in hand, and explain how I got his knees to explode out the backs of his legs. They’re gonna turn me into turkey bacon. That cartoon turkey wearing a pig mask is going to show back up in my night terrors, wielding a bat with a nail in it and using its species-confusion to assume I’m the one supposed to go into the meat grinder, not him. This is the wor–oh he’s totally fine.

Yeah, see?  You’re good. We’re good here. Now I’ll just ice this Daniel Murphy character and 

**Daniel Murphy singles, run scores**

It’s fine.  It’s fine.  This is just a good chance to work on that pickoff move. Hell, you’ll probably get him.

**Heaves errant throw past first base, Murphy runs to third**

God damn Frandsen’s gonna punch me in the neck again I just know it.

Bottom of the 6th

This is what happens, isn’t it? This is what self-confidence gets me. 

Everybody posted that “Kendrick traded to Japan” video again because it was my birthday and the nightmares started again – me, pitching in Japan, Godzilla batting, he’s got a huge strike zone, I’m dressed in a giant teddy bear suit, “Kobayashi Iwamura” bursts out of Godzilla’s stomach and eats me like a hot dog.

Stop it, Kyle. He’s not real. Just some guy concocted in the sub-basement of Brett Myers’ mind. Nothing from there is real. If it was, we’d all be dead.

Maybe we’re all dead!

Bases loaded, but he’s just the pitcher. I mean yeah you walked him before, but that was mostly bad luck. Ha ha ha. Don’t walk him, though. Eight pitches seems like a lot to throw an opposing pitcher, too. Is Niese one of those good-hitting pitchers. Or am I thinking of Zambrano. God, they’re like identical. Maybe I’m just blinded by flop sweat.

Okay I guess I’ll give him the

Wait I’m already in the wind-up. What am I throwing?  WHAT IS THIS

Steph is turning off the parental controls tonight.