Have you heard about these Dodgers? They fly around the country, forcing teams to play them until they win.
It’s messed up, and sort spits in the integrity of the game, which I think we can all agree is on wide display at the moment. So these Dodgers parade around with their sexy young players and their impromptu team meetings scheduled around home plate, making people feel bad about themselves, and now they’re headed for Philadelphia.
Actually, they’re already here, as I experienced yesterday.
The Dodgers are so hot, they haven’t lost a game in three months. Meanwhile, the Phillies are 5-22 in the second half. That’s not a date in May. That’s the Phillies’ record since the All-Star Break. So why don’t we break down this series.
Yasiel Puig: Does everything right
Chase Utley: Does everything right, despite being surrounded by Phillies
Brian Wilson: Has personality and hair of man who cannot live without constant attention
Casper Wells: Inconspicuous hair, personality, talent
Dodgers: Yasiel Puig
Phillies: No longer Delmon Young
Direction of franchise
Dodgers: Nowhere to go but down
Phillies: Nowhere to go
Dodgers: Can only be feel-good story or massive disappointment/fuel for feel-good story in future
Phillies: Can only be feel-bad story, getting feel-worse
Number of players victimized by hidden ball trick
Dodgers: 1 (100% of league total)
Number of players who are Michael Martinez
Phillies: League limit
Advantage: Michael Martinez
Huh, how about that. The Phillies have the advantage in all the major categories. Maybe this series is going to be pretty good, as long as we focus on twisting horrible truths into smarmy jokes.